S/O What are the major parenting "you do what??" triggers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this thread is fir pointing out triggers, not arguing them, but I just wanted to say that what people are calling “gentle parenting” on this thread is not gentle parenting.

We do gentle parenting and our kids sleep in their own beds, have a schedule, go to school even on days they’d rather not, say please and thank you, know how to share and take turns, and get consequences for poor behavior.

All gentle parenting means is that we work hard as parents to model calm and emotional regulation, and don’t yell, threaten, hit, enforce arbitrary rules, or try to “force” behaviors. That’s it. You still parent, but you work at not being a jerk about it so that your kids also learn not to be jerks. It doesn’t mean letting kids do whatever they want. All kids need structure and consequences.

That may be how you define and implement your version of gentle parenting, but it’s not a trademarked term and there are many websites, books, and parent experts that define it differently and will tell you that the very things you “still” do are contrary to the gentle parenting method. IMO what you describe sounds like basic authoritative parenting, which is what 99% of us (on DCUM at least) strive for.

Every parenting authority that advocates for gentle parenting talks about setting boundaries, having rules, and modeling emotional regulation. There may be some parents out there who say they are doing gentle parenting when they simply have no rules— if so, I’m sure it’s obvious that they are simply poor parents with no boundaries. Most gentle parenting advocates I follow are family or childhood behavioral therapists, not random influencers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rules around screen time, social media, age to get a phone, etc

Wut

There is tons of bickering over those subjects on here.

[Anonymous]

I know people who feel strongly about these things in terms of their own parenting but I don’t know anyone who gets militant or upset about how other people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, that’s just parenting. It’s what we all do.

Then you engage in gentle parenting. It just means you don’t yell, threaten, hit or engage in other abusive behaviors.

Those of you criticizing gentle parenting are using the term wrong.

[Anonymous]

"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Hey, it’s not like I WANT my kid crawling into my bed every night. He just does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Hey, it’s not like I WANT my kid crawling into my bed every night. He just does.

There are these things called boundaries. And consequences. If you aren't willing to utilize them, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

https://www.mother.ly/life/motherly-stories/gentle-parenting-problem-essay/

[Anonymous]

Damn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Hey, it’s not like I WANT my kid crawling into my bed every night. He just does.

There are these things called boundaries. And consequences. If you aren't willing to utilize them, that's on you.

Eh, he’s only little for a little while. I’m not going to be on my death bed wishing I had given my kid more consequences and fewer snuggles.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and generally people who let their child spoil an outing for others. I think it sends totally the wrong message. People who are "gentle parenting" for so long that we all miss the bus. People who are unwilling to physically remove a child who is hitting other children. People who don't hold their child accountable for commitments and let them cancel because they just aren't feeling like a playdate they previously agreed to. Things like that teach the child that bad behaviors are acceptable and that it's other people's burden to accommodate. It's not good for the kid, and it makes me cringe to see it. And it ruins the playdate, so why even bother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who spend a lot of their spare time doing math enrichment and math summer school and then complain the school math curriculum is "too slow" or not advanced enough for their math genius. If they need all that extra tutoring and time, they aren't that advanced.

So I get that those parents are annoying when they complain, but math education in this country is really slow compared to some other countries. And it translates into U.S. kids not being able to fill the high demand for quantitative jobs. When we recruit for quant positions, 75% of the candidates that pass the initial HR screen did K-12 in a foreign country.

Some parents think that the public school math curriculum is just not age appropriate - they worry that they're wasting their kid's potential by not teaching them early. The only "solution" I really see if to have multiple tracks for math from early on (because some kids struggle with the pace of the school math curriculum) but there are definitely other concerns with that.

This makes no sense. The school systems around here are set up for most college-bound kids to take calculus in 12th grade, barring learning disabilities or the like. That is what I did 20 years ago, and I am a FAANG engineer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and generally people who let their child spoil an outing for others. I think it sends totally the wrong message. People who are "gentle parenting" for so long that we all miss the bus. People who are unwilling to physically remove a child who is hitting other children. People who don't hold their child accountable for commitments and let them cancel because they just aren't feeling like a playdate they previously agreed to. Things like that teach the child that bad behaviors are acceptable and that it's other people's burden to accommodate. It's not good for the kid, and it makes me cringe to see it. And it ruins the playdate, so why even bother?

Yes - this. I'll add people who let their kid run and climb around noisily in the front of church or stand up in front of seated people at a concert or talk through a show or movie. If your kid can't be in those settings without ruining them for other people, either don't put yourselves in that situation choose a spot where you can escape quickly if your kid gets disruptive. I don't have a lot of parenting triggers but this is a huge one for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Gentle parenting" PP, you do you, and you sound basically reasonable. But the idea that it's unhelpful to lose your composure is not some major breakthrough. And it sounds like you are not taking it anywhere near as far as some people do. It's not like you own this term and have exclusive rights to define it.

Observed in the wilds of Bloomingdale/Eckington, it means a SAHM is bored and maybe a little depressed, emotionally sensitive, and she needs to feel like she's parenting in a special and enlightened way because she doesn't have enough else going on in her life. So every tantrum or bad behavior is rewarded with attention and accommodation-- and with a self-conscious public performance of "gentle parenting"-- even though the behavior of kid and mom both is annoying to others. As behavior continues to lag behind same-age peers and a social chill sets in, the mom becomes more anxious. Lots of social media posting about "gentle parenting", emotions, etc., while others roll their eyes that the parent of a badly behaved kid is trying to give advice. Eventually the mom goes back to work, the mom gets over the parenting philosophy or realizes it's more for toddlers, the kid matures, the kid gets treatment for special needs, or whatever. Or they just grow into an older child with poor behavior and emotional regulation, that happens too.

This may sound harsh, but people get salty about "gentle parenting" because 1) It's annoying; and 2) It feels like the kid isn't being taught proper boundaries and behavior, instead the kid is being indulged and enabled to behave like a much younger child, so it seems like it's a dis-service to the child. Now, you can always say that the kid would be doing even worse under standard parenting, and there's no way to prove the counterfactual.

If you grew up in a house where people yelled and hit a lot, then staying calm while parenting IS a breakthrough.

I think the gentle parenting movement was essentially invented by and for people who were raised by abusive parents, as a way to break that cycle. Like the comments on this thread "everyone parents this way" or "yes, that's authoritative parenting, that's what we all do" are telling. I mean, yes, it's what I do, but it's not what my parents did and I needed a different approach. I don't know why the term triggers people so much. What people are describing as gentle parenting is just people being lax and having no boundaries. That's not "gentle." Gentle just means, you know, using your indoor voice and not flipping out on your kid, something that actually is pretty hard for a lot of people.

It can be a personal breakthrough, but it's not a breakthrough in the parenting research and literature.