Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

[Anonymous]

ha ha, "oh I'm tired of talking about my wrongdoing and how I hurt you". Yeah I bet.

Dump that chump OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frustrated. We are close to completing an infidelity course/which included therapy sessions with an expert in this area. (3 month thing)

Affair is over, but it was an “I love you”, 8 month type thing. I literally think about it and things he said to her about me, our marriage, etc constantly (I have texts).

While my marriage is in a positive trending place, and I’m hopeful about the future, I still bring things up, ask questions and it seems to really annoy my husband. He knows he “should” answer but I worry that it’s causing problems for us even though my thoughts, questions, constant imagery is definitely causing problems for me.

Feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don’t dilemma

If you want to save this marriage, forgive and forget. Not for his sake but for your own sanity and giving relationship a new life. If you can't rise above it, move on. Its tough and not for every couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

Yes. And it always hinges on that "if."

I hope OP and her DH come to a point where they both feel secure and happy, and are looking forward to good things. If they want it to be together, then I hope that is a place that the hard work and patience can take them together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

If he wants to stay with her, he will do what he needs to do to and will be patient.

No woman is worth that much PP.

- guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

Seems like if he doesn't want to eat shit, he shouldn't poop in the house. He's got to clean up the problem he made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

Seems like if he doesn't want to eat shit, he shouldn't poop in the house. He's got to clean up the problem he made.

... if he wants to stay.

Correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

Seems like if he doesn't want to eat shit, he shouldn't poop in the house. He's got to clean up the problem he made.

Agree 1st point.
But then just how many times does he have to reclean the poop that he has already cleaned up in many ways?
After awhile, he will see no solution and will want to move to a new house me thinks.

[Anonymous]

PS: Don't get me wrong. Cheating is awful, being betrayed is devastating, and someone who is betrayed is very rightly furious about it. And if they stay together after that, the relationship requires work, effort, and care.

And sometimes people decide not to stay together, and either person gets to make that call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.

OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.

[Anonymous]

It took me 4 years to not think about it. They weren’t at I love you. Your time line is your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get over it. He cheated.

It is his responsibility (and should be top priority) to make sure you feel safe, validated, loved, cared for, and given anything you need - emotionally - in order to continue healing from HIS infidelity.

Yes.

This. Agree. And if he feels like he’s doing time, then he’s really not done his work.

[Anonymous]

Eight months isn’t very long. Give yourself all the time you need. If he cannot be with you in the process he might not be worth keeping around.

[Anonymous]

He's tired of hearing about it.

You're tired of having thoughts of him having sex with another woman and sharing private info about you and your marriage and jeopardizing your whole life and family with his selfish actions.

I'd say you win the who is more tired of it contest. Maybe you can get your therapist to explain this to him.

[Anonymous]

You may eventually think less and less about it but the fact that he is irritated you still want to discuss it after SUCH a short time is reallllly telling about how remorseful he may be and how much he truly cares about your emotional health.

In my case I had thought I had mostly gotten past it. We’d done couples therapy and individual therapy and I tried to focus on moving on. But I never forgot, never forgave, was always in the back of mind. Years and years went by. And then he cheated again. Sadly most of them do.