How to convey to ILs that Thanksgiving will be scaled-back this year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice. Just tell them you’re extra busy this year and would still love to host Thanksgiving but will need some extra help from them. That’s it.

How do you manage to hold down a job?

So unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We're so excited to host Thanksgiving this year. We will both be extremely busy at work, so we're planning a slightly scaled down menu of X, Y, Z. Please feel free to bring additional sides/desserts to share if you don't see your favorite on the menu. Can't wait to see you!

This! I’d probably say “we will both be extremely busy with work commitments in November” or something similar… because a lot of people say “I’m so busy” they might just gloss over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

Ah. A Perpetual Guest weighs in on major holiday hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

I’m stuck in only one person likes macaroni and cheese.
WTF are you serving at Thanksgiving?

NP.
(In addition to crudités and appetizers)

Turkey/gravy
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Dressing
Roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and balsamic glaze
Steamed, seasoned green beans
Squash casserole
Homemade Parker House rolls

That’s a spread that doesn’t “need” a pedestrian macaroni dish that is seen on menus and tables frequently, and therefore isn’t special.

[Anonymous]

We host a traditional Thanksgiving. It never seemed like a lot of work to me.
Our house it usually clean and picked up. We have a guest room, so no one has to give up their beds most years.
Our grocery bill is larger, but with few exceptions, everything is made the night before or morning of the dinner. My ILs took the kids out that morning when they were younger. They also set the table together. Food prep is done that morning by me and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We're so excited to host Thanksgiving this year. We will both be extremely busy at work, so we're planning a slightly scaled down menu of X, Y, Z. Please feel free to bring additional sides/desserts to share if you don't see your favorite on the menu. Can't wait to see you!

Are they excited, though? It would be easiest to get people used to new traditions at other family member's houses. Rather than scaling down, why not pass the baton?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We host a traditional Thanksgiving. It never seemed like a lot of work to me.
Our house it usually clean and picked up. We have a guest room, so no one has to give up their beds most years.
Our grocery bill is larger, but with few exceptions, everything is made the night before or morning of the dinner. My ILs took the kids out that morning when they were younger. They also set the table together. Food prep is done that morning by me and DH.

What is the point of this? Do you have as much going at work as OP? If OP is stressed out, do you think it helps to hear you find it easy and have ILs who actually help and don't make demands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

I’m stuck in only one person likes macaroni and cheese.
WTF are you serving at Thanksgiving?

NP.
(In addition to crudités and appetizers)

Turkey/gravy
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Dressing
Roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and balsamic glaze
Steamed, seasoned green beans
Squash casserole
Homemade Parker House rolls

That’s a spread that doesn’t “need” a pedestrian macaroni dish that is seen on menus and tables frequently, and therefore isn’t special.

Snooze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PP. I suppose I’m nervous because they have a lot of extraneous “musts” that don’t cover everyone. FIL insists on rutabagas, creamed onions, and green bean casserole. SIL complains if there is no green salad, in addition to a plain green vegetable like asparagus. MIL is used to corn pudding in addition to dressing, etc. It will be more than enough food, but not everyone will get what they are used to.

(Yes, I know there’s no “insist.”)

Given it is a change from your usual of making everyone their preferred dish, I think it is a good idea to send out advance notice. Otherwise they are going to have expectations based on history that wont be met.

I would send an email saying due to your work commitments, your cooking time has been reduced and you won't be able to make all the dishes you typically do. I would list what you can make (sitck to the base dishes and not individual people's requests) and then tell them to order locally or bring any other dishes that they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

I’m stuck in only one person likes macaroni and cheese.
WTF are you serving at Thanksgiving?

NP.
(In addition to crudités and appetizers)

Turkey/gravy
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Dressing
Roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and balsamic glaze
Steamed, seasoned green beans
Squash casserole
Homemade Parker House rolls

That’s a spread that doesn’t “need” a pedestrian macaroni dish that is seen on menus and tables frequently, and therefore isn’t special.

That's a "spread"? And evidently a non-pedestrian spread? Aside from the sprouts with pancetta, it all seems pretty basic to me, and there's nothing wrong with basic, but why are you getting sniffy about mac & cheese when this looks like something you could recreate with Marie Callendar?

[Anonymous]

Op, your plan, with DH sending the message, is perfectly fine.
Focus on what you are making, not what you will not make, and invite people to bring anything else they would like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

I’m stuck in only one person likes macaroni and cheese.
WTF are you serving at Thanksgiving?

NP.
(In addition to crudités and appetizers)

Turkey/gravy
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Dressing
Roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and balsamic glaze
Steamed, seasoned green beans
Squash casserole
Homemade Parker House rolls

That’s a spread that doesn’t “need” a pedestrian macaroni dish that is seen on menus and tables frequently, and therefore isn’t special.

That's a "spread"? And evidently a non-pedestrian spread? Aside from the sprouts with pancetta, it all seems pretty basic to me, and there's nothing wrong with basic, but why are you getting sniffy about mac & cheese when this looks like something you could recreate with Marie Callendar?

If you’re the type who looks at a menu like that and thinks it needs another carb/rich dish, I honestly don’t know where or how you eat that much in one day. That is beyond a full plate. Not to mention dessert that will come later. I like mac and cheese but I agree it is not a Thanksgiving dish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I usually host Thanksgiving, as our house is somewhat of a central (drive-able) location for his parents, his sister and her family (husband and three kids), and his aunt, uncle and their teenage son. It’s a big group (in addition to our two kids), and we are able to host ILs and SIL’s family overnight, and the others stay in a nearby hotel.

Because everyone is driving from a distance and not everyone is staying with us, others usually only contribute wine or pies, leaving most of the day-before and day-of cooking to DH and me. It’s a ton of work, but everyone enjoys it, and we make it all happen.

That said, this year is extra busy as I have a significant work event happening before and another work event right after the holiday. The kids also have a lot of activities that time of year. While DH and I usually make all the side dishes the family prefers (we’re talking tons), this year we want to scale back and not do so many sides. For example, we always do mac and cheese as it is a favorite of the teenage cousin, but no one else loves it and would insist on it.

DH and I aren’t sure how to signal that it won’t be the full-scale event this year (unless others are willing to significantly step up their contributions). I’m thinking DH sends a group email about a month in advance that is like “here is our planned menu, please feel free to bring anything else” (even though that would involve coolers and whatnot. Is that fair? Any better ideas? TIA!

I’m stuck in only one person likes macaroni and cheese.
WTF are you serving at Thanksgiving?

NP.
(In addition to crudités and appetizers)

Turkey/gravy
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Dressing
Roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and balsamic glaze
Steamed, seasoned green beans
Squash casserole
Homemade Parker House rolls

That’s a spread that doesn’t “need” a pedestrian macaroni dish that is seen on menus and tables frequently, and therefore isn’t special.

That's a "spread"? And evidently a non-pedestrian spread? Aside from the sprouts with pancetta, it all seems pretty basic to me, and there's nothing wrong with basic, but why are you getting sniffy about mac & cheese when this looks like something you could recreate with Marie Callendar?

If you’re the type who looks at a menu like that and thinks it needs another carb/rich dish, I honestly don’t know where or how you eat that much in one day. That is beyond a full plate. Not to mention dessert that will come later. I like mac and cheese but I agree it is not a Thanksgiving dish.

My elementary-aged kid doesn't particularly like macaroni & cheese, except the kind my mother serves at Thanksgiving. Until this past year, she had no idea that the macaroni & cheese her grandmother served at Thanksgiving was from Wawa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We're so excited to host Thanksgiving this year. We will both be extremely busy at work, so we're planning a slightly scaled down menu of X, Y, Z. Please feel free to bring additional sides/desserts to share if you don't see your favorite on the menu. Can't wait to see you!

This. Short and sweet.

Another option is to check out local restaurants that offer catering. Some of the holiday sides you know family may love could be available and all you’d have to do is pay and pick up.

Another +1 in agreement. My mother has scaled down our Thanksgiving by purchasing sides and desserts that only one or two like or that are labor-intensive. We tried catering the whole meal for a couple years, but my mother prefers to make the turkey, stuffing/dressing, some veggies, etc. She was originally against purchasing anything, but it has worked well and has allowed her to continue hosting, which she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for a Google Sheets potluck menu for people to sign up. They can prep and par-bake in advance, and heat up at your place.

I wouldn't attend a Thanksgiving potluck. I am not cooking for the holidays. If you don't want to invite me, I don't care, but I won't be cooking.

What do you do when you host?

I live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment. I never host anything.

Ah. A Perpetual Guest weighs in on major holiday hosting.

You're not much better, buddy. A) maybe the apartment dweller is poor. Be generous. and B) if you don't like to host a Perpetual Guest, then graciously don't. And keep your opinions to yourself. It is THANKSGIVING after all. At least try to be a decent person one day a year.