S/O What are the major parenting "you do what??" triggers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

I mean I think you are talking about how people parent toddlers. I know people who do this style of parenting and as their kids get older there is less explaining and talking because the kids get it. But their kids are also calm and can clearly articulate their feelings and the parents have a good rapport with them. So I actually do think it helps in the long run. I get why it feels annoying because it's intensive in the toddler/preschool stage. But IME that's short lived and then you have emotionally intelligent kids, which is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

Yep. And those of us with older kids have seen those kids turn into disregulated older children who struggle in basic social situations and never naturally learn to respect their parents and others. It’s great that PP learned to parent better than her upbringing, but when the majority of parents using the philosophy are doing it differently, that’s what the rest of us see and identify the philosophy with. It seems like PP is fixated on the label and term, so if that’s what she needs to identify with, then power to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

It can be a personal breakthrough, but it's not a breakthrough in the parenting research and literature.

I mean, you are ignoring the fact that for a long time, the prevailing wisdom for parenting was "children should be seen and not heard" and "spare the rod, spoiler the child." So yes, actually, all these non-authoritarian parenting styles that everyone makes fun of and criticizes WERE a breakthrough. Literally. Attachment parenting, gentle parenting. The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... is a book about being empathetic and treating your children with respect. That's actually groundbreaking and was not how parents operated in the US, at least, for most of the 20th century until the very end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and generally people who let their child spoil an outing for others. I think it sends totally the wrong message. People who are "gentle parenting" for so long that we all miss the bus. People who are unwilling to physically remove a child who is hitting other children. People who don't hold their child accountable for commitments and let them cancel because they just aren't feeling like a playdate they previously agreed to. Things like that teach the child that bad behaviors are acceptable and that it's other people's burden to accommodate. It's not good for the kid, and it makes me cringe to see it. And it ruins the playdate, so why even bother?

Yes - this. I'll add people who let their kid run and climb around noisily in the front of church or stand up in front of seated people at a concert or talk through a show or movie. If your kid can't be in those settings without ruining them for other people, either don't put yourselves in that situation choose a spot where you can escape quickly if your kid gets disruptive. I don't have a lot of parenting triggers but this is a huge one for me.

I second this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

I mean I think you are talking about how people parent toddlers. I know people who do this style of parenting and as their kids get older there is less explaining and talking because the kids get it. But their kids are also calm and can clearly articulate their feelings and the parents have a good rapport with them. So I actually do think it helps in the long run. I get why it feels annoying because it's intensive in the toddler/preschool stage. But IME that's short lived and then you have emotionally intelligent kids, which is great.

Do you, though? Honestly, I've seen good results (that may or may not be causally related to parenting style), and I've seen bad results (ditto). Sometimes I think it teaches the kids to over-value their own feelings and be narcissistic or constantly captive to their every feeling. Some of our feelings are important and others are not very important, and it's a parent's job to teach that fact of life. And I think "gentle parenting" runs the risk of being in denial of special needs or emotional regulation problems because it is so accommodating and promises long-term payoff even with little short-term progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

Yep. And those of us with older kids have seen those kids turn into disregulated older children who struggle in basic social situations and never naturally learn to respect their parents and others. It’s great that PP learned to parent better than her upbringing, but when the majority of parents using the philosophy are doing it differently, that’s what the rest of us see and identify the philosophy with. It seems like PP is fixated on the label and term, so if that’s what she needs to identify with, then power to her.

Where are all these "gentle parents" with rude, out-of-control kids? I guess I kind of understand the stereotype of the kind of parent you are talking about -- the super crunchy parent who doesn't believe in consequences or discipline of any kind and the kids just run rough shod over them. But I can't really think of a single actual parent I know like this. Even the super crunchy Waldorf parents I know. Most of the kids I know are pretty well behaved, with a few outliers that I think are actually more due to special needs than parenting style.

Reading these comments would make you think there's a scourge of out of control bad kids around, and my experience is that most kids I encounter are pretty well behaved. The biggest issues is that many are buried in screens all the time, but the people most like to be into gentle parenting are also likely to be anti-screen, so that's not a gentle parenting issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

It can be a personal breakthrough, but it's not a breakthrough in the parenting research and literature.

I mean, you are ignoring the fact that for a long time, the prevailing wisdom for parenting was "children should be seen and not heard" and "spare the rod, spoiler the child." So yes, actually, all these non-authoritarian parenting styles that everyone makes fun of and criticizes WERE a breakthrough. Literally. Attachment parenting, gentle parenting. The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... is a book about being empathetic and treating your children with respect. That's actually groundbreaking and was not how parents operated in the US, at least, for most of the 20th century until the very end.

Right, it WAS. That book was published in 1980. My mom had a copy. Everything WAS a breakthrough at one time. It's not a breakthrough now 42 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

Yep. And those of us with older kids have seen those kids turn into disregulated older children who struggle in basic social situations and never naturally learn to respect their parents and others. It’s great that PP learned to parent better than her upbringing, but when the majority of parents using the philosophy are doing it differently, that’s what the rest of us see and identify the philosophy with. It seems like PP is fixated on the label and term, so if that’s what she needs to identify with, then power to her.

Where are all these "gentle parents" with rude, out-of-control kids? I guess I kind of understand the stereotype of the kind of parent you are talking about -- the super crunchy parent who doesn't believe in consequences or discipline of any kind and the kids just run rough shod over them. But I can't really think of a single actual parent I know like this. Even the super crunchy Waldorf parents I know. Most of the kids I know are pretty well behaved, with a few outliers that I think are actually more due to special needs than parenting style.

Reading these comments would make you think there's a scourge of out of control bad kids around, and my experience is that most kids I encounter are pretty well behaved. The biggest issues is that many are buried in screens all the time, but the people most like to be into gentle parenting are also likely to be anti-screen, so that's not a gentle parenting issue.

Bloomingdale, Eckington, Edgewood, and Takoma Park.

The post wasn't about what annoying things are widespread. It was about what's annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

I think people are triggered 1) When they think something is actually harmful to the child and 2) When something is annoying to themselves. Gentle parenting can be both. Just not yelling isn't what people mean when they say "gentle parenting". It means taking tons of time with your kid's every little feeling and tolerating bad behavior for longer than other people would. Some say this pays off in the long run, I dunno, maybe it does maybe it doesn't. But "gentle parenting" definitely means more than just not yelling.

I mean I think you are talking about how people parent toddlers. I know people who do this style of parenting and as their kids get older there is less explaining and talking because the kids get it. But their kids are also calm and can clearly articulate their feelings and the parents have a good rapport with them. So I actually do think it helps in the long run. I get why it feels annoying because it's intensive in the toddler/preschool stage. But IME that's short lived and then you have emotionally intelligent kids, which is great.

Do you, though? Honestly, I've seen good results (that may or may not be causally related to parenting style), and I've seen bad results (ditto). Sometimes I think it teaches the kids to over-value their own feelings and be narcissistic or constantly captive to their every feeling. Some of our feelings are important and others are not very important, and it's a parent's job to teach that fact of life. And I think "gentle parenting" runs the risk of being in denial of special needs or emotional regulation problems because it is so accommodating and promises long-term payoff even with little short-term progress.

Huh, just not my experience. Most people I know who use this approach do so because it has good short term results. I know that's why we landed on it. I came across gentle parenting guidance when we were in the toddler meltdown stage, and I read stuff on co-regulation and using empathy to get through this phase, and it worked better than all the other stuff we tried, including 123 magic, time outs, etc. Obviously it looks different with an 8 or 10 year old than with a toddler, but the principles are the same: lead with empathy, if a kid is misbehaving, try to get to the bottom of the behavior rather than going right to punishment. My kids are well behaved, and have rules. It's worked for us and I feel like it's adapted well to older kids because over time they learn a vocabulary for expressing feelings and also gain skills for regulating themselves.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised nobody has brought up vaccines (COVID and others generally) yet.

[Anonymous]

Helmets
Water safety
Sleepovers
Guns in the home

These are important issues and worth taking a stand about.

Screentime is polarizing but I’m pretty meh on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

It can be a personal breakthrough, but it's not a breakthrough in the parenting research and literature.

I mean, you are ignoring the fact that for a long time, the prevailing wisdom for parenting was "children should be seen and not heard" and "spare the rod, spoiler the child." So yes, actually, all these non-authoritarian parenting styles that everyone makes fun of and criticizes WERE a breakthrough. Literally. Attachment parenting, gentle parenting. The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... is a book about being empathetic and treating your children with respect. That's actually groundbreaking and was not how parents operated in the US, at least, for most of the 20th century until the very end.

Right, it WAS. That book was published in 1980. My mom had a copy. Everything WAS a breakthrough at one time. It's not a breakthrough now 42 years later.

It takes a generation for something to take hold. Some people latched on to the attachment parenting in the 80s but it took decades for some of the basic principles to catch on. It wasn't until 2000 or so that the concepts in that book had really really taken hold and now people take a lot of them for granted even as they scoff at the idea of "attachment parenting." Your mom might have been on the cutting edge of that movement, but most parents weren't. I was born in the late 70s and trust me, my parents did not parent with attachment principles or calm authority. So for me, one generation later, yes it was revolutionary to read some of this stuff and discover there was a different, better way to parent. I wan't reading parenting books in college or my 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teaching toddlers to share.

TBH Sharing isn't fun. It is the biggest lie we tell our kids. You share to get along better with other people, but less for me is never fun, that's why kids hate it so much.

[Anonymous]

Giving teens permission to have sex or drink or vape or use cannabis.

Whether and when and how to move in a new romantic partner to your child's household.

Whether you should let your child take out large student loans or force them to attend a cheaper college instead.