Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're taking mom's words as gospel.

She could be expressing what she thinks brother wants, but she doesnt actually know and id guessing.

She could be expressing what SHE wants and throwing brother under the bus, claiming it's what he wants too when that may not be the case.

She simply could have misunderstood, misheard or misinterpreted something between her and brother.

So, OP, you need to speak up to brother, not rehash this with mom. I get that you're an introvert but your statement about their being cool sounds as if you're almost a bit intimidated by their coolness. Tell your brother what mom said, simply and accurately, then say that you were taken aback because you had thought all three of you would go, and add, did I misunderstand? Are plans already under way?

You could all three go but then each of you has day trips while there with just mom. One day you go see some site you want to see while they go do some mom-son thing. Then brother has a day solo sightseeing while you and mom have mom-daughter time. This is so easily done, but only if you speak up now and make the suggestion.

The fact that you've leapt right to feeeling crushed and assuming mom's statement is a done deal and perfect reflection of actual plans they've made -- that's pretty telling, OP. Do they have a past record of excluding you? All the more reason to ASK brother why your understanding of the trip is different from what your mom said. Please update us!

OP knows her family and that's why she drew the conclusions she drew. I don't think she made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to just play like I was fine with that idea. It’ll be fun to join you for a couple of days!

No need to perform for them. And only join them if that's what you want, given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

So they want you to incur an expensive flight to join them for a couple of days? Sorry, your mother sucks. I would tell her directly that the exclusion has hurt you and you wished they had been more upfront about their exclusive plans over the last year, allowing you to think you were part of the plan. And I'd conveniently forget her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Op just to clarify - were you thinking it was just the three of you? Or is your brothers family coming to? Adding your family into the mix could be complicated

[Anonymous]

Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op just to clarify - were you thinking it was just the three of you? Or is your brothers family coming to? Adding your family into the mix could be complicated

No it was without families. Just mom, brother, and me. I am actually thinking now that I may have been inserting myself for a long time, and that’s why they’ve been kind of vague about it.

I really wouldn’t say anything to hurt my mom. She is old, and I wouldn’t want her last years to be weighed down by this.

I really can’t see myself going though. It’s hard to see past my hurt right now, but I’d welcome tips for how to get through the next week or so gracefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op just to clarify - were you thinking it was just the three of you? Or is your brothers family coming to? Adding your family into the mix could be complicated

No it was without families. Just mom, brother, and me. I am actually thinking now that I may have been inserting myself for a long time, and that’s why they’ve been kind of vague about it.

I really wouldn’t say anything to hurt my mom. She is old, and I wouldn’t want her last years to be weighed down by this.

I really can’t see myself going though. It’s hard to see past my hurt right now, but I’d welcome tips for how to get through the next week or so gracefully.

Why do you have to get through it gracefully? They suck. If it makes them uncomfortable that you think they suck, that's not really your concern. If they don't want you to think they suck, then maybe they should stop sucking.

[Anonymous]

Eh, let them go alone. Don’t be embarrassed that you inserted yourself - you were being a kind daughter & offering to go. If they want a mother son extrovert party time, let them!

Figure out what you want. Does it sound fun to join them for a few days? Then go!

[Anonymous]

It sounds humiliating to be honest. I’ll let them go and have fun of course. I don’t wish them a bad time. But I am too hurt to enjoy their company if I try to join.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think they don’t like you. I think they just wanted to have a nice trip together. Haven’t you ever wanted to do something just one on one with someone? Does it mean you don’t like everyone else? Have you thought about asking your mom if she wants to do a one on one trip with you somewhere else at a later time? That would be a great memory for you both. I’d skip this trip entirely instead of joining for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Ouch that hurts, but I'd back out and just point out that the expense of airfare and length of flight doesn't really work for you for just a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ouch that hurts, but I'd back out and just point out that the expense of airfare and length of flight doesn't really work for you for just a few days.

This. Unless they pay for your ticket. Then I would go, and then take yourself on a fabulous vacation before or after.

This would totally happen to me in my family - my entire family, two siblings and their kids and my parents - have celebrated Easter and Father’s Day etc on away vacations without me. I know they don’t like me though. Or at least my siblings don’t and my parents let the, exclude me. I a, just one person so it was pretty damn hurtful.

It seems like you feel they like you. That’s what makes this weird.

Sometimes people can like people but not ant to travel with them. Maybe that’s what’s going on here.

I dunno.

I also don’t get why they didn’t tell you this earlier. Why they let you go months thinking you were included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.

And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.

+1

[Anonymous]

You mentioned you’re an introvert. I’m wondering if they have plans to go see and do a LOT of things and know that you will not want to. Maybe they think you coming along throws a link in plans as you are all different speeds.