Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is sad that some wives end up being more intimate with the AP than their cheating husband ever was- they research, do In-depth analysis and extrapolate a great more from the relationship than ever existed. And more time wasted searching for the elusive answer to “Why?”

You can’t understand unless you’re in the situation. Sad implies the wife is being pathetic or weak, which is incredibly unfair and completely lacking in empathy

I meant to imply that the two women (AP and betrayed spouse) probably think and know more about each other in a layered intimate strangers fashion. After a certain point, it is some sort of mental atavistic mate competition that has little to do with the actual cheater. Both women have over-exaggerated ideas of the expanse and depth of the relationship, while the cheater is oblivious to all this manufactured nuance.

Yep. For men, it's pump and dump. Just sex. They might have played the fantasy mushy-wushy---but when the chips are down they are DONE. The women fixate on it for years after.

So why do men more frequently leave the marriage ofter being cheated on? They never think how good they might be in bed compared to the other man even after the affair is over?

Most don’t leave. 68% stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is sad that some wives end up being more intimate with the AP than their cheating husband ever was- they research, do In-depth analysis and extrapolate a great more from the relationship than ever existed. And more time wasted searching for the elusive answer to “Why?”

You can’t understand unless you’re in the situation. Sad implies the wife is being pathetic or weak, which is incredibly unfair and completely lacking in empathy

I meant to imply that the two women (AP and betrayed spouse) probably think and know more about each other in a layered intimate strangers fashion. After a certain point, it is some sort of mental atavistic mate competition that has little to do with the actual cheater. Both women have over-exaggerated ideas of the expanse and depth of the relationship, while the cheater is oblivious to all this manufactured nuance.

Yep. For men, it's pump and dump. Just sex. They might have played the fantasy mushy-wushy---but when the chips are down they are DONE. The women fixate on it for years after.

So why do men more frequently leave the marriage ofter being cheated on? They never think how good they might be in bed compared to the other man even after the affair is over?

Culture. Men feel emasculated.

[Anonymous]

So 32% leave. That's pretty close to 1/3 leave, 2/3 stay. I wouldn't bet my farm on either, with those numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is sad that some wives end up being more intimate with the AP than their cheating husband ever was- they research, do In-depth analysis and extrapolate a great more from the relationship than ever existed. And more time wasted searching for the elusive answer to “Why?”

You can’t understand unless you’re in the situation. Sad implies the wife is being pathetic or weak, which is incredibly unfair and completely lacking in empathy

I meant to imply that the two women (AP and betrayed spouse) probably think and know more about each other in a layered intimate strangers fashion. After a certain point, it is some sort of mental atavistic mate competition that has little to do with the actual cheater. Both women have over-exaggerated ideas of the expanse and depth of the relationship, while the cheater is oblivious to all this manufactured nuance.

Yep. For men, it's pump and dump. Just sex. They might have played the fantasy mushy-wushy---but when the chips are down they are DONE. The women fixate on it for years after.

So why do men more frequently leave the marriage ofter being cheated on? They never think how good they might be in bed compared to the other man even after the affair is over?

Most don’t leave. 68% stay.

+1, the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women, even when it was the woman who strayed. Women have a much easier time imagining themselves on their own, and are more capable of self-sufficiency, than most married men. An alarming number of unhappily married men will stay that way simply because it is easier than figuring out how to live without their wives. Men are extremely lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

I haven't read the whole thread, but this comment is more useful than it appears. PP is correct that you will have doubts and questions many years into the future. PP is also correct that your spouse will eventually grow tired of being interrogated and/or being punished for what he or she did wrong.

The real key is that he or she should be doing things that reassure you that this will not occur again. You need to respond to those efforts by increasing trust, over time. At some point in the near term, you need to ask whatever questions you need to ask and be done with questioning. More questions will not solve the issues between you.

- someone who had an affair once, did the required work and never cheated again. Still married to spouse and in some ways, better off as we addressed our issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is doomed.

Why do you say this?

You are never going to let it go. You will always have questions. Even 10 years from now you will have doubts and questions. He will get tired of eating shit.

I haven't read the whole thread, but this comment is more useful than it appears. PP is correct that you will have doubts and questions many years into the future. PP is also correct that your spouse will eventually grow tired of being interrogated and/or being punished for what he or she did wrong.

The real key is that he or she should be doing things that reassure you that this will not occur again. You need to respond to those efforts by increasing trust, over time. At some point in the near term, you need to ask whatever questions you need to ask and be done with questioning. More questions will not solve the issues between you.

- someone who had an affair once, did the required work and never cheated again. Still married to spouse and in some ways, better off as we addressed our issues.

Coming from it from the betrayed side, I don't disagree with you on most points, but in my experience a lot of people conflate asking questions with talking about the affair at all. A big trauma needs to be processed . . . it's like an infected wound that needs to be completely drained. So if there's any kind of push back from the cheater around the betrayed bringing it up, then that wound is going to stay infected. Sure, asking questions about who, what, where, when isn't helpful when you have the general gist. But you need to be able to communicate your hurt to someone who is taking ownership and expressing empathy without them acting like you're some weirdo for having feelings.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have *got* to not mention it any more. Whether you get over it, that's not the point.

I would have divorced. Leaving open the idea of remarrying the spouse later, only IF I had been able to move past it and never mention it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have *got* to not mention it any more. Whether you get over it, that's not the point.

I would have divorced. Leaving open the idea of remarrying the spouse later, only IF I had been able to move past it and never mention it again.

Good grief. OP, ignore this person. You have to process a trauma. Guess what - the person responsible for that trauma doesn't get to dictate how you process it.

[Anonymous]

Most married men don't cheat
Men who cheat who are married more than once, or cheat more than once, greatly affect the reported number "re: married men that cheat"

[Anonymous]

the person responsible for that trauma doesn't get to dictate how you process it.

You're right, no they don't. Divorce their @ss. But if you choose to be married to them (and I was the poster who said you could always, divorce first, remarry them later), you do so once you have dealt with the trauma and moved past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the person responsible for that trauma doesn't get to dictate how you process it.

You're right, no they don't. Divorce their @ss. But if you choose to be married to them (and I was the poster who said you could always, divorce first, remarry them later), you do so once you have dealt with the trauma and moved past it.

You also said OP has got to not mention it. And that is entirely wrong.

Divorcing and then getting back together isn’t helpful advice either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have *got* to not mention it any more. Whether you get over it, that's not the point.

I would have divorced. Leaving open the idea of remarrying the spouse later, only IF I had been able to move past it and never mention it again.

Good grief. OP, ignore this person. You have to process a trauma. Guess what - the person responsible for that trauma doesn't get to dictate how you process it.

What a stupid f'king comment. Only if OP wants to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have *got* to not mention it any more. Whether you get over it, that's not the point.

I would have divorced. Leaving open the idea of remarrying the spouse later, only IF I had been able to move past it and never mention it again.

Good grief. OP, ignore this person. You have to process a trauma. Guess what - the person responsible for that trauma doesn't get to dictate how you process it.

What a stupid f'king comment. Only if OP wants to divorce.

Okay, Cheater. We get it; it’s so unfair that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You poor baby. Doesn’t your spouse realize that your betrayal of her is never to be discussed again?

[Anonymous]

Do you think you have the full truth? Cheaters also exhaust from trying to keep their made up ‘facts’ straight in discussions. (They can’t).

[Anonymous]

It is way too early in the game for him to be getting irritated with you not being over any of this yet. His exasperation is telling, that he is continuing to put himself first, to alleviate the discomfort he may feel being annoyed by you asking questions or talking about his betrayal, despite the heartache he has caused you.

This attitude shows that he has regret but not real remorse. I would be very cautious. My H was like this and cheated again.