DD says she wants a nicer house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you tell her house prices depend more on location than niceness. You like yours because it’s closer to the things you guys do.

This is the easiest way to explain it.

[Anonymous]

You may want to expose her to those who have much less than she does. When our kids were about her age they would deliver meals to elderly shut ins on holidays and help in a soup kitchen. It didn’t take up much of their time but it always led to discussions about how lucky we were even though we didn’t live in a grand style. Our church organized it so it was very easy to participate.

[Anonymous]

Your post comes across as defensive which I wonder if your daughter picks up on.

Desirability is in the eye of the beholder, and your (small) daughter is saying she desires largeness and newness and the novelty of suburbia. Just say "yeah, that is a nice house, but we can't move because of XYZ and here are the advantages our house provides for our family."

[Anonymous]

My DD said her friends house is much bigger and newer and nicer than ours, then I told her we’re at a very good school district. I also told DD if she study hard work hard then she has better chance to afford what she wants. You don’t just get your kids their dream house because they feel sad comparing to their peers, and you don’t have to feel guilt or anything. I tell my kids we are t rich people but do our best to provide them what we can give, and they should appreciate what they have.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth do you think you need to justify your house to an eight year old? When my son at that age started asking for something that I had no intention of getting (“I want an X Box. Josh has one!”) my response was always “and I want a pony and neither one of us is getting what we want today”. You have to train them to understand there are a million reasons to not do something other than you can’t afford it. Just say “I choose not to”.

[Anonymous]

Can you just say, “aw! I love our house! XX’s is nice too, but I like ours the best!”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 8 year old who has on occasion made similar comments about other people having bigger houses than ours (we have family farther outside the beltway).

I’ve explained you’re right, they do have really nice homes and it’s so nice to visit. We could afford a house just like that, but not in our neighborhood. We’d have to give up walking places, going into the city often (we live right near a metro station), and would have to change schools/sports teams for us to move out there though. That shuts down the fantasy of a bigger house pretty quickly.

Also, he hates being in the car for more than 10-15 min. so when we do drive out to these places (usually along 66) he will make comments about “is this traffic?” “Why do we have to spend so long in the car.”)

I think kids this age can generally understand the concept of trade offs, so I’m okay explaining why we made the choice that we did and what that means we’re giving up vs gaining.

I like this answer. I’m in the same boat as you, OP, but 10-12 years down the line. My DD went through this after going to a party out in the exurbs. I explained it similar to the above with a nod to college and retirement savings. We, too, could have afforded to move but did not want to. Fast forward several years ahead, kid is happy about where they grew up, etc.

[Anonymous]

I prefer privacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I look forward to visiting you someday in a large and beautiful home" That's what I would have said. And that's all.

Imho, it's ridiculous to take what they say so seriously and be embarrassed in any way.

This! Boundaries, op. She is a child. This should be as real to you as if she said she wanted a pet unicorn. She is not an adult. She is a child. You are in charge, not her. She needs you to be the grownup here.

This is stupid and infantilizing. An 8 y/o knows unicorns aren’t real, but sees first hand their friends in larger homes.

The clock is ticking down on your ability to instill values in your kids. The older they get the more they will look to outside sources to color how they view the world.

Older elementary age is the perfect time to have basic, but honest conversations with your kids about stuff like money, sex, puberty, etc.

I don’t think you need to go as far as showing your kids Redfin estimates and your savings account. But there’s nothing wrong with explaining concepts about location affecting real estate costs, that everything in life involves trade offs, etc.

.

Op here. This is generally my parenting style. I’ve told her she can ask me about anything. My parents were very weird about money and I had no idea how to manage money or why certain financial decisions weren’t great ones until way later in life.

I think it can be explained in a very matter of fact way without any judgement to other’s situations.

For the PPs that said she was jealous or bratty or spoiled … it was said without any envy. More just like “they have a nice house, I wish ours was like that” but said very neutrally. The way she said it is what made me take a very practical approach on explaining it to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I look forward to visiting you someday in a large and beautiful home" That's what I would have said. And that's all.

Imho, it's ridiculous to take what they say so seriously and be embarrassed in any way.

This! Boundaries, op. She is a child. This should be as real to you as if she said she wanted a pet unicorn. She is not an adult. She is a child. You are in charge, not her. She needs you to be the grownup here.

This is stupid and infantilizing. An 8 y/o knows unicorns aren’t real, but sees first hand their friends in larger homes.

The clock is ticking down on your ability to instill values in your kids. The older they get the more they will look to outside sources to color how they view the world.

Older elementary age is the perfect time to have basic, but honest conversations with your kids about stuff like money, sex, puberty, etc.

I don’t think you need to go as far as showing your kids Redfin estimates and your savings account. But there’s nothing wrong with explaining concepts about location affecting real estate costs, that everything in life involves trade offs, etc.

.

Op here. This is generally my parenting style. I’ve told her she can ask me about anything. My parents were very weird about money and I had no idea how to manage money or why certain financial decisions weren’t great ones until way later in life.

I think it can be explained in a very matter of fact way without any judgement to other’s situations.

For the PPs that said she was jealous or bratty or spoiled … it was said without any envy. More just like “they have a nice house, I wish ours was like that” but said very neutrally. The way she said it is what made me take a very practical approach on explaining it to her.

DP. I’m still not clear on why you would need to explain anything after such an innocuous comment. Being defensive about it isn’t going to help her make better financial decisions in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD8 has been going to friends houses and many live in very nice houses. We live in an inner suburb with primarily older houses, but she is in an activity where most of her friends live in the exurbs where there are mainly new builds. She goes over to their houses and has started saying she wished we lived in a nicer house like that. Happened again last night.

The spread between what our house would sell for and what theirs would sell for isn’t as astronomical as I’m sure she thinks. We are just in a far more desirable and practical location, making our modest home more desirable.

We bought our house in 2009 for cheap and have re-fi’d a couple times into 2.5% interest rate. Our house would sell for more than double we bought it for, but it’s such a great place to be in to have a small mortgage payment and we will have no payment before she goes to college. It’s financial freedom.

Last night when she said she wished we lived in a nicer house like that, she said she knows we can’t afford it. However, we very much could and then some. We may about $500k a year. The approach I’m taking with DD is very practical to explain why we stay … we have no debt, we can pay for college for her, we can pay for her crazy expensive activity, we can retire earlier, she won’t ever need to help us financially when we are older, etc. Is this too much info for an 8 year old? Would you explain it a different way? She’s pretty mature, so I’ve taken to just telling her how it is with a lot of things recently.

You are going into waaaay more detail than you need to. As another PP said, you're also setting up reasons she can knock down and/or make the wrong assumptions about her friends in those other house. You're obviously very well off and I'm sure you'll have other opportunities to instill financial values. Don't make it seem like you have buckets and buckets of money for college, early retirement, and elder care all because you've chosen not to move to a similiarly valued house.

If you don't want to seed any worries of financial insecurity, when she says things like the bolded, just say "sure we could, but we chose this house and we're happy here" or something super simple.

[Anonymous]

I would not even respond if my 8 year old said this.

If it bothers you let her know that your home is just right for your family and it's good that her friends have homes just right for them. You could also let her declutter and redecorate her room

[Anonymous]

“Everyone makes different choices about how they spend their money. Our choices mean that we enjoy living in Our Town even though we have a smaller house. We have money to buy all the things we need and some of the things we want. That’s an incredibly fortunate position to be.”

And then make some friends who aren’t snobs.

[Anonymous]

Great. This can be incentive to her to get awesome grades and a great career where she can afford what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great. This can be incentive to her to get awesome grades and a great career where she can afford what she wants.

You guys are setting your kids up for disappointment if you instill this nonsense. Millennials are the first generation to do materially worse than their parents; Gen Z and alpha will be even worse off. “Work hard for good grades and prosper” is dead. You either come from money or you don’t. Class mobility via college isn’t happening.