How to convey to ILs that Thanksgiving will be scaled-back this year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

Ah. A Perpetual Guest weighs in on major holiday hosting.

You're not much better, buddy. A) maybe the apartment dweller is poor. Be generous. and B) if you don't like to host a Perpetual Guest, then graciously don't. And keep your opinions to yourself. It is THANKSGIVING after all. At least try to be a decent person one day a year.

PP as a guest who never hosts needs to pass on by threads they are not qualified to participate in. You don’t see me in Big Law threads or threads about military spouses. Stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guest you don't get to insist on anything. Just order some sides from a restaurant, replate them, and say nothing. When the first person complains you can just say "We host Thanksgiving every year. It's a ton of work, and perhaps instead of complaining about what you don't see on the table, we can all focus on what we are THANKFUL for. I for one, am thankful my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut. Nancy, what are YOU thankful for this year?"

Shut that shit down immediately.

Lol. Hosts seem to get no respect. It’s pretty common for the ‘guests’ to bring along ridiculous expectations. My favorites are the ones who demand everything to be the way they remember 50+ years ago and then get angry when other guests are eating the more modern dishes. It’s not enough to cater to their palettes they want you to not cater to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

So you won't host, won't make a dish to share, you will ONLY be the pampered guest. Got it.

I bring a hostess gift.

There comes a point where you’ve been on the receiving end of hospitality that a hostess gift doesn’t cut it anymore.

+1

If you live in a shoebox, then invite people for drinks and appetizers, or host a meal at a restaurant (on you of course).

It's rude never to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Catering! Have your guests drive around and pick stuff up at the cheese shop, the pie store, rolls at the bakery, etc.

I hosted Thanksgiving a week after my 2nd child was born and everything was catered. I think my father in law might have made mash potatoes because he is adamant they are made a certain way - but that’s it!

That was 7 years ago and we have catered every Thanksgiving and Easter since. It’s glorious not to spend a week shopping and preparing. Last year we did Thanksgiving from Ruthie’s All Day in Arlington and every one of the sides was better than anything I can make on my own. The French fried onions and the mushroom soup on the green bean casserole were both obviously made from scratch. Never again will I slave all day in the kitchen!

[Anonymous]

Here are my suggestions-

-Create the pared down menu and just have DH tell them. If someone is missing a "must have" they are welcome to provide it by either cooking /buying (personally, this one would be hard for me).

-Cater as many of the sides as you want.

-Involve everyone - create a google form and have everyone vote on x number of veggies, carbs, etc. Winning dishes are prepared.

[Anonymous]

create a google form and have everyone vote on x number of veggies, carbs, etc. Winning dishes are prepared.

Good lord. It's thanksgiving. We all bring food. We all eat food. It's that simple.

I'm not filing paperwork or casting ballots in a green bean casserole election.

[Anonymous]

I’d have DH send out menu but leave out the explanation of work commitments. Don’t color this as an excuse to par down this year - see it instead as an opportunity to make a permanent switch to a more manageable event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

So you won't host, won't make a dish to share, you will ONLY be the pampered guest. Got it.

Ha Im thinking the same thing.

Pp you are an odd celebrator.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all, we’re all set! DH sent out an email stating our menu and saying anyone is welcome to bring anything else.

SIL called to ask what was up and he told her we’re extra busy this year. She said “why don’t you buy macaroni and cheese and extra sides from Wegmans” and he said why don’t YOU, want me to send a link? Everyone else just said OK thanks, can’t wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice. Just tell them you’re extra busy this year and would still love to host Thanksgiving but will need some extra help from them. That’s it.

How do you manage to hold down a job?

People from somewhat functional families don't always understand how bad dysfunction can get. The fact OP needs to start a post and is afraid of the repercussions tells me the ILs are likely dysfunctional and difficult. Emotionally mature people can adapt to change and be empathetic. If the inlaws were this way, OP would not be posting.

Speaking of emotional maturity, you may want to read up on it. Insulting OP and having no empathy are signs it may be a struggle for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all, we’re all set! DH sent out an email stating our menu and saying anyone is welcome to bring anything else.

SIL called to ask what was up and he told her we’re extra busy this year. She said “why don’t you buy macaroni and cheese and extra sides from Wegmans” and he said why don’t YOU, want me to send a link? Everyone else just said OK thanks, can’t wait.

OH I just posted before reading this. Good news! Glad it went well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all, we’re all set! DH sent out an email stating our menu and saying anyone is welcome to bring anything else.

SIL called to ask what was up and he told her we’re extra busy this year. She said “why don’t you buy macaroni and cheese and extra sides from Wegmans” and he said why don’t YOU, want me to send a link? Everyone else just said OK thanks, can’t wait.

I laughed out loud at that one.

I’m glad it worked out and it’s less stress off of your plate.

[Anonymous]

As long as you are providing a turkey and a few sides, I don't think you have to announce or preview anything. If anyone on the day of has the NERVE to be like "where is my mac n cheeeeeeeese?" you can just cheerfully say, "Oh, we were so busy this year that we didn't have time to make it, but hopefully there are some other things here that you like!" That should end the discussion, but if it doesn't, they are the ones being rude and you have nothing to feel bad for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

So you won't host, won't make a dish to share, you will ONLY be the pampered guest. Got it.

I bring a hostess gift.

There comes a point where you’ve been on the receiving end of hospitality that a hostess gift doesn’t cut it anymore.

+1

If you live in a shoebox, then invite people for drinks and appetizers, or host a meal at a restaurant (on you of course).

It's rude never to reciprocate.

Right! Why can't apartment dweller show up with cocktails? Or a great appetizer? Or a store bought dish (depending on what it is) or wine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your idea is fine. Just add that you need to scale back because of extra work commitments, so that everyone understands YOU won't be providing anything else. Otherwise they might assume you just forgot about the Mac and cheese and next thing you know you'll be getting responses asking you to add things to the menu.

Agree. Make it clear the menu is all you can handle and others are welcome to bring dishes. Maybe offer up fridge space if folks are staying in a hotel. But my guess is folks will be fine with the scaled back version.