Fussy, finicky people who can’t just go with the flow

[Anonymous]

It’s like when Harry Met Sally. You have to love them for it anyway and appreciate it when it’s useful and work on yourself for when it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, I couldn't live with you either. I am a perfectionist sort of person who married another perfectionist sort of a person and we had perfectionist kids. It's a wonder we can get anything done! But when we do, we're happy and the quality is great

We're research scientists, BTW.
If ever you get cancer, you'll be reassured to know that the people who worked on your treatment didn't go: "Eh what the heck, Molecule A is practically the same as Molecule B: just throw whichever in the mix. DONE!"

It takes all kinds, right?

Well, certainly, but some of us know the difference between working on cancer treatments and getting tired, hungry kids some fast food as requested by the birthday girl on the way home from an excursion. I’m not rushing anyone along when ordering at a fine dining establishment. There is an art to knowing when to be a perfectionist and when to go with the flow. I think it’s a valuable skill. -OP

PP you replied to. Sorry, I disagree entirely. Just because it's lowly fast-food, doesn't mean every item is the same. Just because it's a kid movie, doesn't mean there isn't a wide range of quality. It seems as though you care more about getting through the day, even if you don't enjoy it, than you care about savoring each moment. That's unutterably strange to me.

I actually don't know any people like you, OP. None of my friends or relatives are as impatient/impulsive and seemingly un-discerning as you. I agree that extreme personalities are always a little difficult, but in the case you're describing, I have to wonder if you're the extreme personality.

I’m glad you take your job seriously, PP, but this is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s like when Harry Met Sally. You have to love them for it anyway and appreciate it when it’s useful and work on yourself for when it’s not.

That's different. Sally was very particular, but she made decisions. OP's DH's parents are just being difficult and trying to keep anyone from making a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand totally. DH and his family are like this. It paralyses their life to the extent that often stuff never gets done. What seems to paralyse them the most is making the wrong decision. Eg - what if they don’t like the movie? What is they order the nuggets but someone else gets the fries and they would have preferred that?

I just posted about being team OP, and I think an underlying factor here can also be people who are jerks about the thing falling flat. If you were the one to pick the restaurant and it turned out to be awful, what is the culture in the family unit? Is the picker going to get piled on for making a "bad" choice? Are they paralyzed by fear that someone will be unkind over their bad choice? When people get really caught up in group decisionmaking for every single thing, accountability and blame are usually lurking around the corner.

OP, are they the type to grumble when things are not perfect? If so, they have trained your DH to be this way.

I’m an earlier poster with a dh who has same problem. Not so much now, but earlier in our marriage when MIL asked my preference and I gave it to her, she would always say “are you sure? What about x instead”. She would have to second guess all my preferences. I’m sure she did to DH while he was growing up too.

My DH can’t state his preferences. If we are deciding where to eat, I’ll ask him for his suggestions. He’ll say” I don’t know. Give me a suggestion”. I make a suggestion and he’ll say “No, I don’t want that”.

Okay - give me a suggestion then. He can’t. He can say no to all my suggestions but can’t provide any of his own.

I can’t stand people like this. They’re always like “whatever! I’m easy!”

Then it goes:

You: Great! How about X?
Them: Nah, I don’t feel like Italian.
You: Okay, what about Thai?
Them: Sure, anything, I’m easy.
You: What about Z?
Them: Mmm, their stuff is too…saucy.
You: Q?
Them: Their service isn’t the best.
You: Okay, you suggest something.
Them: I don’t care, anything is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand totally. DH and his family are like this. It paralyses their life to the extent that often stuff never gets done. What seems to paralyse them the most is making the wrong decision. Eg - what if they don’t like the movie? What is they order the nuggets but someone else gets the fries and they would have preferred that?

I just posted about being team OP, and I think an underlying factor here can also be people who are jerks about the thing falling flat. If you were the one to pick the restaurant and it turned out to be awful, what is the culture in the family unit? Is the picker going to get piled on for making a "bad" choice? Are they paralyzed by fear that someone will be unkind over their bad choice? When people get really caught up in group decisionmaking for every single thing, accountability and blame are usually lurking around the corner.

OP, are they the type to grumble when things are not perfect? If so, they have trained your DH to be this way.

I’m an earlier poster with a dh who has same problem. Not so much now, but earlier in our marriage when MIL asked my preference and I gave it to her, she would always say “are you sure? What about x instead”. She would have to second guess all my preferences. I’m sure she did to DH while he was growing up too.

My DH can’t state his preferences. If we are deciding where to eat, I’ll ask him for his suggestions. He’ll say” I don’t know. Give me a suggestion”. I make a suggestion and he’ll say “No, I don’t want that”.

Okay - give me a suggestion then. He can’t. He can say no to all my suggestions but can’t provide any of his own.

I can’t stand people like this. They’re always like “whatever! I’m easy!”

Then it goes:

You: Great! How about X?
Them: Nah, I don’t feel like Italian.
You: Okay, what about Thai?
Them: Sure, anything, I’m easy.
You: What about Z?
Them: Mmm, their stuff is too…saucy.
You: Q?
Them: Their service isn’t the best.
You: Okay, you suggest something.
Them: I don’t care, anything is fine.

Haha, this sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

I remember the days when people would just decide to go to the movies, and meet at the theatre at 7. Something started at 6:50? Oh well, let’s see what’s playing now. 7:20 is Rain Man, 7:45 Moonstruck. That’s with Cher, right? I love her. Or there’s Wallstreet at 8:30 and we can grab a beer over there. Yeah let’s do that! I love Dustin Hoffman! No, he’s in Rain Man, Wallstreet has Michael Douglas. He plays a businessman or something. Oh okay. I’ll get the tickets and I’ll meet you over there. Order me a Heineken.

Granted, back then you weren’t as likely to get a dud and movies didn’t cost 30 bucks. But people were also a lot less uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever wants to make the deciding choice -- the response is always "I don't know" or "I don't care." It's exhausting to have be the one who has to make all the decisions, but then again, if you can decide you don't really care if it's not the one people secretly are hoping for, then it's also kind of liberating. You just make the decision and if others are displeased they can do / eat /watch something else.

My husband's family is like this. They think expressing a preference is rude and pushy. Meanwhile, his mom and brother will get annoyed if they don't get their way, even though they never actually expressed a preference. It drives me up a wall.

I think they do express it but in very subtle ways

And how’s that working out for them? Speak up, use your words, clear is kind. If you can’t open your mouth and discuss what you want, too bad. Oh well. Life goes on. We’re not fortune tellers or interpreters of your innermost thoughts. You have a mouth, you can open it.

Saying you need time to think about something before making a decision is using your words.

I think OP’s DH knows that his wife doesn’t actually care about his preferences since she won’t give him time to figure those out.

NP. This is ridiculously dramatic. Like…it was a Chick-Fil-A order and “Do you want to see Migration today?”

Reminds me of a guy I dated years ago. He’d spend several minutes at the counter at McDonald’s asking for details about different items. Thought it was unreasonable that you can’t wear something for a few months and then return it for a full refund because you decided you didn’t like it.
Ultimately broke up with me because there weren’t enough parking options near my house. He broke up with the woman before me because she tried to hold his hand once and he’s not into hand holding and this was “a trauma”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think these people must not be understanding that you've actually made a decision, not so much throwing an idea out. If you've already decided to see Migration, it's not "do you feel like seeing a movie today?" They think there's room to negotiate or come up with alternatives. For indecisive people, maybe your language needs to be more direct without question marks.

Yeah the dude needs to understand that it’s the kids who run the show and he, I am sorry, “they” are an afterthought

Nobody else’s kid runs my life. Maybe they feel the same.

You are a child. Sad.

If you think children call the shots, then yes, I am a child. I call the shots in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think these people must not be understanding that you've actually made a decision, not so much throwing an idea out. If you've already decided to see Migration, it's not "do you feel like seeing a movie today?" They think there's room to negotiate or come up with alternatives. For indecisive people, maybe your language needs to be more direct without question marks.

Yeah the dude needs to understand that it’s the kids who run the show and he, I am sorry, “they” are an afterthought

Nobody else’s kid runs my life. Maybe they feel the same.

This is something that a person who was abused as a child would say. I'm truly sorry for whatever happened to you, but being jealous and angry when children receive love and care isn't the way to live a good life.

This is making me laugh. Ok, armchair shrink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

I remember the days when people would just decide to go to the movies, and meet at the theatre at 7. Something started at 6:50? Oh well, let’s see what’s playing now. 7:20 is Rain Man, 7:45 Moonstruck. That’s with Cher, right? I love her. Or there’s Wallstreet at 8:30 and we can grab a beer over there. Yeah let’s do that! I love Dustin Hoffman! No, he’s in Rain Man, Wallstreet has Michael Douglas. He plays a businessman or something. Oh okay. I’ll get the tickets and I’ll meet you over there. Order me a Heineken.

Granted, back then you weren’t as likely to get a dud and movies didn’t cost 30 bucks. But people were also a lot less uptight.

I don't remember those days. We used to get the newspaper out and decide which theater we were going to could see all the times there. Then after a few phone calls would make the plan. But we didn't just randomly show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever wants to make the deciding choice -- the response is always "I don't know" or "I don't care." It's exhausting to have be the one who has to make all the decisions, but then again, if you can decide you don't really care if it's not the one people secretly are hoping for, then it's also kind of liberating. You just make the decision and if others are displeased they can do / eat /watch something else.

My husband's family is like this. They think expressing a preference is rude and pushy. Meanwhile, his mom and brother will get annoyed if they don't get their way, even though they never actually expressed a preference. It drives me up a wall.

I think they do express it but in very subtle ways

And how’s that working out for them? Speak up, use your words, clear is kind. If you can’t open your mouth and discuss what you want, too bad. Oh well. Life goes on. We’re not fortune tellers or interpreters of your innermost thoughts. You have a mouth, you can open it.

Saying you need time to think about something before making a decision is using your words.

I think OP’s DH knows that his wife doesn’t actually care about his preferences since she won’t give him time to figure those out.

NP. This is ridiculously dramatic. Like…it was a Chick-Fil-A order and “Do you want to see Migration today?”

Reminds me of a guy I dated years ago. He’d spend several minutes at the counter at McDonald’s asking for details about different items. Thought it was unreasonable that you can’t wear something for a few months and then return it for a full refund because you decided you didn’t like it.
Ultimately broke up with me because there weren’t enough parking options near my house. He broke up with the woman before me because she tried to hold his hand once and he’s not into hand holding and this was “a trauma”.

OMG, you dodged a bullet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think these people must not be understanding that you've actually made a decision, not so much throwing an idea out. If you've already decided to see Migration, it's not "do you feel like seeing a movie today?" They think there's room to negotiate or come up with alternatives. For indecisive people, maybe your language needs to be more direct without question marks.

Yeah the dude needs to understand that it’s the kids who run the show and he, I am sorry, “they” are an afterthought

Nobody else’s kid runs my life. Maybe they feel the same.

You are a child. Sad.

If you think children call the shots, then yes, I am a child. I call the shots in my life.

You must not actually have kids. Because you may think you're leaving somewhere on time then there's a diaper blow out or a baby pukes all over you. Good luck with calling all the shots then, big shot.

[Anonymous]

I used to hire lots of people. Three of us would interview, pick them for varios locations, and then we'd bring them to our supervisor for a final approval. There was one person on the team who would change her mind over and over. Our supervisor would then go along with it and the two of them would debate this stuff for days. Oftentimes, they'd go back to the original choices. It taught me to be patient and think about my decisions a bit longer than I would have, but i rarely changed my mind. It was definitely a personality quirk for them because they both would hand-wring and second guess all their decisions. I knew them well enough to know they did this in their personal lives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

I remember the days when people would just decide to go to the movies, and meet at the theatre at 7. Something started at 6:50? Oh well, let’s see what’s playing now. 7:20 is Rain Man, 7:45 Moonstruck. That’s with Cher, right? I love her. Or there’s Wallstreet at 8:30 and we can grab a beer over there. Yeah let’s do that! I love Dustin Hoffman! No, he’s in Rain Man, Wallstreet has Michael Douglas. He plays a businessman or something. Oh okay. I’ll get the tickets and I’ll meet you over there. Order me a Heineken.

Granted, back then you weren’t as likely to get a dud and movies didn’t cost 30 bucks. But people were also a lot less uptight.

+1 I remember doing this too. There were uptight people back then too, but I just didn't hang out with them. No way would I spend time with someone like OP's in-laws. They sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really pushy OP
If you feel this way, just don't ask them or ask all ahead of time. I hate pushy people who rush others. Your imaginary deadline isn't anyone's issue. It's yours

I’m not OP, but how do you get anything done? A movie starts at a set time. That’s not an imaginary deadline. If you show up 40 minutes late, they don’t restart it from the beginning for you.

Movies are scheduled well in advance.

I remember the days when people would just decide to go to the movies, and meet at the theatre at 7. Something started at 6:50? Oh well, let’s see what’s playing now. 7:20 is Rain Man, 7:45 Moonstruck. That’s with Cher, right? I love her. Or there’s Wallstreet at 8:30 and we can grab a beer over there. Yeah let’s do that! I love Dustin Hoffman! No, he’s in Rain Man, Wallstreet has Michael Douglas. He plays a businessman or something. Oh okay. I’ll get the tickets and I’ll meet you over there. Order me a Heineken.

Granted, back then you weren’t as likely to get a dud and movies didn’t cost 30 bucks. But people were also a lot less uptight.

Good imagery and memories