Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I know what she is trying to do and trying to get the marriage to work is never going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I know what she is trying to do and trying to get the marriage to work is never going to happen.

never say never

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I know what she is trying to do and trying to get the marriage to work is never going to happen.

never say never

Don’t be foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I know what she is trying to do and trying to get the marriage to work is never going to happen.

never say never

Right, never say the husband will never have an affair again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid.

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage.

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get over it. He cheated.

It is his responsibility (and should be top priority) to make sure you feel safe, validated, loved, cared for, and given anything you need - emotionally - in order to continue healing from HIS infidelity.

One sure way to divorce

What is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get over it. He cheated.

It is his responsibility (and should be top priority) to make sure you feel safe, validated, loved, cared for, and given anything you need - emotionally - in order to continue healing from HIS infidelity.

One sure way to divorce

What is?

11:20 post

[Anonymous]

I think OP and her DH need designated times and places for discussing this stuff. Wall it off a bit, so it can't come up randomly during dinner or as you're getting ready for bed. Keep a journal and write down your questions, then during designated times, go through it and see if there is anything to discuss or anything he could tell you that would help you process.

I think the argument that OP is punishing her DH or has him in a "penalty period" are missing the point and reflect an avoidant attitude. He cheated. It is what it is. OP clearly needs more time to process and deal with it, and if they want to save the marriage, I think it would be best if he participated in that process because if he expects her to process it on her own or in her own therapy sessions, I think you have real danger of OP winding up in such a different space that the marriage can't be saved.

But if you could just schedule a check in where the DH commits to being open and willing to listen, and OP agrees to not bring it up in between these sessions (maybe once a month or something), then you give OP what she needs without having the topic permeate their entire lives. I think at some point OP will decide she doesn't need these check ins anymore.

I would also make a point of scheduling fun, bonding activities so there is balance. Like each month, you go on 4-5 dates plus you work out together every Saturday, and then once a month you have a bit of time set aside to talk through any feelings or questions OP has around this issue. If you want to rebuilt, I think this gives you the balance you need without making OP feel like she just has to stuff her feelings down, which will not work out in the end. They will just wind up resurfacing at the worst possible time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and her DH need designated times and places for discussing this stuff. Wall it off a bit, so it can't come up randomly during dinner or as you're getting ready for bed. Keep a journal and write down your questions, then during designated times, go through it and see if there is anything to discuss or anything he could tell you that would help you process.

I think the argument that OP is punishing her DH or has him in a "penalty period" are missing the point and reflect an avoidant attitude. He cheated. It is what it is. OP clearly needs more time to process and deal with it, and if they want to save the marriage, I think it would be best if he participated in that process because if he expects her to process it on her own or in her own therapy sessions, I think you have real danger of OP winding up in such a different space that the marriage can't be saved.

But if you could just schedule a check in where the DH commits to being open and willing to listen, and OP agrees to not bring it up in between these sessions (maybe once a month or something), then you give OP what she needs without having the topic permeate their entire lives. I think at some point OP will decide she doesn't need these check ins anymore.

I would also make a point of scheduling fun, bonding activities so there is balance. Like each month, you go on 4-5 dates plus you work out together every Saturday, and then once a month you have a bit of time set aside to talk through any feelings or questions OP has around this issue. If you want to rebuilt, I think this gives you the balance you need without making OP feel like she just has to stuff her feelings down, which will not work out in the end. They will just wind up resurfacing at the worst possible time.

This is all cute. Op needs to divorce her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get over it. He cheated.

It is his responsibility (and should be top priority) to make sure you feel safe, validated, loved, cared for, and given anything you need - emotionally - in order to continue healing from HIS infidelity.

The infidelity experts say this is exactly correct

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get over it. He cheated.

It is his responsibility (and should be top priority) to make sure you feel safe, validated, loved, cared for, and given anything you need - emotionally - in order to continue healing from HIS infidelity.

One sure way to divorce

What is?

11:20 post

In what way? Husband being expected to assist his wife in her healing?

Not only are you supposed to forgive affairs, you’re not even supposed to expect that your husband help you do so. Got it.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to bring up your questions and triggers, and a truly remorseful spouse will understand that. But your DH also, presumably, feels shame and has to face that every time you bring the affair up. Tough for him. Has he read “How to help your spouse heal from an Affair?” It should be his bible. Is he in individual counseling? He should be. The timeline is a good idea. Normal healing time for a spouse who has been cheated on is 2-5 years. Please go to survivinginfidelity.com for great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and her DH need designated times and places for discussing this stuff. Wall it off a bit, so it can't come up randomly during dinner or as you're getting ready for bed. Keep a journal and write down your questions, then during designated times, go through it and see if there is anything to discuss or anything he could tell you that would help you process.

I think the argument that OP is punishing her DH or has him in a "penalty period" are missing the point and reflect an avoidant attitude. He cheated. It is what it is. OP clearly needs more time to process and deal with it, and if they want to save the marriage, I think it would be best if he participated in that process because if he expects her to process it on her own or in her own therapy sessions, I think you have real danger of OP winding up in such a different space that the marriage can't be saved.

But if you could just schedule a check in where the DH commits to being open and willing to listen, and OP agrees to not bring it up in between these sessions (maybe once a month or something), then you give OP what she needs without having the topic permeate their entire lives. I think at some point OP will decide she doesn't need these check ins anymore.

I would also make a point of scheduling fun, bonding activities so there is balance. Like each month, you go on 4-5 dates plus you work out together every Saturday, and then once a month you have a bit of time set aside to talk through any feelings or questions OP has around this issue. If you want to rebuilt, I think this gives you the balance you need without making OP feel like she just has to stuff her feelings down, which will not work out in the end. They will just wind up resurfacing at the worst possible time.

That's it, though, right? What is being saved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and her DH need designated times and places for discussing this stuff. Wall it off a bit, so it can't come up randomly during dinner or as you're getting ready for bed. Keep a journal and write down your questions, then during designated times, go through it and see if there is anything to discuss or anything he could tell you that would help you process.

I think the argument that OP is punishing her DH or has him in a "penalty period" are missing the point and reflect an avoidant attitude. He cheated. It is what it is. OP clearly needs more time to process and deal with it, and if they want to save the marriage, I think it would be best if he participated in that process because if he expects her to process it on her own or in her own therapy sessions, I think you have real danger of OP winding up in such a different space that the marriage can't be saved.

But if you could just schedule a check in where the DH commits to being open and willing to listen, and OP agrees to not bring it up in between these sessions (maybe once a month or something), then you give OP what she needs without having the topic permeate their entire lives. I think at some point OP will decide she doesn't need these check ins anymore.

I would also make a point of scheduling fun, bonding activities so there is balance. Like each month, you go on 4-5 dates plus you work out together every Saturday, and then once a month you have a bit of time set aside to talk through any feelings or questions OP has around this issue. If you want to rebuilt, I think this gives you the balance you need without making OP feel like she just has to stuff her feelings down, which will not work out in the end. They will just wind up resurfacing at the worst possible time.

If OP needs more time to process and discuss it, it should be with a therapist. Obviously, she is not over it.

[Anonymous]

^^I mean, maybe something good longterm. Hopefully good for both of them. but if you don't believe it can be good eventually, then what is being saved?