Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

It isn't trolling to ask a reasonable question. When someone tells you that someone else does nothing but hurt them, it is reasonable to ask why they don't stop being involved with that person. I am NC with my mother because of her treatment of me, so I know how hard it is to accept that my parent is a trash human and accept that I will never know what it is like to have a mother who actually loves me. I may be mentally healthier and even happier without her in my life, but it still hurts. If you actually care about winning, stop playing that game and start playing a better one.

[Anonymous]

Get out of the trip but after calling them out publically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and my parents (in particular my mother) have done several gatherings/celebrations and trips together without telling me and lying about it afterwards. My family (including my children) have never been invited. These include celebrating Thanksgiving, Easter, Mothers Day and going on vacations. They often get caught because my sister will post on social media.

It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.

I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.

This isn’t the OP’s situation. No one is lying to her.

Sounds like to me to brother isn’t being forthcoming or honest = lying (either outright or by omission).

Maybe?

It seems pretty usual for two siblings to have different relationships with their parent(s), as well as different travel and lifestyle preferences. We don’t really know what’s at play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out of the trip but after calling them out publically.

Pointless. No one else cares about this.

[Anonymous]

I love my family but anytime they bring up traveling together I have to make an excuse. One sibling is too high maintenance (do you have non-dairy creamer that isn't a nut milk? Asked in some rustic middle of nowhere Cafe or trying to explain gluten free in another language), mom is always asking to tag along but will complain about beds, cultural differences, temperature, cleanliness... I don't understand why complainers even want to leave their known homes. Dad wants to get everything done before anything even opens and yet another sibling is perpetually running later. I'm sure my kids will not want to travel with me when they are old enough to stay behind. They already dislike most of the things I enjoy on vacations and say what I consider a laid back itinerary is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is very reasonable to be quite hurt by this. But there could be a lot of very reasonable explanations that don’t involve them “not liking you.”

Here are a few:
1) is your mom actually closer to you? Sometimes it’s harder for Mom’s and grown sons to stay connected and they view this as way to build their relationship.
2) maybe years ago on a shared, larger vacation they got to laughing and bonding over their “ideal” vacation which is go, go, go and they start talking about how it would be so fun for just the two of them to take just that type of vacation together.
3) they have some kind of shared and unique connection to something about this trip (following the path of some book they both loved, etc.
4) your brother feels guilty about something and wants to gift your mom a nice trip. Having a 3rd person along makes that hard.
5) your brother has a dear friend whose mom recently died. This friend had an amazing one-on-one trip with his mom that he’s so grateful that he took with her. Or he says that they talked about doing it for years and never made it happen and now he feels badly about it.
6) you took a trip years and years ago with just your mom and your brother has always wanted to do the same.

I’n sure other can come up with other perfectly reasonable reasons. And I think it’s totally okay to ask your brother about it (not in a “how dare you not invite me” way).

Let us know if you talk to him and how this gets resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned you’re an introvert. I’m wondering if they have plans to go see and do a LOT of things and know that you will not want to. Maybe they think you coming along throws a link in plans as you are all different speeds.

I think you are unclear on what an introvert is (as are later posters, such as the one who thinks reading by the pool is a high-energy extravert behavior).

I'm an introvert, and I like to pack my vacations with tons of activities. Spending all day in a museum and then going to a play at night is my idea of a good time. What I don't like is mingling. So if OP's mother and brother are planning to spend every night in a pub and all day recovering from their hangovers, yeah, this is probably not a good fit. But if they're planning to sightsee all day and then spend the evening in a pub, that's an easy compromise. OP goes back to the hotel to read and chill, mom and bro get their fiddle on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

OP, this post is very different from your original post, in which you were surprised by their actions & said you thought you were close with your brother & thought that they liked you.

Now you say you have been a lifelong victim of abuse & neglect.

Maybe you have been doing better with them lately & this opened up old wounds. If you are not in therapy currently, might be worth going again to help with the feelings you are having. And go easy on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I thought that post was a PP and not OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.

OP, this post is very different from your original post, in which you were surprised by their actions & said you thought you were close with your brother & thought that they liked you.

Now you say you have been a lifelong victim of abuse & neglect.

Maybe you have been doing better with them lately & this opened up old wounds. If you are not in therapy currently, might be worth going again to help with the feelings you are having. And go easy on yourself.

This is OP. I did not write that post about abuse. That is a different poster.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I wanted to thank people for writing in with thoughts and advice. Really helpful to see these different perspectives. I really value my relationship with my mom and brother, so even if it turns out to be more one-sided than I had realized, I won't do anything to hurt them. It just really stings right now, and these posts help. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re blowing this out of proportion. Of course they like you. As you said yourself they have similar personalities.

This.

Let them have their trip. Don't spiral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your brother is giving your mom a gift. I'm not sure how you came to the understanding that you were part of that? Just like if someone treated someone to dinner I would not expect that to be a group thing? And I don't think it is personal, necessarily. And when they were vague, another clue. Is this intrinsic to your family or do you often have trouble reading social situations and cues? It always sucks to not be included, I get that. But how did this go on for months? I was a family scapegoat so I am not dismissing your feelings but this was not about you and now you feel hurt and embarrassed. Have you ever travelled one on one with your mom? The 3 of you? When was the last time you saw her? Do you see your brother one on one? Last time?

I would not go, I don't think it will go well or resolve your feelings. Plan another trip with your mom or send a card. Plan something nice with your own family or friends who DO include you. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was because we started planning a trip for all 3 of us right before the pandemic, and then we had to kick it down the road. At some point, they must have decided that it was a duo trip instead of a trio trip. I wish they had told me. Like many introverts, I am good at reading social cues. I did not see this rationale for the vagueness coming at all until my mom told me by bringing up the trip and saying that she hoped I didn't take this the wrong way but that they'd prefer that the trip just be them. I actually thought eh vagueness was probably that the trip wasn't a high priority for them, which is fine. I don't feel like the family scapegoat or abused or anything like that. I feel confused by the decision and hurt by the secrecy.