How to convey to ILs that Thanksgiving will be scaled-back this year

[Anonymous]

DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

[Anonymous]

Use your voice. Just tell them you’re extra busy this year and would still love to host Thanksgiving but will need some extra help from them. That’s it.

How do you manage to hold down a job?

[Anonymous]

You overthinking this WAY too much. They’re guests in your home and should be happy with whatever you serve. Just do as PP suggested and send the menu out. You could include a Google doc or link to a Sign Up Genius for other foods.

Done.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PP. I suppose I’m nervous because they have a lot of extraneous “musts” that don’t cover everyone. FIL insists on rutabagas, creamed onions, and green bean casserole. SIL complains if there is no green salad, in addition to a plain green vegetable like asparagus. MIL is used to corn pudding in addition to dressing, etc. It will be more than enough food, but not everyone will get what they are used to.

(Yes, I know there’s no “insist.”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice. Just tell them you’re extra busy this year and would still love to host Thanksgiving but will need some extra help from them. That’s it.

How do you manage to hold down a job?

You are rude. How do you manage to maintain any relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice. Just tell them you’re extra busy this year and would still love to host Thanksgiving but will need some extra help from them. That’s it.

How do you manage to hold down a job?

You are rude. How do you manage to maintain any relationships?

By being honest and direct with people and not being a weenie.

[Anonymous]

As a guest you don't get to insist on anything. Just order some sides from a restaurant, replate them, and say nothing. When the first person complains you can just say "We host Thanksgiving every year. It's a ton of work, and perhaps instead of complaining about what you don't see on the table, we can all focus on what we are THANKFUL for. I for one, am thankful my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut. Nancy, what are YOU thankful for this year?"

Shut that shit down immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guest you don't get to insist on anything. Just order some sides from a restaurant, replate them, and say nothing. When the first person complains you can just say "We host Thanksgiving every year. It's a ton of work, and perhaps instead of complaining about what you don't see on the table, we can all focus on what we are THANKFUL for. I for one, am thankful my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut. Nancy, what are YOU thankful for this year?"

Shut that shit down immediately.

OP here and while that’s a bit much, my MIL’s name is actually Nancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guest you don't get to insist on anything. Just order some sides from a restaurant, replate them, and say nothing. When the first person complains you can just say "We host Thanksgiving every year. It's a ton of work, and perhaps instead of complaining about what you don't see on the table, we can all focus on what we are THANKFUL for. I for one, am thankful my mother taught me that if I have nothing nice to say, to keep my mouth shut. Nancy, what are YOU thankful for this year?"

Shut that shit down immediately.

OP here and while that’s a bit much, my MIL’s name is actually Nancy

That's pretty funny - Nancy is the perfect Boomer name like Linda or Diane.

Anyone driving should be able to handle bringing a casserole they assemble at home and can go right into the oven. They can bring the makings of a green salad and premade salad dressing. They can bring creamed onions, bread, drinks, pie and overall take some of the burden off the hosts who sound as though they have been kind and generous hosts over the years. Airline travellers have a harder time bringing much of anything, but that sounds like it's not an issue here.

[Anonymous]

Your idea is fine. Just add that you need to scale back because of extra work commitments, so that everyone understands YOU won't be providing anything else. Otherwise they might assume you just forgot about the Mac and cheese and next thing you know you'll be getting responses asking you to add things to the menu.

[Anonymous]

Please come back and tell us what you said and how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Tell them your menu and let them deal.

If money is no object, order sides from Whole Foods or somewhere else.

Ask for helpers on Wednesday to make certain things or desired things.

Discretely ask someone to bring Mac and cheese along with their usual pie or whatever.

Pick a favorite dish or two and make those instead of the usual 10 extras.

Or say nothing and they can deal.

[Anonymous]

I've actually done this, OP. And not just for "this year" but to reset expectations moving forward.

The Mac & cheese thing hit a nerve, because it had always been part of our menu since all the kids were little -- but the kids grew up. We don't need Mac & cheese anymore, because they eat everything else.

One year, I sent a menu that I was prepared to cook, minus the extraneous dishes that only on or two people seemed to care about. Creamed onions was actually on the no-longer list, in fact, despite the recipe having been in the family forever. No one really actually loved it or missed it.

Instead, a few people brought new things they'd been wanting to try, but never did because we always had so many dishes already. It really worked out great.

[Anonymous]

Corn pudding is great in a crock pot. Someone can make it at home and then just plug the crockpot in at your house!
Mac and cheese is also a great thing for someone to bring, as is a simple green salad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say tell them your menu and why you’re scaling back and invite them to bring a favorite dish if they would like. That was the “must have macaroni” relative has a chance to bring it if it’s that important for them to have.