Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We're an inattentive ADHD, anxious family, so our summer are always low-key. We relax to make-up for the stress of the school year.

I don't quite understand what the problem is here, though. Your husband is doing the work, and he's tired. Your kids are very busy, and they're tired. You're tired from your job. In your situation, I would cut back on some activities. Boredom is GOOD. It fosters creativity. It gives one time to think and grow. Running about all the time is stupid - that's my controversial opinion

But if none of the planned activities are refundable, and/or your kids want to continue doing this, perhaps your husband does not wish to cancel. I understand that too.

I would bring up the concept of boredom being good, and discuss the logistics of that (are they old enough to stay by themselves, how much screentime, etc). But ultimately, since your husband is doing the schlepping, I would defer to him for the rest of the summer.

How old are they? I assume they are at camp full time and they are driven to other activities after camp. Do they have activities on the weekends? That doesn’t sound appealing at all. It’s up to the adults to ensure they have down time, time to see family, time to just hang out with friends. Overloading kids will cause burnout.

OP here. THIS is my point. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Damn, OP. For someone who is so stressed and overwhelmed with work, you sure have a lot of time for posting on a Monday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Ok now this has to be a troll. No one is this much of an immature brat. Good job OP. Its been awhile since I've fallen this badly for a troll.

Yeah, it’s a troll. This is a typical move. Several pages in, announce some new twist on the situation: Oh yeah, my husband’s an alcoholic! I didn’t mention that earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We're an inattentive ADHD, anxious family, so our summer are always low-key. We relax to make-up for the stress of the school year.

I don't quite understand what the problem is here, though. Your husband is doing the work, and he's tired. Your kids are very busy, and they're tired. You're tired from your job. In your situation, I would cut back on some activities. Boredom is GOOD. It fosters creativity. It gives one time to think and grow. Running about all the time is stupid - that's my controversial opinion

But if none of the planned activities are refundable, and/or your kids want to continue doing this, perhaps your husband does not wish to cancel. I understand that too.

I would bring up the concept of boredom being good, and discuss the logistics of that (are they old enough to stay by themselves, how much screentime, etc). But ultimately, since your husband is doing the schlepping, I would defer to him for the rest of the summer.

How old are they? I assume they are at camp full time and they are driven to other activities after camp. Do they have activities on the weekends? That doesn’t sound appealing at all. It’s up to the adults to ensure they have down time, time to see family, time to just hang out with friends. Overloading kids will cause burnout.

OP here. THIS is my point. Thank you.

Ok, so you told your DH this, and he agreed, then what happened? He got out a calendar and you threw yourself a pity party?

I don't think you're going to do well until you can own your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Ok now this has to be a troll. No one is this much of an immature brat. Good job OP. Its been awhile since I've fallen this badly for a troll.

+1 especially with this coming up on pg 5 of the thread. It's just turning into random Dh bashing by OP. This doesn't seem relevant to a Q about camps and over scheduling in the summer...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need marriage therapy? Or you need to enter your obligations onto the family calendar so that they can be viewed by your DH. That's what we each do and it really helps us stay organized.

It sounds like you're depressed or maybe have PTSD from your childhood and your DH's alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you need marriage therapy? Or you need to enter your obligations onto the family calendar so that they can be viewed by your DH. That's what we each do and it really helps us stay organized.

It sounds like you're depressed or maybe have PTSD from your childhood and your DH's alcoholism.

What would they even talk about? It would just end with the therapist telling OP she should divorce her husband and be a single mom and have control over it all if she doesn’t like her DH and wants control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

So you bought produce without figuring out if you actually have time to cook it. And now you want to throw it away. And your DH is going to cool the family dinner, and you're going to eat it but complain about it.

Yes, you are the jerk.

[Anonymous]

You're not a jerk, but in this case you are wrong. I work full time. I am also the default parent these days and made all the summer camp plans, do all the driving, etc. It is a ton of work. The logistics of the sign-ups, forms, driving, gear, etc. is hellish. The schedule is like one of those complicated puzzles on the table in a doctor's waiting room where the pieces only fit together one way, and if you get one piece wrong the whole thing falls apart. And, DC being DC, all of the arrangements had to be made months ago because camps start filling up in January.

Your DH took all of this on. He is handling all of it. You do not have to do any of it. You should be telling him every day how grateful you are for what he is doing. Give that man a hug and a cold beer.

Of course you still get to have thoughts about your kids' lives and input on the schedule. But, the time for that input was in March, not now in the middle of the summer struggle. And, to the extent your input involves the idea that the kids should have more downtime during working hours, then you need to step up an volunteer to be with the kids during that downtime.

The one surefire way for my spouse to drive me through the roof is by trying to rejigger summer plans in July. All I want is to have the summer schedule settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

This is a communication issue that you both need to work on. I would never, ever, trash anything or give up on my plans, OP. I'm not wired that way. But I am fine with postponing a special dinner if the family can't be there to enjoy my work. I would use the food in another way. It's a little shocking to me that you default to the nuclear option (trashing everything) - it shows a lack of emotional control.

I'm the previous poster with the ADHD/anxious family. It seems pretty obvious that you are struggling with your executive function. Are you medicated with Adderall or another stimulant? Because that might entirely change your life, OP. And if you have a diagnosis and your husband sees that you try to get organized and do your best to make decisions promptly without defaulting to trashing stuff, then he might not default to his non-responsive stance either.

I suggest you treat yourself, and see how that goes. No doubt your husband has plenty of issues to work on as well. Your family is worth all that effort, OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

So you bought produce without figuring out if you actually have time to cook it. And now you want to throw it away. And your DH is going to cool the family dinner, and you're going to eat it but complain about it.

Yes, you are the jerk.

OP you are randomly doing your own sport that is also time consuming and needs equipment etc. This is after you have no time for your kids, think they are over scheduled, can't tend to any details of the family schedule etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not a jerk, but in this case you are wrong. I work full time. I am also the default parent these days and made all the summer camp plans, do all the driving, etc. It is a ton of work. The logistics of the sign-ups, forms, driving, gear, etc. is hellish. The schedule is like one of those complicated puzzles on the table in a doctor's waiting room where the pieces only fit together one way, and if you get one piece wrong the whole thing falls apart. And, DC being DC, all of the arrangements had to be made months ago because camps start filling up in January.

Your DH took all of this on. He is handling all of it. You do not have to do any of it. You should be telling him every day how grateful you are for what he is doing. Give that man a hug and a cold beer.

Of course you still get to have thoughts about your kids' lives and input on the schedule. But, the time for that input was in March, not now in the middle of the summer struggle. And, to the extent your input involves the idea that the kids should have more downtime during working hours, then you need to step up an volunteer to be with the kids during that downtime.

The one surefire way for my spouse to drive me through the roof is by trying to rejigger summer plans in July. All I want is to have the summer schedule settled.

Ok. I just read through some of the comments are learned the OP's DH is in recovery. So, strike the "hug and a beer" comment, just give the man a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do kinda think you are the jerk here OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, reading only your initial post it really sounds like YOU are overwhelmed and stressed by YOUR schedule and want some downtime with your kids and family. And you’re assuming your kids feel the same way. They don’t. They’re fine. You need to find a new job you don’t hate and a schedule that doesn’t drive you up the wall. Then you can work with your husband and kids to schedule family time that works for everyone over the next school break.