Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think posters don't realize depending on what type of area you are in, you simply can not just go out for a stroll by yourself as a woman. It sucks but there is very little mobility for women in some countries and it is a safety issue.
This is why her husband should absolutely do everything he can to make his family comfortable particularly if they have means. Showering with a bucket or not eating well for a week is very different than doing it for an entire month.

Agreed, like not going there!

[Anonymous]

How long do you have left? If it were me, I’d pull my dh to the side and tell him you are going back home. Tell him to make up an excuse as to why you and the kids are going home — sickness, house issue, your mom fell, etc. Of course be civil when you talk with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they not have any punctuation…other than ellipsis…

[Anonymous]

Op, get creative.

Ask DH to buy you a large plastic tub or bucket. If they have metal buckets, you can get the immersion water heaters and use those too. Otherwise, pretty sure they have large metal pots in both Bangladesh and India and have gas stoves, so yeah go old school and boil them in 2 vessels and pour it all into the larger bucket and fill remaining with tap water.

Or ask DH to spend some money and install a water heater. A water heater and electrician cost would be about $100.

Your DH sounds like an AH who does not want to spend on his family and you sound like a whiner.

Food - cook your own food. You can eat vegetables? Or at least live on potatoes and eggs?

Going out - Ask someone else in the family to accompany you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely sounds like India

Do they have pizza restaurants in India?

Which world are you living in? In my village, besides pizza places, there are fancy ice cream parlors too, a 20 minute drive away. Many homes have at least 1 Western toilet.

Granted they are not that clean in restaurants and such but then again I hate using the mall bathrooms here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, get creative.

Ask DH to buy you a large plastic tub or bucket. If they have metal buckets, you can get the immersion water heaters and use those too. Otherwise, pretty sure they have large metal pots in both Bangladesh and India and have gas stoves, so yeah go old school and boil them in 2 vessels and pour it all into the larger bucket and fill remaining with tap water.

Or ask DH to spend some money and install a water heater. A water heater and electrician cost would be about $100.

Your DH sounds like an AH who does not want to spend on his family and you sound like a whiner.

Food - cook your own food. You can eat vegetables? Or at least live on potatoes and eggs?

Going out - Ask someone else in the family to accompany you.

I think they HAVE a water heater in the bathroom (what they call a geyser in parts of India). OP's primary complaint seems to be that the hot water comes out one faucet, the cold from another, you have to mix them in the bucket to your preferred temperature and then bathe.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Appalachia and we did bucket baths at my grandma’s. She finally got indoor plumbing in 1986, once my dad plumbed her house for her, but just an outhouse until then. Our next door neighbor still just has a well pump and an outhouse.

OP sounds like a petulant schoolchild. My kids would think this was a grand adventure, like they do going back to the holler.

There are ways to deal with food other than bringing it halfway around the world.

Can’t you find the fun in it, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

Another child of immigrants here who agrees with this. I used to spend 2-3 months every summer in my parents’ home country and there was no running water, no AC, no supermarkets, etc… It has really made me appreciative of all that we have (and take for granted) here in the US.

Adjusting as a CHILD is very different than adjusting as an adult. I don't know why this has to be explained. My kids would love a bucket bath for a month. They'd probably think it was fun, and if they didn't, they'd be fine being funky for a few days until it was forced. I would not adjust as easily, if at all. I honestly wouldn't marry someone who had an expectation that we would make these kinds of trips because I would hate it.

OP, can you limit the length of time that you go from now on? Maybe 2 weeks? Maybe your kids stay for the month if that's ok with you. Your husband doesn't have to understand why you hate it, only that you do. Hopefully he's open to some kind of compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, get creative.

Ask DH to buy you a large plastic tub or bucket. If they have metal buckets, you can get the immersion water heaters and use those too. Otherwise, pretty sure they have large metal pots in both Bangladesh and India and have gas stoves, so yeah go old school and boil them in 2 vessels and pour it all into the larger bucket and fill remaining with tap water.

Or ask DH to spend some money and install a water heater. A water heater and electrician cost would be about $100.

Your DH sounds like an AH who does not want to spend on his family and you sound like a whiner.

Food - cook your own food. You can eat vegetables? Or at least live on potatoes and eggs?

Going out - Ask someone else in the family to accompany you.

I think they HAVE a water heater in the bathroom (what they call a geyser in parts of India). OP's primary complaint seems to be that the hot water comes out one faucet, the cold from another, you have to mix them in the bucket to your preferred temperature and then bathe.

What?? I didn't read that part. If that is the problem OP, I sincerely wish you can learn to appreciate other cultures and be more resilient. Mixing water is tough for you? You will be raising snow flakes with this attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

It's a character-building experience few USA residents experience. It will make you a stronger person.

[Anonymous]

Op, I re-read your post.

Your second visit there so you knew they don't have running hot water. Mixing water is a minor issue.

Why can't you cook? Get a damn skillet and saucepan and boil/saute stuff that you can eat.

Kids are resilient. Let them try other foods but insist they use boiled water for cooking anything.

Washing hands - I agree that people used to be like that but post COVID people are more aware. Get a few bars of soap if hand soap is not available and put them near every faucet.

Water is the main cause of illnesses in 3td world countries. Boil boil boil water even the water you use for brushing your teeth.

Bug spray to get rid of the mosquitoes. Wear long sleeves clothes and pants in the evening. Light up incense sticks to ward them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't visit my husband's family until 5 years after we married in the US. They came here for the wedding. It was a cultural shock that my husband didn't prepare me for AT ALL. We arrived, and I had no idea I wouldn't have access to running shower water that's warm/ hot. I had to take bucket showers by combining boiled water with cold water. We stayed for a month so it's a huge pain. Hygiene is relaxed....... I rarely see anyone washing their hands with soap.. they use water... I can't prepare my own food here because it's way more complicated. There aren't washers and dryers, and kids get their clothes dirty frequently. DH also made a big deal about only taking TWO luggage for 4 people. I can't go anywhere alone because I don't speak the language and it would be very easy to get lost and not know how to find his family's house. They don't have AC or heaters, and we visit in the winter... there are openings in the door and windows to let in fresh air so it's always cold in the winter... feels like I am semi- camping... this is mainly a vent post... i probably sound like a snob, but it's so hard living like this for a month... dh is also annoying because he doesn't like going out when we are here due to traffic, but we are bored and HUNGRY.. eating boxed food i.e. noddles, pancakes get old after a week... the closest grocery store that has ready food i.e. chicken nuggets and stuff like that is 3 hours away.. I told DH I wanted to go to this store (similar to a western supermarket) when we were coming from the airport, and he kept saying they have grocery stores closer to his house... guess what? We went, and they don't have anything our kids will eat. I already knew this would happen because this isn't our first trip. I don't want to come across as entitled, but we are from a totally different background and need to feel comfortable and have food options.. it feels like he's going out of his way to not make us feel comfortable .... he's also making it a big deal we want to go out for clothes shopping. he's such a PITA

These two statements seem contradictory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

Thank you. Just love all the aunties sitting in their big US houses with showers and toilets and conveniences and safety critiscising and scolding someone who is having a tough time. That you wouldn't live in or go back to.

[Anonymous]

Why are you eating only noodles and pancakes? Are you in Asia? Africa? Certainly the people who live there don't eat noodles and pancakes daily, nor do they travel 3 hours for chicken nuggets or pizza. Sounds like you're staying with family? What do they eat? Why can't you and your kids eat that?

Sure you wouldn't eat a raw salad in a random small town in Asia but do you really think you can't eat chicken or cooked vegetables in India or Thailand or Kenya?