Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.

Sure. Agreed.

OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.

I don't think anyone has said she is. I do think there has to be a shared goal in mind, as well as progress towards it. I like the idea a PP had of framing off the detailed questions and painful discussions to certain set times, concurrent with a commitment to spending enjoyable time together to rebuild the relationship.

But if there isn't something to save, then there isn't something to save. OP gets to decide when to trust, absolutely. And when and whether to forgive, absolutely. And both get to decide every day whether this is something still to save. I do hope both find a path to a better life ahead, and if both want it, then that the life is together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

The affair didn’t end until she discovered it. He didn’t end it out of remorse.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound much more worried about his feelings than your own. This man fell in love with another woman and only stopped seeing her because you found out. Honestly he can and should be going out of his way every day for the rest of his life if he really cared. Instead he is annoyed, and you’re worried he’s going to get tired of you. He’s already stepped out once and doesn’t appear to have the emotional maturity or fortitude to do the work to rebuild the trust. Going to therapy sessions is necessary but not sufficient. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

No guy is worth that much disrespect.

-- wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.

Sure. Agreed.

OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.

I don't think anyone has said she is. I do think there has to be a shared goal in mind, as well as progress towards it. I like the idea a PP had of framing off the detailed questions and painful discussions to certain set times, concurrent with a commitment to spending enjoyable time together to rebuild the relationship.

But if there isn't something to save, then there isn't something to save. OP gets to decide when to trust, absolutely. And when and whether to forgive, absolutely. And both get to decide every day whether this is something still to save. I do hope both find a path to a better life ahead, and if both want it, then that the life is together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

Anonymous wrote:No guy is worth that much disrespect.

-- wife

I agree with both of you.

Cheating is a nuclear bomb to a relationship. Most don't survive it.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are only a few months into this then there is no way he should be upset about you bringing it up. My marriage survived an affair and the first year was pure hell. I constantly had questions and there was lots of crying, confrontations, and uncertainty on my part. We would seemingly be having a good day and something would trigger me and the cycle would start again. DH would be emotional too and but he never asked me to stop bringing it up. At some point, when I was ready, I stopped bringing it up and that was mostly because I was ready then to move forward on my time table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:uu

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.

OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.

I don’t think this is a trust issue though. Op wants to know and continues to ask about the affair details. To me, that says this is not about the trust rather it’s about rehashing the events to inflict pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and her DH need designated times and places for discussing this stuff. Wall it off a bit, so it can't come up randomly during dinner or as you're getting ready for bed. Keep a journal and write down your questions, then during designated times, go through it and see if there is anything to discuss or anything he could tell you that would help you process.

I think the argument that OP is punishing her DH or has him in a "penalty period" are missing the point and reflect an avoidant attitude. He cheated. It is what it is. OP clearly needs more time to process and deal with it, and if they want to save the marriage, I think it would be best if he participated in that process because if he expects her to process it on her own or in her own therapy sessions, I think you have real danger of OP winding up in such a different space that the marriage can't be saved.

But if you could just schedule a check in where the DH commits to being open and willing to listen, and OP agrees to not bring it up in between these sessions (maybe once a month or something), then you give OP what she needs without having the topic permeate their entire lives. I think at some point OP will decide she doesn't need these check ins anymore.

I would also make a point of scheduling fun, bonding activities so there is balance. Like each month, you go on 4-5 dates plus you work out together every Saturday, and then once a month you have a bit of time set aside to talk through any feelings or questions OP has around this issue. If you want to rebuilt, I think this gives you the balance you need without making OP feel like she just has to stuff her feelings down, which will not work out in the end. They will just wind up resurfacing at the worst possible time.

This is all cute. Op needs to divorce her husband.

+1. These posters are delusional.

[Anonymous]

I bet OJ's tired of hearing about Nicole and Ron too. Ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

What a sad, sad world view. People are interchangeable, according to this sad sack. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that you are entitled to harping about it until the end of the infidelity course.

But yeah, privately, I think you're obsessing about it and the infidelity course was probably a money-making course for the therapist, that fed your obsession, but that your husband is really, really hating. I would hate that sort of thing too!

So please drop it after the course, OP. For your own mental health. Seek individual therapy if you need to. There comes a time when the philandering spouse just can't provide more apologies and groveling, you know? He'll want to leave (and maybe that is indeed the right solution for you as well).

[Anonymous]

It makes a difference whether this was a one time fling versus a full on love affair versus the DH playing the other woman. One time fling could be forgivable as a fluke. Love affair would be devastating, but at least there is a real human inside there. Being a player though - that’s a full stop deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

What a sad, sad world view. People are interchangeable, according to this sad sack. Yikes.

It’s the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's normal to think about it frequently and have questions. Since you're already in therapy, I'd ask the expert how to deal with the constant rumination and intrusive thoughts. Your H should also understand that this is to be expected.

I agree with this, but please do bear in mind that betrayed spouses perseverate about the AP LONG after the cheater has forgotten not only the feelings but the specifics of what was said and done. Depending on the cheater’s age, they really will forget at a certain point and it is not gaslighting. Think about how much you truly remember about past relationships- and you were in those wholeheartedly. “I love you” exchanges via text in the dark, hot fantasy world of an affair carry little weight in the brightness of day. I am not saying he gets a free pass, but ask yourself what you ultimately want out of your marriage? No one likes to be continually reminded of their mistakes and be asked to be an apologist indefinitely. If you see progress and he is contrite, don’t punish yourself for his sins and ruin your marriage. Think more of your future happiness than your former misery.

Especially the men. Literally don’t even remember her last name or much else. My wife on the other hand could probably still tell you everything. I let her talk and answered all questions for a very long time. But it’s been several years and I literally couldn’t tell you much of anything. Honestly don’t remember. It ran its course it was over and it’s not someone I ever want anything to do with, nor do I have any desire to cheat again. Individual therapy helped me deal with shame, address my issues and helped me with how to help my wife heal. But, it was talked about for a long time.