Anyone marry a failure to launch husband?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I was stupid enough too. I thought we are young and he will mature as we age. Nope!
Complete downward spiral. He developed alcoholism, has untreated adhd, no executive functioning skills and no life skills in general. Emotionally he acts like he’s 22. We are pushing 40. What a disaster. |
Anonymous
| Is he gainfully employed? |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why there are so many people like this. Yes I married one. Also lost his job several times. |
Anonymous
| Failure-to-launch is a phenomenon born from being enabled to slough everything off. I think some tough love in the form of a trial separation is in order. Don’t lifft a finger ffor him. He will wail and moan until he figures out it is on him to get himself sorted out. |
Anonymous
| Yep. Mine was actually pretty high-functioning in his 20s and early 30s. He has reverse matured. We’re heading for divorce. |
Anonymous
|
Thankfully no, but it's been touch and go at times. His brother is a total failure to launch and never married. I definitely think a lot of the same issues run in the family-- ADHD, extremely low distress tolerance, avoidant behavior.
I think what saved my DH to some extent is that he developed a peer group in college who is ambitious and focused. DH is not like that, but he sees from their lives what can be accomplished with effort. He also sees with his older brother the danger of just giving up. It's not easy, but he has managed to create a stable (if low paying) career and is a decent dad to one kid. I actually think the hardest part for us is that his whole family is low functioning and it often just feels like dead weight we drag around. It is very good for DH to minimize the time he spends with them. |
Anonymous
+1 About the same. Mine started going backwards in his mid-30s and every passing year it gets worse. |
Anonymous
At this age he’s deadweight . Maybe if his parents had treated his adhd and made him accountable for his basic hygiene, chores and behavior as a child but not now. Tough Love after age 25 usually fails Cut bait and move on. |
Anonymous
|
Addiction, Abuse, Adultery = Divorce
even with kids You need to act, Op. |
Anonymous
| Yes. Our relationship is over. We stay as roommates. I have lost respect for him. It's not salvageable. Just focus on kids and carve out my own happiness. |
Anonymous
|
OP, just say, he's an alcoholic -- full stop. There may be no clear way to know this, but if treating the alcoholism could enable him to function, and if you think there is still a marriage there if he were not drinking, well, it's time for the intervention and treatment. If the other aspects of his behavior were present prior to alcoholism, then you may not choose to try to help him get sober. Only you can know that. Just realize that addiction trumps everything else you've mentioned, frankly. Alcoholic, full stop. If you do not have kids, and the love is dead enough that you don't want to help him and see if things improve with help, I'd exit. If you do have kids, though, you need to think hard about whether he can function as a safe parent when he has them 50 percent of the time totally solo without you. It's sick to have to think, "I"ll stay in this so he does not have solo time with the kids when he's drunk, abusive, etc.," but sadly it is a factor many people end up considering. You'll get a lot of "Just divorce and show the kids at least ONE healthy home that offsets his terrible parenting" posts but it's not always that simple. But again -- no kids? Then the only calculation is if there is enough love left for him to want to help him back to being a better person. If he was always a man-child, maybe not. |
Anonymous
|
I am a woman, but I too would say that I have gone backwards and reversed matured as well. I used to have it all together but it has all unraveled. I also have ADHD and then developed an autoimmune disorder and the combination was unraveling.
It is a weird position to be in. I am currently single so I am not dragging anyways backwards with me but it is still strange to unmature. |
Anonymous
| Most people with ADHD have the skills. They just can't put them to use. It is one of the executive functioning dysfunctions that go with ADHD. They have the knowledge and skills - it is the performance that is impaired by the ADHD. |
Anonymous
And both of you worked on yourselves and are more truly wonderful as you get older, right? |
Anonymous
|
No, but my good friend did and it sucks to watch…I really feel for her. She’s super smart and has her sh*t together - when they met they were almost 30, he was employed and they hit it off. During the 3 years they dated before getting married, he did go through one short period of being between jobs but of course at the time it seemed like a one-off / due to the crappy economic. She did have to have sort of a come-to-Jesus talk with him at the time about the need to (eventually) just find SOMEthing…but again, it felt like a guy who briefly lost his confidence/identity and got depressed with the endless cycle of job searching, which is understandable and even relatable. He buckled down and got a great job and things were stable for a long time…there was nothing to indicate that it would become any sort of pattern. But, fast forward 5/6 years…they had a kid and he lost that amazing job, and it’s just been an unstable sh*tshow since then. He cycles through having a job for a year or two, then either getting let go or getting to the point where it’s clear he’s on the chopping block, constantly talking about quitting and eventually doing so. Then he’s unemployed for months at a time, draining their savings and not even stepping up to help with their DD while he just…”applies for jobs” aka sleeps in and does who knows what on his computer in the basement all day. It’s so unfair to my friend, who is handling everything (…doesn’t particularly love HER job but would never dream of just quitting and leaving her family in a lurch). I do think they will probably eventually divorce, but know my friend didn’t feel comfortable doing that to her daughter when she was younger. Now that their daughter is older and more self-sufficient/capable, I imagine the next time he pulls this will be the last straw for her. She’s already just soooo so over him/this whole routine.
It’s wild because he is, at heart, such a good person (shirt off your back kind of guy), a great friend and fun to hang out with. But I can’t imagine the frustration of being married to him |