Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the hurt feelings, OP. Certainly in the moment.

But stepping back, it's possible you're reading too much into this. There are a quite a few people who I like, or love, that I really don't want to travel with. I know them well, and we have very different ideas of what is a fun vacation. I would never go on vacation like this with my own sister - we would, starting at the time we wake up, want to do completely different things all day. I'm thrilled to visit her and hang out, for multiple days, but spending $$$ to flu to Ireland, for what sounds like a once in a lifetime trip - I want to spend it how I want to, and she's entitled to that too.

So it's entirely possible that they love and like you, but have very different travel expectations and preferences, and realize that you aren't good travel companions for his trip. It sounds like you implicitly recognize that is true as well. Some trips are about spending the time with your companions, while others, the focus is on the place you're visiting. Sounds like this is the later.

Just a possibility to consider.

This is a very sensible post and a very reasonable possibility.

OP, I would be hurt too. I would try to step back from the situation, feel all the feelings involved, and then see where things stand.

[Anonymous]

I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.

And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.

+1

+2

They sound terribly rude, insular, exclusionary, insecure and immature, OP. MIL and SIL are like this - it makes them feel better to exclude. It seems they are stunted, have few social skills, and stuck in high school. Not your problem, not your people. This isn't about you - this is about them - they are rude. They are not special OP, they are just mean. Just a guess on their part - do they not have many friends? They seem codependent/enmeshed. Ew. Be glad you are not them, seriously. You need to create your own family - find kind, inclusive, warm people. Not this nonsense.

Lots of projecting in this post. Yikes.

Maybe. Doesn't mean that it isn't true. The exclusion could very well be about them, and not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone needs to be invited to everything

That is different than what OP is experiencing. If you are not an only child, you know this. If you think you are an only child, and you are not, then you need to reassess. OP's parent and sibling are being hurtful to OP, or OP would not have written the post.

Have a heart, and learn empathy.

[Anonymous]

I would have immediately called my brother to ask WTF is going on.

[Anonymous]

Your mom and brother are rude twats. Take yourself on a vacation to somewhere much better that you know they want to visit. Ireland is overrated. Bad food, no real beaches, people puking in alleys. Whoop dee fricking doo.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. You absolutely have a right to feel hurt. Your brother should have said something to you by now about wanting to take your mom on a trip with just the two of them. That is fine and perfectly acceptable. What is not acceptable is to not address it with you early on and somehow let you think you were included.

I’d definitely call brother and say that your mom shared that you wanted a special trip with just them. You are disappointed, but it’s about mom, so enjoy and you’ll celebrate with her on your own.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go. Take some time away from both of them not because they did you dirty (50/50 chance, based on your posts), but because whether they did or didn't you need to get through your emotions before you talk to them again. If they didn't ever invite you and you inserted yourself, it's not fair to wail about it and make mom sad. If they are being intentionally hurtful and exclusionary, they don't deserve to see you cry.

Plan a trip for yourself somewhere else around that time. Don't fly to Europe for just a couple of days. Send a bottle of champagne to the hotel on your mom's birthday. Keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

It's not about the mom and brother going on a trip alone.

It's about the mom and sister not having anything similar or alternarive also, and the massive imbalance that creates.

It suggests that the mom and brother have a much closer relationship than mom and daughter do. That's fine some families, but it hurts if OP didn't know that.

I'm guessing that the brother iis mom's replacement husband, and mom isn't maintaining a strong relationship with her daughter.

My question would be how surprising is this. Ignoring the vacation, how close is OP with Mom? Do you travel to visit each other? Do you have meaningful conversations with your lives and concerns, or only polite small talk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and my parents (in particular my mother) have done several gatherings/celebrations and trips together without telling me and lying about it afterwards. My family (including my children) have never been invited. These include celebrating Thanksgiving, Easter, Mothers Day and going on vacations. They often get caught because my sister will post on social media.

It is unbelievable hurtful, especially to my children. My children are not wildly misbehaved and are just regular kids with a good sense of humor and fun to be around/happy go lucky. My DH gets along fine with everyone. We can find zero reason why they sneak around and I have confronted them several times and their excuse is well we didn’t think you wanted to come or there wasn’t room. My children, who are now teens, have hardly any relationship with my mother or my sister and her kids and don’t really care to at this point as they are teens.

I have given up trying to understand why they do this. I think my sister instigates a lot of it and my mother is happy to go along with the secrecy and the lying. I am sorry this happened to you OP. I would just straight out ask your brother what’s going on so you have the truth out there and then move forward.

This isn’t the OP’s situation. No one is lying to her.

Sounds like to me to brother isn’t being forthcoming or honest = lying (either outright or by omission).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

Large family trips are a logistical nightmare. We’ve never had one where every last person could make. Sometimes my family has been unable, sometimes other siblings. If you haven’t actually taken the reins and tried planning one of these, you might not realize what a huge hassle this is. Getting people to agree on dates is only the first pain in a$$ hurdle.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the issue may be what you've touched on, they are more outward-going and want to go an experience things on vacation. You are more of an introvert and want to relax and chill on vacation.

My own sister is like this and frankly, it makes vacationing together difficult. We want to go and do things and she wants to hang out in a hotel, at the pool or go somewhere quiet. For the rest of the family, we feel like we just spent thousands of dollars to do something we could have done at any hotel back in the states for 1/10 the cost of what we spent. We don't want to go to Paris and sit in a little cafe and people watch. But when we talk about taking hikes or sight-seeing or visiting attractions, she'll want to do a little and then get a break. So, wants little trips for short periods and then go back to the hotel. We want to go out and spend a day and she nixes these things. Frankly, I could understand this situation as I now limit the times when I travel with my sister as it isn't worth the money.

If you vacation differently, as your OP suggests, then they may want to have a more active vacation with more activity than you've previously been open to. If you want to join them, suggest that you'll all go together, but they can plan daily activities for themselves and you'll join when you are interested, but will occupy yourself when you aren't. If you give them the freedom to plan their activities including things that you may not be interested in, then they may be more open to you joining them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

Large family trips are a logistical nightmare. We’ve never had one where every last person could make. Sometimes my family has been unable, sometimes other siblings. If you haven’t actually taken the reins and tried planning one of these, you might not realize what a huge hassle this is. Getting people to agree on dates is only the first pain in a$$ hurdle.

Come on. This is 3 adults. Don't be ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.

I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?

Large family trips are a logistical nightmare. We’ve never had one where every last person could make. Sometimes my family has been unable, sometimes other siblings. If you haven’t actually taken the reins and tried planning one of these, you might not realize what a huge hassle this is. Getting people to agree on dates is only the first pain in a$$ hurdle.

Come on. This is 3 adults. Don't be ridiculous.

But it's 3 adults where two have similar travel expectations and desires and one has different preferences and wants. This type of situation has all of the same issues as a large family vacation. The problem with large families is trying to balance what everyone wants. Some want to do things together, some want to do things separately. Some want more active, some want more relaxed. And so on. OP is potentially introducing this issue into a small group.