Anyone marry a failure to launch husband?

[Anonymous]

Getter married is itself launching, so that wouldn't be possible.

[Anonymous]

A good friend married a guy like this when they were both in their 40s. He was ready to settle down but told her he didn't want children and his desire was to surf the world when they were no longer working as teachers. She wanted kids but knew the odds were poor at that age so she accept the deal. They have a great life traveling to hot surf spots in between working remote jobs. Take the kids out of the equation and life/marriage is much easier to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getter married is itself launching, so that wouldn't be possible.

They can always become unmarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getter married is itself launching, so that wouldn't be possible.

They can always become unmarried.

Then they're just losers.

[Anonymous]

If you chose a failure to launch husband that says as much about you as about him. Kind of like buying a sh*tty car and then complaining about it for years. Well...no once forced it on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getter married is itself launching, so that wouldn't be possible.

…. Right into the ground!

Especially if you were trying so hard to keep it together to secure the baton toss between Mommy and Wifey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was stupid enough too. I thought we are young and he will mature as we age. Nope!
Complete downward spiral. He developed alcoholism, has untreated adhd, no executive functioning skills and no life skills in general. Emotionally he acts like he’s 22. We are pushing 40.

What a disaster.

Sorry.

Pull the plug. Unclear what you’re waiting for. No one should live with a life-sucking, unhealthy liability like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adhd doesn’t always mean they’ll be failure to launch. My Dh has bad adhd but he has been incredibly independent.

I think a lot of it is having chores and responsibilities as a kid. I’m scared for the next generation. None of my kids friends have ever had any chores.

I think it's definitely this. I tell my two kids - You will be a good partner one day, that's why you're learning how to sweep!

[Anonymous]

I married a DH with employment issues. When we met, he had just started his first job post grad school. He was living with parents but had been in school so I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until after we were married that he started losing jobs. And we eventually realized he has ADHD and autism. Now working for the fed government but I make most of the $

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getter married is itself launching, so that wouldn't be possible.

That’s the ticket! Check!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a DH with employment issues. When we met, he had just started his first job post grad school. He was living with parents but had been in school so I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until after we were married that he started losing jobs. And we eventually realized he has ADHD and autism. Now working for the fed government but I make most of the $

And his mother or father never suspected that?

or had to deal with behavior problems or learning issues?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?

I’m confused by your confusion. They mask. All crappy partners “mask.” Alcoholics, addicts, rage-aholics, sex addicts, and perennial losers. They keep it together for as long as they need to and once they feel comfortable, the real them comes out.

No one can “mask” being a loser. That would require high sociopathic intelligence and willful deception. If he’s a failure to launch bum, he is almost certainly not that smart or sophisticated.

The whole thing about failure to launch is it is immediately visible, ie. still living in mom’s basement, holding down menial jobs etc. (NOT being a GS 14, wth?)

All the failure to launch types I know failed to launch because they never had to. Either extremely wealthy or enabled by parents who could support them. They are smart, well-read, well-traveled, well-educated, own homes and usually work at something in a casual way that doesn't bring in much money.
I should know, since I'm one of them.

Good for you.

All the FTL 20-50 yos we know have unmanaged adhd or aspergers. Many of their parents do as well so they can’t figure it out.

Right now one was gifted a bunch of rental properties because he can’t hold down a job without messing up or saying/doing someone foolish.

Maybe it just sticks out more because these FTL DHs and [someone you know's] son are men.

How many women have well paid husbands--have a kid or more--then never go back to work. Is it because they are "better at being a SAHM" than working at regular jobs? DWs live in homes paid for by someone else, in this case their husband instead of wealthy parents. They "just volunteer" and do other non-regular jobs. Or have hobbies. Or hang out in Europe. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's not a FTL wife, is it? Just the males. Got it.

Didn’t catch who was parenting and raising the kids, managing the schedules / health/ ECs, maintaining the house, managing the staff and repair vendors, and planning the future trips and goals whilst the rich husband works all day and then night on his phone.

Um. They aren't all doing that. I am a mostly WFH single parent here, very active in PTA and see lots of Moms. There is about the same breakdown of ables and not ables across the spectrum. Some are staying and home and struggling with the basics. Because we don't expect boys to do lots of the caring and family maintenance, so not working is the glaring sign of FTL.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?

I’m confused by your confusion. They mask. All crappy partners “mask.” Alcoholics, addicts, rage-aholics, sex addicts, and perennial losers. They keep it together for as long as they need to and once they feel comfortable, the real them comes out.

No one can “mask” being a loser. That would require high sociopathic intelligence and willful deception. If he’s a failure to launch bum, he is almost certainly not that smart or sophisticated.

The whole thing about failure to launch is it is immediately visible, ie. still living in mom’s basement, holding down menial jobs etc. (NOT being a GS 14, wth?)

All the failure to launch types I know failed to launch because they never had to. Either extremely wealthy or enabled by parents who could support them. They are smart, well-read, well-traveled, well-educated, own homes and usually work at something in a casual way that doesn't bring in much money.
I should know, since I'm one of them.

Good for you.

All the FTL 20-50 yos we know have unmanaged adhd or aspergers. Many of their parents do as well so they can’t figure it out.

Right now one was gifted a bunch of rental properties because he can’t hold down a job without messing up or saying/doing someone foolish.

Maybe it just sticks out more because these FTL DHs and [someone you know's] son are men.

How many women have well paid husbands--have a kid or more--then never go back to work. Is it because they are "better at being a SAHM" than working at regular jobs? DWs live in homes paid for by someone else, in this case their husband instead of wealthy parents. They "just volunteer" and do other non-regular jobs. Or have hobbies. Or hang out in Europe. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's not a FTL wife, is it? Just the males. Got it.

Didn’t catch who was parenting and raising the kids, managing the schedules / health/ ECs, maintaining the house, managing the staff and repair vendors, and planning the future trips and goals whilst the rich husband works all day and then night on his phone.

Um. They aren't all doing that. I am a mostly WFH single parent here, very active in PTA and see lots of Moms. There is about the same breakdown of ables and not ables across the spectrum. Some are staying and home and struggling with the basics. Because we don't expect boys to do lots of the caring and family maintenance, so not working is the glaring sign of FTL.

Sorry, don’t follow. Who is doing all those things for the kids, family and house then in your example?

[Anonymous]

OP, how many times were you warned f red flags by family and friends? How many times did you get angry and ignore your family and friends? Let me guess, you cried to your family and friends when things were really awful, took their help and $$, but stayed with dh. If you look back, I bet you will see how you discarded the advice of those who really cared for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but my good friend did and it sucks to watch…I really feel for her. She’s super smart and has her sh*t together - when they met they were almost 30, he was employed and they hit it off. During the 3 years they dated before getting married, he did go through one short period of being between jobs but of course at the time it seemed like a one-off / due to the crappy economic. She did have to have sort of a come-to-Jesus talk with him at the time about the need to (eventually) just find SOMEthing…but again, it felt like a guy who briefly lost his confidence/identity and got depressed with the endless cycle of job searching, which is understandable and even relatable. He buckled down and got a great job and things were stable for a long time…there was nothing to indicate that it would become any sort of pattern. But, fast forward 5/6 years…they had a kid and he lost that amazing job, and it’s just been an unstable sh*tshow since then. He cycles through having a job for a year or two, then either getting let go or getting to the point where it’s clear he’s on the chopping block, constantly talking about quitting and eventually doing so. Then he’s unemployed for months at a time, draining their savings and not even stepping up to help with their DD while he just…”applies for jobs” aka sleeps in and does who knows what on his computer in the basement all day. It’s so unfair to my friend, who is handling everything (…doesn’t particularly love HER job but would never dream of just quitting and leaving her family in a lurch). I do think they will probably eventually divorce, but know my friend didn’t feel comfortable doing that to her daughter when she was younger. Now that their daughter is older and more self-sufficient/capable, I imagine the next time he pulls this will be the last straw for her. She’s already just soooo so over him/this whole routine.


It’s wild because he is, at heart, such a good person (shirt off your back kind of guy), a great friend and fun to hang out with. But I can’t imagine the frustration of being married to him

this is so me that i wonder if i'm your friend. but i have 2 boys.