Fussy, finicky people who can’t just go with the flow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is in some ways a conflict between maximizers (everything has to be perfect / worried about FOMO) and satisficers (don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good / pick your minimal criteria for acceptability and go with any option that meets those criteria).

Well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is in some ways a conflict between maximizers (everything has to be perfect / worried about FOMO) and satisficers (don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good / pick your minimal criteria for acceptability and go with any option that meets those criteria).

Maximizers believe they have perfect knowledge for a given situation. I will tell you that the physical world is messy, and you really have to satisfice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand totally. DH and his family are like this. It paralyses their life to the extent that often stuff never gets done. What seems to paralyse them the most is making the wrong decision. Eg - what if they don’t like the movie? What is they order the nuggets but someone else gets the fries and they would have preferred that?

I just posted about being team OP, and I think an underlying factor here can also be people who are jerks about the thing falling flat. If you were the one to pick the restaurant and it turned out to be awful, what is the culture in the family unit? Is the picker going to get piled on for making a "bad" choice? Are they paralyzed by fear that someone will be unkind over their bad choice? When people get really caught up in group decisionmaking for every single thing, accountability and blame are usually lurking around the corner.

OP, are they the type to grumble when things are not perfect? If so, they have trained your DH to be this way.

I’m an earlier poster with a dh who has same problem. Not so much now, but earlier in our marriage when MIL asked my preference and I gave it to her, she would always say “are you sure? What about x instead”. She would have to second guess all my preferences. I’m sure she did to DH while he was growing up too.

My DH can’t state his preferences. If we are deciding where to eat, I’ll ask him for his suggestions. He’ll say” I don’t know. Give me a suggestion”. I make a suggestion and he’ll say “No, I don’t want that”.

Okay - give me a suggestion then. He can’t. He can say no to all my suggestions but can’t provide any of his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is in some ways a conflict between maximizers (everything has to be perfect / worried about FOMO) and satisficers (don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good / pick your minimal criteria for acceptability and go with any option that meets those criteria).

Maximizers believe they have perfect knowledge for a given situation. I will tell you that the physical world is messy, and you really have to satisfice.

Quoted pp here - I am 100% a satisficer and I believe it makes life a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, I couldn't live with you either. I am a perfectionist sort of person who married another perfectionist sort of a person and we had perfectionist kids. It's a wonder we can get anything done! But when we do, we're happy and the quality is great

We're research scientists, BTW.
If ever you get cancer, you'll be reassured to know that the people who worked on your treatment didn't go: "Eh what the heck, Molecule A is practically the same as Molecule B: just throw whichever in the mix. DONE!"

It takes all kinds, right?

This is so dumb. My DH and I are both research scientists. We save our perfectionism for our actual experiments, not for fast food orders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

So your spouse can’t wake up on a rainy Sunday and suggest a movie? That’s sad AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

So your spouse can’t wake up on a rainy Sunday and suggest a movie? That’s sad AF.

“I’m sorry honey. I don’t have a movie on my schedule. Please give me 72 hours’ notice, the Rotten Tomatoes score, three critic’s reviews, and at least two recommendations from acquaintances and I’ll get back to you. I need to make the most informed decision possible.”

[Anonymous]

I think maximizers need to work on letting go. Practice letting go every once in a while, doesn’t have to be a way of life all the time.

This is me. I’ve become a lot more flexible. Couldn’t always. But it’s fun to let go and relax through life occasionally. Just let things carry you.

I think satisficers can also be open to the person to wants to plan.

Maybe op and DH can specifically coordinate on a 50-50 setting. One for him to follow along, one for him to plan a bit. Even trade, even if it’s not written down in pen. (Or the maximizer might need it written!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am like you, I usually choose the path of least resistance even if it’s not what I personally want to do. One DC is like me and the other DC and DH are more fussy/picky/finicky. The easygoing ones often end up doing what the fussy ones want in terms of dining and entertainment to avoid frustrating debates and conversations.

I just hope you oblige your other kid from time to time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a matter of time before someone declares ADHD. In 5, 4, 3…

It’s actually anxiety imho
The worst case I know is someone who can’t take less than 2 hours at a grocery store because of all the choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like OPs husband but its an overall issue with her anxiety and control problems. I try to make the choices simpler for her. "mom they have sandwiches and nuggets. Which do you want and do you want grilled or fried?". I've found that cutting out a lot of the options makes a huge difference. If I'm taking her out to eat, I don't ask what she's in the mood for. I ask if she wants Italian, sushi, or seafood and then I choose the restaurant from there. It's not a perfect system but I've found it helps quite a bit.

This is exactly it.
I say that as someone who who has a family history of anxiety but was lucky enough not to be anxious when I was younger. As I am getting older I often find choices overwhelming. I can still control it but once I got a taste of it it’s hard not to worry about becoming even older and more anxious. I also have more empathy for anxious people now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, I couldn't live with you either. I am a perfectionist sort of person who married another perfectionist sort of a person and we had perfectionist kids. It's a wonder we can get anything done! But when we do, we're happy and the quality is great

We're research scientists, BTW.
If ever you get cancer, you'll be reassured to know that the people who worked on your treatment didn't go: "Eh what the heck, Molecule A is practically the same as Molecule B: just throw whichever in the mix. DONE!"

It takes all kinds, right?

Well, certainly, but some of us know the difference between working on cancer treatments and getting tired, hungry kids some fast food as requested by the birthday girl on the way home from an excursion. I’m not rushing anyone along when ordering at a fine dining establishment. There is an art to knowing when to be a perfectionist and when to go with the flow. I think it’s a valuable skill. -OP

"Going with the flow" is forcing your choices onto them (which place to eat) and (a movie) then forcing them to decide on the spot YOUR choice.

Did you not get that the Chick-fil-A was chosen by a birthday kid? Did you miss the part where the specific movie was requested by kids?

Not this PP but it could be a low level protest against life being run by the kids
Are “they” passive aggressive in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand totally. DH and his family are like this. It paralyses their life to the extent that often stuff never gets done. What seems to paralyse them the most is making the wrong decision. Eg - what if they don’t like the movie? What is they order the nuggets but someone else gets the fries and they would have preferred that?

I just posted about being team OP, and I think an underlying factor here can also be people who are jerks about the thing falling flat. If you were the one to pick the restaurant and it turned out to be awful, what is the culture in the family unit? Is the picker going to get piled on for making a "bad" choice? Are they paralyzed by fear that someone will be unkind over their bad choice? When people get really caught up in group decisionmaking for every single thing, accountability and blame are usually lurking around the corner.

OP, are they the type to grumble when things are not perfect? If so, they have trained your DH to be this way.

I’m an earlier poster with a dh who has same problem. Not so much now, but earlier in our marriage when MIL asked my preference and I gave it to her, she would always say “are you sure? What about x instead”. She would have to second guess all my preferences. I’m sure she did to DH while he was growing up too.

My DH can’t state his preferences. If we are deciding where to eat, I’ll ask him for his suggestions. He’ll say” I don’t know. Give me a suggestion”. I make a suggestion and he’ll say “No, I don’t want that”.

Okay - give me a suggestion then. He can’t. He can say no to all my suggestions but can’t provide any of his own.

I'm your DH, and my parents are like your MIL ("are you sure? what about X?") As PP said, accountability and blame are lurking around every corner in my family of origin. It took until my 40s and having kids for me to change (although it's still a struggle not to revert). I do better with choices and now will only do that for my parents. Going back to OP's examples, they'd be so surprised when we left for the movies even though I a) told them our plans and b) invited them but they hemmed and hawed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think these people must not be understanding that you've actually made a decision, not so much throwing an idea out. If you've already decided to see Migration, it's not "do you feel like seeing a movie today?" They think there's room to negotiate or come up with alternatives. For indecisive people, maybe your language needs to be more direct without question marks.

Yeah the dude needs to understand that it’s the kids who run the show and he, I am sorry, “they” are an afterthought