How to navigate sleeping arrangements for holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Cant you say this exact same thing about Dad though? He's the one not being flexible, she is at least making a compromise. Daddys anger and controlling issues are what's harming their relationship, not an adult deciding how to spend her time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Being a brat would be sneaking around and flaunt breaking her dad's rule in front of her siblings. She's not doing that.

We don't know what conversations have occurred between DD and her BF. Perhaps he's really uncomfortable sleeping in the den? Perhaps he has a bad back and can't sleep on a fold out couch? We do know that she isn't just making decisions by herself--she has to consider his feelings too. They've decided to stay in a hotel--for whatever reason--after learning they can't both use the bedroom at your home. There's nothing bratty about that. She's allowed to consider his feelings (and her own feelings) in deciding where to sleep. She's being respectful of her dad's rules in doing so.

Your DH needs to get over himself.

[Anonymous]

It's weird that your DH is so upset about this-- I suspect it's not really about these small amounts of time. She's been mostly living outside her parents' house for years, no? He needs to get used to it. It's called the empty nest for a reason. Adult children leave and cleave, that's the way of the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

Yeah, you get to say that, but when she calls your bluff you don't get to whine about that too.

OP your husband decided what was important to him — controlling the sexuality of his adult daughter. The consequences are that she can choose not to stay at your house. He can't control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's a brat. Your house, your rules.

Yeah, you get to say that, but when she calls your bluff you don't get to whine about that too.

OP your husband decided what was important to him — controlling the sexuality of his adult daughter. The consequences are that she can choose not to stay at your house. He can't control everything.

+1. He made his choice, and choices have consequences.

If you think this is about family harmony, OP, maybe you should consider that it's not really about family harmony to your DH. It's about controlling his adult daughter. And that's not harmony.

[Anonymous]

??? Is it OP sock-pupetting here?

I can't believe there would be that many different people on DCUM angry that a 23 year old is mature enough to PAY FOR A HOTEL ROOM with her boyfriend, so the sight of them sharing a room does not offend her family.

I was married at 23. 23 is old enough to share a room with a significant other. If you support your husband, OP, you won't see her a lot, and you sure won't see the grandkids a lot.

[Anonymous]

The hotel is the answer.

Dad is entitled to make whatever rules he wants. He should consider his wife’s opinion as partner and co-owner of the house, but it sounds like he is maintaining the rules they’ve always had and just not making an exception.

As an adult, daughter is entitled to choose whether to abide by his rules or to sleep elsewhere. The family rules for sleeping arrangements don’t work for her, so staying at a hotel is a logical alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has zero respect for her family. As your eldest she could at least attempt to set a decent example for younger siblings.

BINGO

Not Bingo
She's is modeling that once she is an adult she should be treated as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

Part of facilitating a good relationship between her partner and her parents is setting boundaries. Her BF is forgoing the holidays with his own family to spend time with hers. He's traveling and staying away from his own home. He's being shoved into a den to sleep on a pullout couch alone, with no privacy, in the home of strangers.

I applaud OP's daughter for setting a healthy boundary and supporting her partner, while also respecting her parent's rules. And understand, this IS her respecting your rules. Your husband said no room sharing, she said okay, we'll stay at a hotel. She's still coming to spend the holiday with you, but she is also showing that her partner's needs will be a priority as well.

You should be proud, OP. You've raised a productive independent adult who can think for herself, and has her own moral compass, despite outside pressure.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that he is ticked, because now the younger siblings will be annoyed with him as well. Big Sister coming home for Christmas, and Dad pulls the not under my roof stuff. Everyone knows they are sleeping together. There is no secret about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your DH's rule, due especially to younger siblings, and I think your daughter has every right to do what she plans to do but I still think she is being a brat. It's only a few days and for the sake of family harmony and facilitating a good relationship between her SO and her parents, I think she should be more flexible. FWIW, I have been in almost the exact situation with my daughters and they always respected our house rules (even if they didn't like them).

The daughter in this scenario IS respecting the house rules. In every single way. She's not arguing, she's not throwing a tantrum, she's not insisting that she sleep with her SO in her parents house.

The father, on the other hand, is arguing, throwing a tantrum, and insisting that he get his way.

You have accurately identified that there is a brat in this situation - but you picked the wrong person as the brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter has zero respect for her family. As your eldest she could at least attempt to set a decent example for younger siblings.

An example of caving to pressure and control? An example of pretending she isn't having sex? Specifically what kind of example are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

If your daughter was going to see her boyfriend’s parents for Christmas, and told you she was expected to sleep in a house full of strangers in a room with no privacy (glass doors!?) on a pull-out bed, and that her boyfriend was going along with this because his mother was “conservative” what would that tell you about their relationship and its potential for future success?

I congratulate your daughter on demonstrating the maturity not to ask her partner to spend his Christmas like that. I am sorry for you that your husband has already made your family the “bad” in laws.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you share your husband's opinion on the sleeping arrangements? Parents are welcome to make their own rules in their homes, but adult children are also welcome to make their own decisions.

I think PPs who have pointed out that what you're offering isn't a very private or comfortable option to your daughter's boyfriend are right that this is part of the issue. When my husband visited my dad's house with me before we were married, he stayed in the guest room even though we lived together. There also wasn't really a hotel nearby, so that was likely part of our decision too.

[Anonymous]

At the very, very least you need to pay for her hotel room. You’re lucky she’s coming home at all, your DH is being a jerk.

And whoever posted the SNL link, that is absolutely hilarious!