Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:uu

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.

OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.

I don’t think this is a trust issue though. Op wants to know and continues to ask about the affair details. To me, that says this is not about the trust rather it’s about rehashing the events to inflict pain.

I did it because I did t want to forget. I wanted it to stay fresh. Otherwise it felt like he was “getting away with it”. It felt like protection to have those walls. I also got irritated very easily. Like “really, after what you did”, etc. But you eventually have to decide how to move past it or leave. Continually revisiting it only hurts you years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are only a few months into this then there is no way he should be upset about you bringing it up. My marriage survived an affair and the first year was pure hell. I constantly had questions and there was lots of crying, confrontations, and uncertainty on my part. We would seemingly be having a good day and something would trigger me and the cycle would start again. DH would be emotional too and but he never asked me to stop bringing it up. At some point, when I was ready, I stopped bringing it up and that was mostly because I was ready then to move forward on my time table.

Same. And the fact he managed to stay calm and not fight back, and answer all questions did a lot. If he were to get defensive or angry - it would not have worked.

[Anonymous]

He was patient for 8 months in lying, scheming, planning with his AP to break his vows, he should at least handle 8 months of impromptu questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me 4 years to not think about it. They weren’t at I love you. Your time line is your own.

Yep. The literature on 3-5 years is right. I was closer to 5.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that you are entitled to harping about it until the end of the infidelity course.

But yeah, privately, I think you're obsessing about it and the infidelity course was probably a money-making course for the therapist, that fed your obsession, but that your husband is really, really hating. I would hate that sort of thing too!

So please drop it after the course, OP. For your own mental health. Seek individual therapy if you need to. There comes a time when the philandering spouse just can't provide more apologies and groveling, you know? He'll want to leave (and maybe that is indeed the right solution for you as well).

OK, cheater. What terrible advice. “Don’t make the cheater uncomfortable because he might want to leave” - when the cheater should be apologizing and begging for another chance and offering to do whatever yhe betrayed spouse needs to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would tell him that you are entitled to harping about it until the end of the infidelity course.

But yeah, privately, I think you're obsessing about it and the infidelity course was probably a money-making course for the therapist, that fed your obsession, but that your husband is really, really hating. I would hate that sort of thing too!

So please drop it after the course, OP. For your own mental health. Seek individual therapy if you need to. There comes a time when the philandering spouse just can't provide more apologies and groveling, you know? He'll want to leave (and maybe that is indeed the right solution for you as well).

OK, cheater. What terrible advice. “Don’t make the cheater uncomfortable because he might want to leave” - when the cheater should be apologizing and begging for another chance and offering to do whatever yhe betrayed spouse needs to heal.

DP. Okay, but they don't. Sometimes they don't. They act like s--t and then leave. And that's good riddance, absolutely! But a plan to make him apologize and beg and offer to do anything without some backup plan for what to do if that doesn't happen isn't even a practical plan at all.

The strong place to stand is to decide on what you need, accept no less, and be ready for either of you to decide this is not a marriage you can save. It sucks, and it's hard, but it means you don't get emotionally wrenched all over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

The affair didn’t end until she discovered it. He didn’t end it out of remorse.

I'm not convinced he is not cheating now or isn't planning to bounce. First he's setting OP up to be the bad guy w/him as the real victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

I agree with this, but please do bear in mind that betrayed spouses perseverate about the AP LONG after the cheater has forgotten not only the feelings but the specifics of what was said and done. Depending on the cheater’s age, they really will forget at a certain point and it is not gaslighting. …. If you see progress and he is contrite, don’t punish yourself for his sins and ruin your marriage. Think more of your future happiness than your former misery.

This really resonated. It has been decades and I still think about it but don’t ask questions. Spouse probably doesn’t remember since it was “purely physical”. I always will.

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go. If you want to stay with your spouse, stay and just let it go. Don’t stay and then constantly ask questions and bring it up, year after year, anytime you have an argument. If you don’t think you can forgive and let it go, just divorce. You don’t need to beat your spouse up for the rest of his life because of his infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

What a sad, sad world view. People are interchangeable, according to this sad sack. Yikes.

He’s the guy who inserts toxic anti-women BS every chance he gets.

[Anonymous]

I would just like to point out that per OP’s follow up, it has been just 4 months (or less) since the affair was discovered (April). The affair itself lasted 8 months.

Keep that in mind as you tell OP she needs to let it go, that she can’t “harp” on this year after year, etc.

I personally think OP and her DH are still in the thick of the rehashing period and that it’s very normal and appropriate for her to still be thinking about it and asking questions. I think her DH’s expectation that they would be done talking about it by now is absurd and a reflection of his guilty conscience and inability to come to terms with the consequences of his actions.

I would keep up with the therapy and see where it goes, but take his current reluctance to talk about it or answer questions as a bad sign. Right now he should be focused closely on fixing what he broke.

[Anonymous]

He can leave if he doesn't want to hear about it.

But what is the benefit of discussing it?
He did a bad thing, he needs to stop. He can pay damages with money or labor.

If you just want to him to suffer to 'get even", that's never going to work; it just drags you down to suffer with him, and pushes him to look for another affair. The only psychological punishment you can force on him is the feeling of losing you. (Hell is separation from God.) Either that hurts him enough to inspire true change, or your marriage is already over.

[Anonymous]

All of the people telling you to let it go have never been where you are, OP. I have. You need information, and your DH should be willing to answer every single questions you have until you don't need to ask them any more. The mind movies you experience, the need to know every detail - it's so you can heal, not to punish him. And he should know that. My DH answered every question I had, even ones I had already asked. He said he had the absolute responsibility to help me heal, and that *I* got to decide what that looked like.

Four months is absolutely nothing. Of course the cheater wants it all to be over. But it isn't FOR YOU. So ask your questions. And find a decent therapist, cause neither mine nor my DH's would ever say that four months was adequate to get over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the people telling you to let it go have never been where you are, OP. I have. You need information, and your DH should be willing to answer every single questions you have until you don't need to ask them any more. The mind movies you experience, the need to know every detail - it's so you can heal, not to punish him. And he should know that. My DH answered every question I had, even ones I had already asked. He said he had the absolute responsibility to help me heal, and that *I* got to decide what that looked like.

Four months is absolutely nothing. Of course the cheater wants it all to be over. But it isn't FOR YOU. So ask your questions. And find a decent therapist, cause neither mine nor my DH's would ever say that four months was adequate to get over this.

Agree. 4 months was absolutely still ground zero in our house. I was still barely functioning. Spouse was in the thick of his own therapy. I had not even agreed to couples counseling at that point. I didn’t ask for anything- my spouse provided it and went through the interrogations and calmly answered questions over and over as the mind movies and triggers were just awful for me. I couldn’t sleep. Nights were the worst.0 He took over everything in the house and was fully supportive. He read so many books about helping me heal and went out and got a vasectomy on his own accord. Told me to draft any pre-nup I needed, etc. It was 6 moths before I even agreed to couples therapy because he needed his own work first.

But this guy at 4 months done with hearing about it? Just no. He definitely hasn’t any clue the magnitude of trauma he inflicted. I question whether he truly is sorry or remorseful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

I agree with this, but please do bear in mind that betrayed spouses perseverate about the AP LONG after the cheater has forgotten not only the feelings but the specifics of what was said and done. Depending on the cheater’s age, they really will forget at a certain point and it is not gaslighting. …. If you see progress and he is contrite, don’t punish yourself for his sins and ruin your marriage. Think more of your future happiness than your former misery.

This really resonated. It has been decades and I still think about it but don’t ask questions. Spouse probably doesn’t remember since it was “purely physical”. I always will.

Same. It’s the most frustrating part for me. They inflicted this trauma and have the peace. They forget. It’s something etched painfully in my mind and it reverberates and forever changed me.