Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re blowing this out of proportion. Of course they like you. As you said yourself they have similar personalities.

Blowing this out of proportion? You have to be kidding? This is awful. My own mom is kind of a nightmare but she’d never do this.

So sorry op. I can’t imagine how hurt you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.

Your mother is awful and created the mess that is your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and my parents (in particular my mother) have done several gatherings/celebrations and trips together without telling me and lying about it afterwards. My family (including my children) have never been invited. These include celebrating Thanksgiving, Easter, Mothers Day and going on vacations. They often get caught because my sister will post on social media.

It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.

I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.

This isn’t the OP’s situation. No one is lying to her.

Sounds like to me to brother isn’t being forthcoming or honest = lying (either outright or by omission).

Maybe?

It seems pretty usual for two siblings to have different relationships with their parent(s), as well as different travel and lifestyle preferences. We don’t really know what’s at play here.

\

Agreed we don't know what's going on, but OP said she's believed for ONE YEAR she was invited on this trip, so something isn't adding up. Perhaps the brother is lying. Only way to find out is to ask. We cannot assume he is or isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was because we started planning a trip for all 3 of us right before the pandemic, and then we had to kick it down the road. At some point, they must have decided that it was a duo trip instead of a trio trip. I wish they had told me. Like many introverts, I am good at reading social cues. I did not see this rationale for the vagueness coming at all until my mom told me by bringing up the trip and saying that she hoped I didn't take this the wrong way but that they'd prefer that the trip just be them. I actually thought eh vagueness was probably that the trip wasn't a high priority for them, which is fine. I don't feel like the family scapegoat or abused or anything like that. I feel confused by the decision and hurt by the secrecy.

Wait, so you've been talking about this for over THREE YEARS and only now someone said you weren't going? GTFOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was because we started planning a trip for all 3 of us right before the pandemic, and then we had to kick it down the road. At some point, they must have decided that it was a duo trip instead of a trio trip. I wish they had told me. Like many introverts, I am good at reading social cues. I did not see this rationale for the vagueness coming at all until my mom told me by bringing up the trip and saying that she hoped I didn't take this the wrong way but that they'd prefer that the trip just be them. I actually thought eh vagueness was probably that the trip wasn't a high priority for them, which is fine. I don't feel like the family scapegoat or abused or anything like that. I feel confused by the decision and hurt by the secrecy.

Was that trip, 3 years ago, for your mom's 75th? Did that trip morph into this Dublin trip? Or did something change along the way? Or was Dublin the plan for 3 years and you only now just got cut out? There has to be more going on than you just suddenly being blindsided by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

I’m sorry this happened to you and I understand that you still want family. It had to suck. It sounds like they scapegoated you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

It's her mom's birthday trip. It would be like if they'd all 3 been talking about getting together for dinner soon, then suddenly because it's mom's birthday, OP isn't invited but told she can stop by for coffee for a few minutes, if she wants, and doesn't get the equivalent dinner alone with mom. It's really weird and pretty mean.

[Anonymous]

F that. Honestly your mom was a jerk for saying that. I would not go. Everyone saying to plan something separately with her? I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.

Sounds like you will have no problem being the sole caretaker of your mom once she’s old enough to need elder care. After all, she doesn’t want to be around the wet blanket.

+1. Team brother. You sound like a jerk, PP. And if I’m your brother, I’d expect you to handle all of Mum’s care as she ages since since she’s so much fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:F that. Honestly your mom was a jerk for saying that. I would not go. Everyone saying to plan something separately with her? I wouldn't.

+1. I would not be planning a separate celebration. Card and flowers from me to her residence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.

Your mother is awful and created the mess that is your family.

+1

What kind of mother says this type of thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

Is this OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

Is this OP?

OP said on the last page that post was NOT OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I would feel so hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was because we started planning a trip for all 3 of us right before the pandemic, and then we had to kick it down the road. At some point, they must have decided that it was a duo trip instead of a trio trip. I wish they had told me. Like many introverts, I am good at reading social cues. I did not see this rationale for the vagueness coming at all until my mom told me by bringing up the trip and saying that she hoped I didn't take this the wrong way but that they'd prefer that the trip just be them. I actually thought eh vagueness was probably that the trip wasn't a high priority for them, which is fine. I don't feel like the family scapegoat or abused or anything like that. I feel confused by the decision and hurt by the secrecy.

Was that trip, 3 years ago, for your mom's 75th? Did that trip morph into this Dublin trip? Or did something change along the way? Or was Dublin the plan for 3 years and you only now just got cut out? There has to be more going on than you just suddenly being blindsided by this.

OP here. It morphed. We really picked this topic back up about a year ago. Looking back, I think that maybe I've just been oblivious over the past year, not understanding totally why they were so vague. Regardless, I think they could have communicated better with me. I'm now mainly just sad and feel not welcome. I don't think the trip is salvageable for me -- I would not want to fly over and hang on to them for a few days. Seems kind of pathetic.