How to convey to ILs that Thanksgiving will be scaled-back this year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guest you don't get to insist on anything. Just order some sides from a restaurant, replate them, and say nothing. When the first person complains you can just say "We host Thanksgiving every year. It's a ton of work, and perhaps instead of complaining about what you don't see on the table, we can all focus on what we are THANKFUL for. I for one, am thankful my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut. Nancy, what are YOU thankful for this year?"

Shut that shit down immediately.

OP here and while that’s a bit much, my MIL’s name is actually Nancy

Total coincidence! My point stands, though of course you should phrase it however works best for you. I definitely think you should NOT send out the menu ahead of time - that invites and encourages criticism and complaints.

[Anonymous]

I like your idea OP. I know if it were my kid that looked forward to that mac and cheese, I would be grateful to know that it's not on the menu this year, so I could make it or buy it. Since most of your in-laws are staying at your house, you should allow them to use your kitchen to prepare dishes rather than bringing them in coolers. You might offer to have them send a list of groceries so that you can put in the delivery order the day before and have everything available for them. I think that's reasonable. For the ones staying in a hotel, maybe you could buy a prepared or frozen version of that food to try instead of making it from scratch.

[Anonymous]

OP, you 100% have permission to dial back and not feel guilty at all.

I like the idea of sending out the menu. We also usually host and have family come in from out of town. And I ask people staying at our house to help with certain dishes. At least in my family, people are happy to help. I basically send a menu out with what DH, the kids and I feel like we want to make and have time to. And I’ve said something like, “We are all set with main dishes - but could probably use 2 more sides and one more dessert. Let me know if anyone wants to make anything else - otherwise, I’ll get some mashed potatoes, green beans and an apple pie from our local grocery store.”

[Anonymous]

Hi side of the family? Have him tell them. They are welcome to bring mac and cheese, etc, but explain why you won't be making it. If they are decent stable humans they will totally understand and offer to even help. If they are dysfunctional and dramatic, figure out your boundaries and state them firmly.

[Anonymous]

+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi side of the family? Have him tell them. They are welcome to bring mac and cheese, etc, but explain why you won't be making it. If they are decent stable humans they will totally understand and offer to even help. If they are dysfunctional and dramatic, figure out your boundaries and state them firmly.

Yes, the original post says “DH tells them” as the draft plan.

[Anonymous]

Husband conveys this info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PP. I suppose I’m nervous because they have a lot of extraneous “musts” that don’t cover everyone. FIL insists on rutabagas, creamed onions, and green bean casserole. SIL complains if there is no green salad, in addition to a plain green vegetable like asparagus. MIL is used to corn pudding in addition to dressing, etc. It will be more than enough food, but not everyone will get what they are used to.

(Yes, I know there’s no “insist.”)

Then you tell them to bring those items. Not hard.

[Anonymous]

Some of the dishes can be purchased and brought. Many of the local food chains have options.

[Anonymous]

Take out. In DC many places will prepare a meal and you just need to reheat

[Anonymous]

I would also take a hard look at the menu. Asparagus instead of carrots, for example? You are totally within your right to host thanksgiving the way you want to (and what you can handle) but nothing sounds too over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband needs to tell everyone that you are very busy this year, and the kids have a ton of activities, and that you are both considering NOT HOSTING. Too bad, so sad.

Then you two sit back and wait for the chorus of "Oh, no, what are we going to do?!". Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And then your husband can "allow himself to be persuaded" to host anyway, with a significantly reduced menu, that the guests will accept because the alternative is NOT TO HAVE THANKSGIVING AT YOUR HOUSE.



Psychology.

[Anonymous]

We stopped cooking. We order dinner from Cracker Barrel, Popeye's etc. and supplement with some favorites. For Christmas, we order Chinese.

Our lives, particularly mine, are 1,000% better. I caught flack the first year - cause, you know, dinner is 'my responsibility'. But, my SIL (DH's) sister is now doing the same thing. If the point is to be together, this is perfect. We don't exhaust ourselves cooking/cleaning up. If people are doing it for the food, they can go to a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

Who said you had to cook? Did you know you can buy pies, wine, mashed potatoes, gravy, hell the whole turkey? You can buy stuffing, salad, corn…

I can’t imagine expecting to contribute nothing to a holiday meal.