Parental exhaustion

[Anonymous]

PP- Do you have some medical condition because what you describe is not normal for someone your age. Do you work and if so, how do you work in a daily nap?

[Anonymous]

PP with the rare medical condition found and treated with great success. In some ways it was like what people describe as long covid. Lots of people have versions of long covid, some that are more obvious than others. Could that be something to look into? There is no cure but treatments that can help a lot.

[Anonymous]

45 yo mom of three with “big job” but it allows me to work from home a lot. You are not alone, OP. Starting about 2 years ago, I gained a little weight (about 10 pounds) and have changed mentally in that I just cannot get done what I used to. I find myself wanting to just zone out and watch TV at night, too exhausted to engage or keep going. At first I thought it was COVID culture, but now I realize it is middle age hitting me.

I’ve started really managing my diet the past couple of weeks and find this helps. I’m focusing on high protein, a small lunch so I don’t get tired in the afternoon from overeating, a green juice and protein bar as a snack, then dinner with family. I’m also focusing a lot more on strength training/weight lifting. I already feel better and with more energy than when I was
mindlessly snacking all day. But it’s only been a couple of weeks and I haven’t seen the results on the scale yet - but I suspect when I get back to my pre-COVID weight that I will feel better and more motivated.

In addition to leading a healthier lifestyle, I’ve decided to try to accept that I can only do my best each day and that my best varies depending on many circumstances. I am not superwoman and I am still proud of myself for being a relatively good person and trying my best. Just trying to be a good person and moral and ethical and live a good life and hope that my kids see that and that good things come to us.

Good luck OP. Wishing you and all the others on this thread the best on your journies.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1148016.page

This thread resonated with me a lot, as did the one I just linked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:45 yo mom of three with “big job” but it allows me to work from home a lot. You are not alone, OP. Starting about 2 years ago, I gained a little weight (about 10 pounds) and have changed mentally in that I just cannot get done what I used to. I find myself wanting to just zone out and watch TV at night, too exhausted to engage or keep going. At first I thought it was COVID culture, but now I realize it is middle age hitting me.

I’ve started really managing my diet the past couple of weeks and find this helps. I’m focusing on high protein, a small lunch so I don’t get tired in the afternoon from overeating, a green juice and protein bar as a snack, then dinner with family. I’m also focusing a lot more on strength training/weight lifting. I already feel better and with more energy than when I was
mindlessly snacking all day. But it’s only been a couple of weeks and I haven’t seen the results on the scale yet - but I suspect when I get back to my pre-COVID weight that I will feel better and more motivated.

In addition to leading a healthier lifestyle, I’ve decided to try to accept that I can only do my best each day and that my best varies depending on many circumstances. I am not superwoman and I am still proud of myself for being a relatively good person and trying my best. Just trying to be a good person and moral and ethical and live a good life and hope that my kids see that and that good things come to us.

Good luck OP. Wishing you and all the others on this thread the best on your journies.

OP again. So many helpful and thoughtful posts. This one really hit home.

My job can’t be done from home. I could get a transfer to a slightly closer location but not immediately and it would come with other tradeoffs.

I have worked on cleaning up my diet this week and it’s helped. Cut out desserts, diet soda, mindless snacking. I added another strength training session. Sleep is a little better too.

[Anonymous]

Peri menopause/or Menopause

[Anonymous]

My hormones changed and subsequently my sleep became a mess starting in my late 30s, and I found myself chronically exhausted. Sleep could be the root of this. And it's a cycle where poor sleep causes stress, which causes poor sleep. A very low dose of sertraline (zoloft) works wonders for improving my sleep and keeping my stress hormones in check.

[Anonymous]

OMG I love you guys. I am 51 with 20 and 16 yo DC and I feel the same way. I have an intense job which I scaled back as much as I can and I WFH and I am still exhausted and depleted. My sleep sucks and I am trying so hard to fix it. I cleaned up my eating but it doesn’t seem to help enough. I exercise as much as I can but it is hard when feeling this way. I feel so incredibly tapped. Somehow it feels so good to not feel alone in this. I’m used to being able to solve it and power through and I’ve just been feeling wiped. Mindset like PP noted helps - I try to be the best I can. Would help more if DH understood better. I carry the entire mental load at home as he works more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10.5 hours is a normal work day plus commute. I don't get what the issue is here. OP is lucky to have a partner who can do all of the stuff with the kids. Most parents are both out of the house these hours for jobs that require you to be in person (there are many of those types of jobs).

10.5 hours a week out of house, 5 days a week for both parents being normal is being called into question lately, and rightfully so.

OP, I would question your assumptions about having to work that much. Do you HAVE to do the after school program? Is there a way to work less? Or can you, DH and kids divvy up the work more and outsource some things you thought might be too expensive or yourself not worthy of?

If a friend came to you and said they were exhausted but we’re still trying to work as much as you are, would you tell them to keep working as much as you are? Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10.5 hours is a normal work day plus commute. I don't get what the issue is here. OP is lucky to have a partner who can do all of the stuff with the kids. Most parents are both out of the house these hours for jobs that require you to be in person (there are many of those types of jobs).

10.5 hours a week out of house, 5 days a week for both parents being normal is being called into question lately, and rightfully so.

OP, I would question your assumptions about having to work that much. Do you HAVE to do the after school program? Is there a way to work less? Or can you, DH and kids divvy up the work more and outsource some things you thought might be too expensive or yourself not worthy of?

If a friend came to you and said they were exhausted but we’re still trying to work as much as you are, would you tell them to keep working as much as you are? Be kind to yourself.

Do I have to work that much? If I want to pay the bills I do. I’m a single parent. I do everything because I dint have a choice. Teaching doesn’t pay enough for me to quit the after school job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think those hours are anything unusual for people with commutes. I leave at 6:40 and get home around 6pm most days. Unfortunately you are are older parent and the grind takes its toll as you age.

I am 49 and my DH is 51. While we knew plenty of people who travelled/commuted a ton in the early and even mid years of our careers, but now, I am struggling to think of anyone who keeps these hours everyday out of the house. Once you hit middle age + pandemic/WFH, no, I don't think its usual for a 50 y/o to do this EVERYDAY.

I do it everyday and so do most people I know. These are the hours of parents who need to drop their kids off at daycare, go to work and then pick the kids up. Now so many people work from home that this seems unusual but it isn’t for people who have to work in person.

How old are you? How many years have you been working? How old are your kids? This is a tween/teen thread and you are talking about daycare.

I'm 46. I've been leaving my home at 6:40 to get to work by 7:30 since I was 25 years old. I'm a teacher. I teach until 2:30 and then work our school's aftercare program until 5:00. I leave school then and pick up my 16 yr and 14 yr old at school (or from their sport's practice) around 5:30/6pm. When the kids were younger, I'd drop them off at daycare at 7am and pick them up around 5:30pm. Now, it's school. I've got 4 more years until my youngest goes to college and then I can leave my school at 5pm and go straight home.

Plenty of people do this. Just because a lot of people now work from home doesn't mean everyone does.

There is not really a nice way to say it, so here goes. People with choices and career capital just don't stay out of the house everyday like that as they get older. OP cannot keep up with her current life, so I really think she has to look at how she works. Maybe going to the doctor is fine but really, sometimes we just put unreasonable demands on ourselves and act like it's all normal. It's kind of amazing to me that some people's first thought is that it's normal to be out of the house 5 days a week for 12 hours a day for an entire working life.

DP, I wanted to add to this that most people I know l with one parent in the office for much of the day also have a SAH, WAH, or part time/flexible parent. I don’t know anyone really with 2 commuting full time parents except for 1 family and they only have 1 kid *and* nearby family help for the long days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 with an 8 year old. I am already searching for boarding schools for her middle school to high school years. I am absolutely exhausted. I am worried that I won't be able to keep up with her in the future. I fall asleep before she does every night. I must take naps everyday from 2-3pm. After cleaning, washing, caring for myself and other life events, I have nothing left.

I often forget things and put things in the wrong places. I am mentally drained. I am also a single parent. My kid cannot participate in any after school activities unless the hours are 3pm-5pm. I will not enroll her in any evening activities. We are in the bed each night by 9pm. We start winding down at 8pm.

Have you been to a doctor? This sounds so extreme to me. I’m a bit younger than you (40) but have 3 young kids and a full time job, and while it’s tiring, I’m not falling asleep at 9 pm each night and researching boarding schools. I actually wonder if you’re getting too much sleep with a mid day nap and early bedtime. Sometimes laying in bed too long makes me more tired. I sleep from about 11-7 FWIW and can’t remember the last time I needed a nap. It sounds like something medical is going on maybe.

[Anonymous]

I'll be 58 when the youngest graduates from high school in a few years.

Yes, I tire more easily.

I pick and choose my school involvement with much care these days.

Yes, I can volunteer at the school for two hours.

No, I am not going on the field trip.

At this point (we have a HS sophomore this year, youngest child), it is up to our kid to take the report card reins. Our youngest missed half of 6th and all of 7th to virtual learning -- there is a curve to make up for lost studying habits. We're here to help as needed, but you cannot send them off to college if they cannot self manage. It's a delicate balance.

But I definitely have pulled back on the school volunteering to about 5%. I'm 55 and in menopause. It's time to let the 40 year old moms step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10.5 hours is a normal work day plus commute. I don't get what the issue is here. OP is lucky to have a partner who can do all of the stuff with the kids. Most parents are both out of the house these hours for jobs that require you to be in person (there are many of those types of jobs).

10.5 hours a week out of house, 5 days a week for both parents being normal is being called into question lately, and rightfully so.

OP, I would question your assumptions about having to work that much. Do you HAVE to do the after school program? Is there a way to work less? Or can you, DH and kids divvy up the work more and outsource some things you thought might be too expensive or yourself not worthy of?

If a friend came to you and said they were exhausted but we’re still trying to work as much as you are, would you tell them to keep working as much as you are? Be kind to yourself.

Do I have to work that much? If I want to pay the bills I do. I’m a single parent. I do everything because I dint have a choice. Teaching doesn’t pay enough for me to quit the after school job.

Ok, but you are not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I love you guys. I am 51 with 20 and 16 yo DC and I feel the same way. I have an intense job which I scaled back as much as I can and I WFH and I am still exhausted and depleted. My sleep sucks and I am trying so hard to fix it. I cleaned up my eating but it doesn’t seem to help enough. I exercise as much as I can but it is hard when feeling this way. I feel so incredibly tapped. Somehow it feels so good to not feel alone in this. I’m used to being able to solve it and power through and I’ve just been feeling wiped. Mindset like PP noted helps - I try to be the best I can. Would help more if DH understood better. I carry the entire mental load at home as he works more.

Have you had your blood levels checked to see where you are in the menopause cycle? It's an easy test, a quick result. Ask your doctor to do it during your next visit.

I think a lot of women on this thread are in menopause and don't realize it.