People who have affairs don't regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The feeling of being alive again, after a long period of mere existence, can be amazing.

I get that, but it is temporary. Then you lose someone you’ve loved much of your life and may still plus the respect of family, children and your friends. Image goes up in flames. You’re viewed differently. People think about it every time the see you next. Then financial impact hits hard. It’s a rough road. Unless you manage not to get caught which everyone thinks will be them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not regret my affair. I think it saved my life, actually. I was not caught and divorced on my own volition.

I'm now on my second marriage and this H cheated on me so profoundly, he gave me herpes. I was angry about it for awhile but I do not care anymore. He is abusive and awful in every way, not just cheating.

What I don't understand is the people who actually have good relationships with their spouses and still cheat despite this.

Guess Karma arrived in the 2nd marriage

[Anonymous]

I don't not having affairs at all. I only regret not doiing it many years earlier and cheating myself out of a new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

Of course the cheaters in therapy regret their choices. If they were happy and confident in their choices, they wouldn’t be in therapy. That doesn’t mean that the majority of cheaters feel regret. Cheaters tend to be people who prioritize their happiness over their partner’s. If their actions result in their being happier, they don’t go to therapy. If their actions result in greater unhappiness, they go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

don’t regret it. I’ve never been caught.

I regret my marriage and regret having children with my DH.

The kindness my AP showed me - the tenderness- gave me hope. It has since ended and I would do it all over again.

Is your husband holding you hostage? Grow up and leave. Find some character instead of being a cheater and victimizing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The feeling of being alive again, after a long period of mere existence, can be amazing.

I get that, but it is temporary. Then you lose someone you’ve loved much of your life and may still plus the respect of family, children and your friends. Image goes up in flames. You’re viewed differently. People think about it every time the see you next. Then financial impact hits hard. It’s a rough road. Unless you manage not to get caught which everyone thinks will be them.

None of this matters imo. A lot of people, especially boomers and old Xers, married young or had very little sexual experience before marriage, and married the wrong person. They want to be happy and to spend the rest of their remaining lives with someone who is a better fit. My FIL simply couldn't stand to be in the same room with my MIL, it was painful to watch. Monogamy, like staying thin, takes a lot of work. Having sex with the same person for decades is boring, no matter what you do to spice things up. It's the same body that you've seen a million times.

[Anonymous]

ChumpLady did a hysterical breakdown of that narcissistic Modern Love piece (which I can’t believe some PP thought reflected the “nuance” of emotions). Samantha Silva did a terrible thing that hurt a lot of other people but she was in her feelz so thinks that makes it all ok.

https://www.chumplady.com/2023/05/ubt-my-spectacular-betrayal/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a look at the most recent NY Times "Modern Love" essay: My Spectacular Betrayal by Samantha Silva.

That woman clearly didn't regret her affair and is still with her affair partner 12 years later. In her case, she wasn't totally unhappy with her husband, she had a one night stand with her best friend's husband. Apparently, the sex was hot enough that they continued to sneak around to have it, and eventually developed feelings and then left their spouses to be together. The two couples had been friends for years. If the ONS hadn't happened, do the affair and the divorces happen? I'd think not, at least not at that time. Maybe eventually.

I think people get settled into the monotony of married life and monogamy, forget what excitement feels like, have a fling with someone else and then can't resist the dopamine high. It sucks for the spouse who is in the dark and gets left, but it's also... human. Monogamy is just really hard, and not everyone is cut out for it.

Thank you for sharing this, it's a great article. "Despite the fear and guilt, I sometimes felt a sense of expansive possibility, the exquisite beauty of being human. "

I have no dog in this fight, never had an affair and likely never will, but I'm always surprised by the black-and-white thinking that many women in this forum have about affairs. They just seem incapable of understanding nuance and complexity and human relationships. So many women posting here are straight out of the Scarlett Letter, do you even recognize yourself? You might want to read that book again

exactly

They need to believe that their Hs regret the affair. Otherwise, they would have to go back to work, sell the house, and move the kids of the McLean schools. Drinking the kool-aid is more convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

Of course the cheaters in therapy regret their choices. If they were happy and confident in their choices, they wouldn’t be in therapy. That doesn’t mean that the majority of cheaters feel regret. Cheaters tend to be people who prioritize their happiness over their partner’s. If their actions result in their being happier, they don’t go to therapy. If their actions result in greater unhappiness, they go to therapy.

So there are tons of people that regret cheating. It only made them unhappier. The people I see in therapy are distraught they did something that didn’t align with their values. They often are processing for the first time a lot of childhood trauma. They used it as a poor coping skill.

Yes. If a cheater willingly goes to therapy on their own, for themselves, it’s a good sign. I’ve had cheaters who come and their spouses don’t know. They are in turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

don’t regret it. I’ve never been caught.

I regret my marriage and regret having children with my DH.

The kindness my AP showed me - the tenderness- gave me hope. It has since ended and I would do it all over again.

Is your husband holding you hostage? Grow up and leave. Find some character instead of being a cheater and victimizing yourself.

She’s a complete loser. Shopping around while married. These same guys wouldn’t give her the time of day if they were single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ChumpLady did a hysterical breakdown of that narcissistic Modern Love piece (which I can’t believe some PP thought reflected the “nuance” of emotions). Samantha Silva did a terrible thing that hurt a lot of other people but she was in her feelz so thinks that makes it all ok.

https://www.chumplady.com/2023/05/ubt-my-spectacular-betrayal/

I don’t love chumplady but this is the analysis this column deserves, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a look at the most recent NY Times "Modern Love" essay: My Spectacular Betrayal by Samantha Silva.

That woman clearly didn't regret her affair and is still with her affair partner 12 years later. In her case, she wasn't totally unhappy with her husband, she had a one night stand with her best friend's husband. Apparently, the sex was hot enough that they continued to sneak around to have it, and eventually developed feelings and then left their spouses to be together. The two couples had been friends for years. If the ONS hadn't happened, do the affair and the divorces happen? I'd think not, at least not at that time. Maybe eventually.

I think people get settled into the monotony of married life and monogamy, forget what excitement feels like, have a fling with someone else and then can't resist the dopamine high. It sucks for the spouse who is in the dark and gets left, but it's also... human. Monogamy is just really hard, and not everyone is cut out for it.

Thank you for sharing this, it's a great article. "Despite the fear and guilt, I sometimes felt a sense of expansive possibility, the exquisite beauty of being human. "

I have no dog in this fight, never had an affair and likely never will, but I'm always surprised by the black-and-white thinking that many women in this forum have about affairs. They just seem incapable of understanding nuance and complexity and human relationships. So many women posting here are straight out of the Scarlett Letter, do you even recognize yourself? You might want to read that book again

WTF? That was fornication, not adultery.

And yeah I tend to be pretty black and white about hurting others which is often the case with affairs. It’s possible to understand that people have reasons, even understandable reasons, for making decisions that hurt others while also condemning those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ChumpLady did a hysterical breakdown of that narcissistic Modern Love piece (which I can’t believe some PP thought reflected the “nuance” of emotions). Samantha Silva did a terrible thing that hurt a lot of other people but she was in her feelz so thinks that makes it all ok.

https://www.chumplady.com/2023/05/ubt-my-spectacular-betrayal/

I don’t love chumplady but this is the analysis this column deserves, really.

The best :

"To all the mothers and wives and women out there, across time and space. The Miocene epoch when women were still quasi-apes to today’s AI fembots. This is dedicated to you. Be brave enough to lean in and say, yes, I deserve cheater happiness. With burner phones. And furtive f*_!ks in Motel 8s. And abnormal Pap smears. Know this joy."

[Anonymous]

Three kinds of cheaters: (1) People with low empathy (psychos); (2) people who don't love their spouse and are on their way out anyway; and, (3) people whose are in a sexless marriage. Of course the first won't regret it. The second won't either. And the third probably has some guilt but still it fills a need. It doesn't surprise me that people don't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to the belief of most betrayed wives who take back their husbands ("he is full of remorse! He's broken it off completely. He regrets sleeping with such a skanky woman, it was the biggest mistake he ever made, he can't believe he did that. He could barely have sex with her she was so gross," etc.), most people who have affairs don't regret it at all (at least according to one study)

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/05/230522131322.htm#:~:text=Infidelity%20survey%20reveals%20little%20remorse%2C%20high%20rates%20of%20satisfaction,-Date%3A%20May%2022&text=Summary%3A,on%20the%20psychology%20of%20infidelity.

This totally resonates with me. I don't think most cheaters regret having an affair. They regret getting caught. They may still love their spouse (or ... maybe not). But the sexual and emotional satisfaction they get from their affair is considerable.

Thoughts?

This is why I kicked my cheating now Ex out. He was serially unfaithful. When confronted, he exhibited remorse and begged to stay together.

In the course of the next 2 years, we did therapy. In all those years, he never expressed remorse about what he did to me. Instead his remorse focused on how his cheating had hurt him. He had not one iota of self-insight about why he cheated and how it hurt me and the kids.

It was some kind
of weird performative self-flagellation.

Obviously, after having failed at his “second chance”, I ended our relationship.