Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't visit my husband's family until 5 years after we married in the US. They came here for the wedding. It was a cultural shock that my husband didn't prepare me for AT ALL. We arrived, and I had no idea I wouldn't have access to running shower water that's warm/ hot. I had to take bucket showers by combining boiled water with cold water. We stayed for a month so it's a huge pain. Hygiene is relaxed....... I rarely see anyone washing their hands with soap.. they use water... I can't prepare my own food here because it's way more complicated. There aren't washers and dryers, and kids get their clothes dirty frequently. DH also made a big deal about only taking TWO luggage for 4 people. I can't go anywhere alone because I don't speak the language and it would be very easy to get lost and not know how to find his family's house. They don't have AC or heaters, and we visit in the winter... there are openings in the door and windows to let in fresh air so it's always cold in the winter... feels like I am semi- camping... this is mainly a vent post... i probably sound like a snob, but it's so hard living like this for a month... dh is also annoying because he doesn't like going out when we are here due to traffic, but we are bored and HUNGRY.. eating boxed food i.e. noddles, pancakes get old after a week... the closest grocery store that has ready food i.e. chicken nuggets and stuff like that is 3 hours away.. I told DH I wanted to go to this store (similar to a western supermarket) when we were coming from the airport, and he kept saying they have grocery stores closer to his house... guess what? We went, and they don't have anything our kids will eat. I already knew this would happen because this isn't our first trip. I don't want to come across as entitled, but we are from a totally different background and need to feel comfortable and have food options.. it feels like he's going out of his way to not make us feel comfortable .... he's also making it a big deal we want to go out for clothes shopping. he's such a PITA

These two statements seem contradictory.

Those things are separate. 5 years ago it was a shock. You also forget stuff in 5 years. Even immigrants who grew up in the US say they experience cultural shock. Bangladesh is extremely poor and overwhelming. His family doesn't know how I feel. We get along well. This was a vent post. Being in survival mode on vacation isn't pleasant. One of our kids also has asthma and it's getting worse here. On the last trip, I was hospitalized in the US for 11 days. The country has developed a lot in 5 years but Dh's family said it would take 30 years to be like the US and they were not joking. We love visiting Dhaka and want to travel there more. My kids love the rickshaws and auto cars. I have never traveled to India but I think it is light years ahead of Bangladesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

Did you post here about this after your last trip? I definitely recall these details, like eating only "boxed food," lack of showers, getting sick, etc.


If that was you previously, i get this is all pretty crappy, but after this trip, do what you should have done last time and tell your DH that next time you're all staying only two weeks. Or stay in the nearest town with anything remotely resembling a hotel and food you can eat safely. I know, the family is not near a city etc. Well, find whatever is at all close, make it your base, and make 1-2 day trips to the family home then also have them come stay with you at your hotel/rental/yurt/whatever. And tell him you are carrying two additional suitcases of non-perishable food your kids eat. It sounds like you didnt tell DH after last time that this is not working at all. He needs to draw the line at his children being ill. Come on.

The bucket bathing I could handle but food prep that spreads illness would be a huge non-negotiable no from me. If you or the kids had salmonella or E. Coli etc., that can be dangerous especially for children.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you were HOSPITALIZED for 11 days after the last trip due to illness picked up there? And this time, your child with asthma is having difficulties while there? to start paying to fly his folks to see you. It's great you love them. But the health situation is just not tenable.

If your asthmatic child starts to have serious trouble breathing while you're there, is there a hospital or clinic you'd trust with your child's life, anywhere reachable in time, OP? If not, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Above should say: "Time to start paying"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I re-read your post.

Your second visit there so you knew they don't have running hot water. Mixing water is a minor issue.

Why can't you cook? Get a damn skillet and saucepan and boil/saute stuff that you can eat.

Kids are resilient. Let them try other foods but insist they use boiled water for cooking anything.

Washing hands - I agree that people used to be like that but post COVID people are more aware. Get a few bars of soap if hand soap is not available and put them near every faucet.

Water is the main cause of illnesses in 3td world countries. Boil boil boil water even the water you use for brushing your teeth.

Bug spray to get rid of the mosquitoes. Wear long sleeves clothes and pants in the evening. Light up incense sticks to ward them off.

All good ideas. But incense and bug spray won't be great for OP'S child with asthma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

You sound like a snowflake too. Grow up and learn to live in other cultures. Not every country is like the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I re-read your post.

Your second visit there so you knew they don't have running hot water. Mixing water is a minor issue.

Why can't you cook? Get a damn skillet and saucepan and boil/saute stuff that you can eat.

Kids are resilient. Let them try other foods but insist they use boiled water for cooking anything.

Washing hands - I agree that people used to be like that but post COVID people are more aware. Get a few bars of soap if hand soap is not available and put them near every faucet.

Water is the main cause of illnesses in 3td world countries. Boil boil boil water even the water you use for brushing your teeth.

Bug spray to get rid of the mosquitoes. Wear long sleeves clothes and pants in the evening. Light up incense sticks to ward them off.

The main way to cook is in a hole in the ground. Attaching a picture. Kids are also picky. Putting the effort into buying all the seasonings and equipment seems like too much effort. They way the cut vegetables is very different... They use a huge sword that's free-standing. I will try to attach a picture. No cutting board or chef knife is available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I re-read your post.

Your second visit there so you knew they don't have running hot water. Mixing water is a minor issue.

Why can't you cook? Get a damn skillet and saucepan and boil/saute stuff that you can eat.

Kids are resilient. Let them try other foods but insist they use boiled water for cooking anything.

Washing hands - I agree that people used to be like that but post COVID people are more aware. Get a few bars of soap if hand soap is not available and put them near every faucet.

Water is the main cause of illnesses in 3td world countries. Boil boil boil water even the water you use for brushing your teeth.

Bug spray to get rid of the mosquitoes. Wear long sleeves clothes and pants in the evening. Light up incense sticks to ward them off.

The main way to cook is in a hole in the ground. Attaching a picture. Kids are also picky. Putting the effort into buying all the seasonings and equipment seems like too much effort. They way the cut vegetables is very different... They use a huge sword that's free-standing. I will try to attach a picture. No cutting board or chef knife is available.

Pictures attached. OP here.


https://ibb.co/4TLpfvT
https://ibb.co/VLNzn8z
https://ibb.co/FmMTgXc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you were HOSPITALIZED for 11 days after the last trip due to illness picked up there? And this time, your child with asthma is having difficulties while there? to start paying to fly his folks to see you. It's great you love them. But the health situation is just not tenable.

If your asthmatic child starts to have serious trouble breathing while you're there, is there a hospital or clinic you'd trust with your child's life, anywhere reachable in time, OP? If not, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

I wish. We would pay but his mom is afraid of airplanes. Sister has a young baby and would have to bring her baby and husband. They would both need time off work which is hard to get. His brother has joint pain..maybe MS and can't sit for long periods so a plane isn't possible I would LOVE for them to visit. I could handle them for 6+ months. They are all so sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't visit my husband's family until 5 years after we married in the US. They came here for the wedding. It was a cultural shock that my husband didn't prepare me for AT ALL. We arrived, and I had no idea I wouldn't have access to running shower water that's warm/ hot. I had to take bucket showers by combining boiled water with cold water. We stayed for a month so it's a huge pain. Hygiene is relaxed....... I rarely see anyone washing their hands with soap.. they use water... I can't prepare my own food here because it's way more complicated. There aren't washers and dryers, and kids get their clothes dirty frequently. DH also made a big deal about only taking TWO luggage for 4 people. I can't go anywhere alone because I don't speak the language and it would be very easy to get lost and not know how to find his family's house. They don't have AC or heaters, and we visit in the winter... there are openings in the door and windows to let in fresh air so it's always cold in the winter... feels like I am semi- camping... this is mainly a vent post... i probably sound like a snob, but it's so hard living like this for a month... dh is also annoying because he doesn't like going out when we are here due to traffic, but we are bored and HUNGRY.. eating boxed food i.e. noddles, pancakes get old after a week... the closest grocery store that has ready food i.e. chicken nuggets and stuff like that is 3 hours away.. I told DH I wanted to go to this store (similar to a western supermarket) when we were coming from the airport, and he kept saying they have grocery stores closer to his house... guess what? We went, and they don't have anything our kids will eat. I already knew this would happen because this isn't our first trip. I don't want to come across as entitled, but we are from a totally different background and need to feel comfortable and have food options.. it feels like he's going out of his way to not make us feel comfortable .... he's also making it a big deal we want to go out for clothes shopping. he's such a PITA

Are you the Bangladesh poster?

[Anonymous]

Op here. This is the sword thing they use to cut vegetables. It's very neat! Now I hear the call to prayer. Time to wake up and start cooking pancakes. His family loves my pancakes 😆


https://youtu.be/2BF666PrWwY?si=8fZ1H60PeGAAD_DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is the sword thing they use to cut vegetables. It's very neat! Now I hear the call to prayer. Time to wake up and start cooking pancakes. His family loves my pancakes 😆


https://youtu.be/2BF666PrWwY?si=8fZ1H60PeGAAD_DP

I have one of these in my kitchen. My mom insists on using this to cut vegetables when she visits from India. I’m terrified of chopping my fingers off but she’ll effortlessly slice and dice while talking and watching TV without even paying attention to the blade.

[Anonymous]

It's Bangladesh - are you really telling me his family doesn't eat rice and daal? Why can't you have that? Why can't you be in the kitchen when it's being prepped and insist to his mom/sister/whomever that it needs to be cooked in your boiled or bottled water that you're using?

Do they not eat parathas - the bread that's kind of like roti? I'm pretty sure Bangladesh is known for those. It comes off a skillet burning hot - why can't your kids eat those? Egg and paratha is a meal in itself and often the meal that people eat in Bangladesh/India/etc. when they are traveling and need to take something with them. So you can definitely eat this for lunch or dinner. The eggs would be fried all the way through and the paratha comes off the skillet HOT.

Having been to India I totally understand how careful you must be regarding food but that doesn't mean you ONLY eat Aunt Jemima pancake mix and ramen for a month?? You just eat super simple food that's cooked all the way through - and you don't eat at restaurants mostly.

With a Bangladeshi dad, do your kids really eat NONE of this stuff at home??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely sounds like India

Do they have pizza restaurants in India?

You'd be surprised the stuff they have in India - not just in major metro areas but I'm talking in small towns. There are about 1700 Dominos in India and another 1000 or so Pizza Huts, and there are local pizza chains too which are run to the same standards as Dominos and Pizza Hut. And then you have McDonalds and again regional chains that are like McDonalds. And you can grab a package of Oreos or Lays potato chips or Ritz crackers or boxed pasta even in the small grocery stores in villages these days; and the local brands of these things are perfectly safe to eat too as they are made in major factories that export products out to places like Dubai and Doha; so no one is baking cookies on the side of the road with cows wandering by.

FWIW OP isn't in a village - Faridpur, Bangladesh isn't some local rural farming village 10 hrs from anything; I'd imagine it has most of the same things listed above, not to mention staying in a family home, I'm unclear why OP and OP's kids can't eat the most basic staple foods like rice, daal, rotis etc.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my SIL who insists on all organic for her, but her kids only eat chicken nuggets and a few other things. And this is in Peru which has the best food in the world IMO. I’m not from there but have visited many times.

I’ve done very rustic, but not for a month. That is indeed a long time. Why not bring a cutting board with you next time and a few other cooking implements? And buy a knife there. Or learn to use the “sword”. Does your husband think his family will be insulted if you bring stuff like that? That is so weird insisting on 2 suitcases for 4 for a month.