Anyone marry a failure to launch husband?

[Anonymous]

Usually the situation starts with a woman so desperate to get married that she overlooks a lot of very obvious things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but my good friend did and it sucks to watch…I really feel for her. She’s super smart and has her sh*t together - when they met they were almost 30, he was employed and they hit it off. During the 3 years they dated before getting married, he did go through one short period of being between jobs but of course at the time it seemed like a one-off / due to the crappy economic. She did have to have sort of a come-to-Jesus talk with him at the time about the need to (eventually) just find SOMEthing…but again, it felt like a guy who briefly lost his confidence/identity and got depressed with the endless cycle of job searching, which is understandable and even relatable. He buckled down and got a great job and things were stable for a long time…there was nothing to indicate that it would become any sort of pattern. But, fast forward 5/6 years…they had a kid and he lost that amazing job, and it’s just been an unstable sh*tshow since then. He cycles through having a job for a year or two, then either getting let go or getting to the point where it’s clear he’s on the chopping block, constantly talking about quitting and eventually doing so. Then he’s unemployed for months at a time, draining their savings and not even stepping up to help with their DD while he just…”applies for jobs” aka sleeps in and does who knows what on his computer in the basement all day. It’s so unfair to my friend, who is handling everything (…doesn’t particularly love HER job but would never dream of just quitting and leaving her family in a lurch). I do think they will probably eventually divorce, but know my friend didn’t feel comfortable doing that to her daughter when she was younger. Now that their daughter is older and more self-sufficient/capable, I imagine the next time he pulls this will be the last straw for her. She’s already just soooo so over him/this whole routine.


It’s wild because he is, at heart, such a good person (shirt off your back kind of guy), a great friend and fun to hang out with. But I can’t imagine the frustration of being married to him

What is at the root of him losing all of these jobs? Is he diagnosed with ADHD? A learning disability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Got fired 4 years in a row and finally used his veteran status to get a GS-14 position and can never quit that job, because he will never be capable of keeping a job and the fed is the only employer that tolerates people like him bc they have to. I am filing for divorce now that he has stable employment. The kids will never get any money from him bc he can't manage his finances and ran up $50k in consumer debt that he will spend the rest of his life paying off.

But why is he like this? Trying to understand so it doesn’t happen to my kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?

+1 Please enlighten us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happened to me, DH is a GS14.

A GS-14 is not a “failure to launch” person.

Geez some of you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but my good friend did and it sucks to watch…I really feel for her. She’s super smart and has her sh*t together - when they met they were almost 30, he was employed and they hit it off. During the 3 years they dated before getting married, he did go through one short period of being between jobs but of course at the time it seemed like a one-off / due to the crappy economic. She did have to have sort of a come-to-Jesus talk with him at the time about the need to (eventually) just find SOMEthing…but again, it felt like a guy who briefly lost his confidence/identity and got depressed with the endless cycle of job searching, which is understandable and even relatable. He buckled down and got a great job and things were stable for a long time…there was nothing to indicate that it would become any sort of pattern. But, fast forward 5/6 years…they had a kid and he lost that amazing job, and it’s just been an unstable sh*tshow since then. He cycles through having a job for a year or two, then either getting let go or getting to the point where it’s clear he’s on the chopping block, constantly talking about quitting and eventually doing so. Then he’s unemployed for months at a time, draining their savings and not even stepping up to help with their DD while he just…”applies for jobs” aka sleeps in and does who knows what on his computer in the basement all day. It’s so unfair to my friend, who is handling everything (…doesn’t particularly love HER job but would never dream of just quitting and leaving her family in a lurch). I do think they will probably eventually divorce, but know my friend didn’t feel comfortable doing that to her daughter when she was younger. Now that their daughter is older and more self-sufficient/capable, I imagine the next time he pulls this will be the last straw for her. She’s already just soooo so over him/this whole routine.


It’s wild because he is, at heart, such a good person (shirt off your back kind of guy), a great friend and fun to hang out with. But I can’t imagine the frustration of being married to him

What is at the root of him losing all of these jobs? Is he diagnosed with ADHD? A learning disability?

I think there is a lot of underlying untreated anxiety at play. No Adhd diagnosis that I know of, but it’s definitely possible… it seems like he starts a job, tries at first but initially gets lazy and overly complacent, then gets stressed bc he’s been slacking and he knows it shows, then is convinced he’s about to be fired and stops trying at all…repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adhd doesn’t always mean they’ll be failure to launch. My Dh has bad adhd but he has been incredibly independent.

I think a lot of it is having chores and responsibilities as a kid. I’m scared for the next generation. None of my kids friends have ever had any chores.

I never had any and I am definitely not failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Late to the discussing but I’m in the midst of separating from a failure-to-launch. I’ll be losing half my retirement savings, will pay max child support, etc. because he earns $0. He had a job early in our marriage but quit to try and fulfill his dream of starting businesses that he thought he could sell for “a million dollars” (his words). He had promise with this early on but never made it - meanwhile we had two kids and 10 years later he refuses to get a job even though he hasn’t made any money in many years. On top of that he secretly racked up credit card debt and has court cases against him to collect. I gave him enough time to get his stuff together. I’m done. I feel sad for the kids though, which is why I stayed too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?

I’m confused by your confusion. They mask. All crappy partners “mask.” Alcoholics, addicts, rage-aholics, sex addicts, and perennial losers. They keep it together for as long as they need to and once they feel comfortable, the real them comes out.

[Anonymous]

There were some slim years after my DH went back to school, then was underemployed and worked for start ups, for peanuts. I was bringing in 90% of our income for about 4 years. He finally wised up and got his foot in the door in a FAANG and has been working his way up the ladder the last 7 years. He finally launched, but it wasn't a smooth trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to me, DH is a GS14.

A GS-14 is not a “failure to launch” person.

Geez some of you…

Yeah I don't think this is what OP means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Got fired 4 years in a row and finally used his veteran status to get a GS-14 position and can never quit that job, because he will never be capable of keeping a job and the fed is the only employer that tolerates people like him bc they have to. I am filing for divorce now that he has stable employment. The kids will never get any money from him bc he can't manage his finances and ran up $50k in consumer debt that he will spend the rest of his life paying off.

Do you live in a community property state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?

I’m confused by your confusion. They mask. All crappy partners “mask.” Alcoholics, addicts, rage-aholics, sex addicts, and perennial losers. They keep it together for as long as they need to and once they feel comfortable, the real them comes out.

No one can “mask” being a loser. That would require high sociopathic intelligence and willful deception. If he’s a failure to launch bum, he is almost certainly not that smart or sophisticated.

The whole thing about failure to launch is it is immediately visible, ie. still living in mom’s basement, holding down menial jobs etc. (NOT being a GS 14, wth?)

[Anonymous]

Pathologizing someone’s inability to “thrive” in today’s corporate culture is the wrong approach.

[Anonymous]

There are so many ways this can happen.

With hindsight l realized my ex husband’s family knew he was challenged and gave him a lot of extra help. Then most but not all of this responsibility was transferred to me. Not something l knowingly signed up for. I loved him a lot for many years, but eventually that wasn’t enough. I resented being the only functioning adult and it wore me down.