Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone

[Anonymous]

Mom and brother and I had been talking for an year or so about a trip to Ireland to celebrate my mom’s 75th. Today I brought it up with my mom, asking if she’s still into going.

She sheepishly admitted that brother had kind of wanted it to be alone time with just them. But I can come along for a couple of days.

I am absolutely gutted. I thought my brother and I were close. They are very similar personality types—very cool and hip people. Im more of an introvert. But I thought they liked me.

I tried to just play like I was fine with that idea. It’ll be fun to join you for a couple of days!

But I am crushed. Feeling unloved and like I don’t really know who these people are.

[Anonymous]

That’s weird of them. Are either you or brother married? Do either of you have kids? How did this idea come about? Were they planning it and you injected yourself into it?

[Anonymous]

Unless you're a toxic person, I really don't understand the rationale behind their plan to exclude you, OP. If you're an introvert, you can have an early night in the hotel while they go out until late. If they want to do something adventurous during the day and you're not feeling it, you can meet up later. Or if they want to try new cuisine, well, maybe order something you can tolerate while they eat the weird stuff.

I feel there's something missing here. Or they're just jerks.

[Anonymous]

OP. We’re both married with kids. Mom is widowed for 20 years. I am starting to wonder if they were planning it just them all along. You’re right, maybe I did interject myself. I assumed I was part of it. That almost makes it worse. Like I’ve just been embarrassing myself for a year while they tried to extricate themselves from this. I really did think we were close. No sign of problems. We are very different people. I’m happy with dinner and a nice book. They’re far more extroverted.

It’s so painful to take in that they just don’t want me around.

[Anonymous]

You’re blowing this out of proportion. Of course they like you. As you said yourself they have similar personalities.

[Anonymous]

Has your mom in other ways made your brother her "partner"? Would his wife be surprised by this turn of events?

[Anonymous]

Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Me again. Just want to add that it seems really thoughtless and mean to leave you out in this way. I would be very hurt.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t you posted about this before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.

And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Me again. Just want to add that it seems really thoughtless and mean to leave you out in this way. I would be very hurt.

Thank you. I actually just started crying reading that. I think I’m too hurt right now to talk to them about this. It’s so out of the blue for me and I’m feeling things too deeply right now to have a productive discussion with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your mom in other ways made your brother her "partner"? Would his wife be surprised by this turn of events?

They sound enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t you posted about this before?

No just happened today. But now I’m curious to know if others have this issue too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.

Me again. Just want to add that it seems really thoughtless and mean to leave you out in this way. I would be very hurt.

Thank you. I actually just started crying reading that. I think I’m too hurt right now to talk to them about this. It’s so out of the blue for me and I’m feeling things too deeply right now to have a productive discussion with them.

Yeah, well, don't cry in front of them. They seem like the type who think less of people who get emotional. Talk to them when you're collected and calm.

[Anonymous]

You're taking mom's words as gospel.

She could be expressing what she thinks brother wants, but she doesnt actually know and id guessing.

She could be expressing what SHE wants and throwing brother under the bus, claiming it's what he wants too when that may not be the case.

She simply could have misunderstood, misheard or misinterpreted something between her and brother.

So, OP, you need to speak up to brother, not rehash this with mom. I get that you're an introvert but your statement about their being cool sounds as if you're almost a bit intimidated by their coolness. Tell your brother what mom said, simply and accurately, then say that you were taken aback because you had thought all three of you would go, and add, did I misunderstand? Are plans already under way?

You could all three go but then each of you has day trips while there with just mom. One day you go see some site you want to see while they go do some mom-son thing. Then brother has a day solo sightseeing while you and mom have mom-daughter time. This is so easily done, but only if you speak up now and make the suggestion.

The fact that you've leapt right to feeeling crushed and assuming mom's statement is a done deal and perfect reflection of actual plans they've made -- that's pretty telling, OP. Do they have a past record of excluding you? All the more reason to ASK brother why your understanding of the trip is different from what your mom said. Please update us!