People who have affairs don't regret it

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband told me he was sorry I was hurt but he didn't regret his affair.

[Anonymous]

I don't really regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

you are a sociopath. Your poor spouse. Does your spouse think it's nbd?

This person is on this board all the time talking about how cheating is NBD. I wish they would come out and explain how their upbringing led to this thinking. Likely they also haven't looked at it from a larger lens than their own case. And then it would be helpful if they were to caveat every comment with that background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What stands out the most in that article is that it's being done with cheaters on a cheating website who WERE NOT CAUGHT. People caught up in the episode, fantasy and escape have very different feelings when they don't actually have to face all the people (children, friends, spouses, in-laws, etc) that they have severely emotionally hurt. They are still on their cheater high.

I would have them take the survey again after they are kicked out of a house and their kids aren't speaking to them and they are thrown under the bus by somebody that used them for sex.

again, they regret getting caught, not that they regret cheating.

They regret that they got caught and lost everything.

If they haven't been caught or lost everything, they don't regret it. That's why they keep cheating.

[Anonymous]

Spouse confessed during Covid pandemic. Not a lot of privacy in the house so I was able to hear some of his zoom therapy sessions (didn’t know I could hear). I heard him tell the therapist he didn’t care for the AP at all, meant nothing. I heard a ton of regret openly expressed and a ton of other issues/struggles, internal ones at the time.

Truthfully, if I hadn’t had the benefit of hearing that remorse (not just to me) and the true regret and gotten the total transparency- I wouldn’t have been able to rebuild trust.

Everyone is different. But, this study does not offer much—as someone else noted:

Did these cheaters confess?
Were they caught or did spouse never find out?

I would think somebody that broke it off themselves and confessed would probably have guilt/remorse than someone serially cheating or someone never caught and “got away with it”. Getting away with it is a biggie.

I wouldn’t take surveys by Ashley Madison customers willing to take them in the first place with a whole lot of weight. FFS. I’d expect better from Hopkins. This is what they are doing there?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. What % have no remorse. It doesn’t say.

Also the group are Ashley Madison users which is not a normal cohort.

[Anonymous]

Sure. I don't regret eating the cake. I regret the consequences, not the action.

[Anonymous]

I cheated on my first husband. I truly regret my decision to cheat on him instead of just divorcing him. Not because it would have been kinder to him, though clearly it would have been, but because at the end of the day, I regret being a person who could not just leave a failing marriage ethically. Up until that point, I had always considered myself to be an ethical, compassionate person. What I regret is that I allowed my unhappiness and fear to justify my selfish choices. Since then, I have done my best to be the ethical compassionate person I hope I still am, despite that episode in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

you are a sociopath. Your poor spouse. Does your spouse think it's nbd?

This person is on this board all the time talking about how cheating is NBD. I wish they would come out and explain how their upbringing led to this thinking. Likely they also haven't looked at it from a larger lens than their own case. And then it would be helpful if they were to caveat every comment with that background.

Do you honestly think there is only one poster on DCUM who thinks cheating is no big deal? I sure don’t. There might just be one person on DCUM who is honest enough to express this opinion, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. What % have no remorse. It doesn’t say.

Also the group are Ashley Madison users which is not a normal cohort.

It is such a flawed study which is why it's ridiculous it came out of Johns Hopkins---good lord.

Again, surveys by cheaters that weren't caught or had to face themselves or consequences. Numerous 'legitimate' studies have been done where people in that limerence and fantasy world don't think normally. They are very different when they come back to earth and have to live with themselves and see that poor character reflected back in the mirror and the severe hurt to the person they loved.

"We surveyed bank robbers in their brand new luxury home a year after the heist and not being caught, and we asked them 'do you regret robbing the bank?'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse confessed during Covid pandemic. Not a lot of privacy in the house so I was able to hear some of his zoom therapy sessions (didn’t know I could hear). I heard him tell the therapist he didn’t care for the AP at all, meant nothing. I heard a ton of regret openly expressed and a ton of other issues/struggles, internal ones at the time.

Truthfully, if I hadn’t had the benefit of hearing that remorse (not just to me) and the true regret and gotten the total transparency- I wouldn’t have been able to rebuild trust.

Everyone is different. But, this study does not offer much—as someone else noted:

Did these cheaters confess?
Were they caught or did spouse never find out?

I would think somebody that broke it off themselves and confessed would probably have guilt/remorse than someone serially cheating or someone never caught and “got away with it”. Getting away with it is a biggie.

I wouldn’t take surveys by Ashley Madison customers willing to take them in the first place with a whole lot of weight. FFS. I’d expect better from Hopkins. This is what they are doing there?

Ha ha this is classic. You cheated on him by invading his private therapy sessions? You two are made for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse confessed during Covid pandemic. Not a lot of privacy in the house so I was able to hear some of his zoom therapy sessions (didn’t know I could hear). I heard him tell the therapist he didn’t care for the AP at all, meant nothing. I heard a ton of regret openly expressed and a ton of other issues/struggles, internal ones at the time.

Truthfully, if I hadn’t had the benefit of hearing that remorse (not just to me) and the true regret and gotten the total transparency- I wouldn’t have been able to rebuild trust.

Everyone is different. But, this study does not offer much—as someone else noted:

Did these cheaters confess?
Were they caught or did spouse never find out?

I would think somebody that broke it off themselves and confessed would probably have guilt/remorse than someone serially cheating or someone never caught and “got away with it”. Getting away with it is a biggie.

I wouldn’t take surveys by Ashley Madison customers willing to take them in the first place with a whole lot of weight. FFS. I’d expect better from Hopkins. This is what they are doing there?

Ha ha this is classic. You cheated on him by invading his private therapy sessions? You two are made for each other.

Invaded? I didn’t have a glass to the wall and regrets? Zero regrets for hearing the reality of my life. I knew what I was being told wasn’t another lie. Otherwise, I would have always wondered if I was getting a different version than the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. What % have no remorse. It doesn’t say.

Also the group are Ashley Madison users which is not a normal cohort.

It is such a flawed study which is why it's ridiculous it came out of Johns Hopkins---good lord.

Again, surveys by cheaters that weren't caught or had to face themselves or consequences. Numerous 'legitimate' studies have been done where people in that limerence and fantasy world don't think normally. They are very different when they come back to earth and have to live with themselves and see that poor character reflected back in the mirror and the severe hurt to the person they loved.

"We surveyed bank robbers in their brand new luxury home a year after the heist and not being caught, and we asked them 'do you regret robbing the bank?'

Well put, PP. You nailed it. I can't believe a supposedly reputable place like Hopkins didn't account for the fact they were using a highly skewed cohort. If that group had been one of many, that would be different, but if the inquiry was really only among Ashley Madison users--? Wow, that undermines my respect for the study and for Hopkins research overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

you are a sociopath. Your poor spouse. Does your spouse think it's nbd?

This person is on this board all the time talking about how cheating is NBD. I wish they would come out and explain how their upbringing led to this thinking. Likely they also haven't looked at it from a larger lens than their own case. And then it would be helpful if they were to caveat every comment with that background.

+1

I too recognize this poster, the "it's only sex" person. Someone who entirely compartmentalizes sex as separate from every other aspect of a relationship. It seems to be extremely important to this person to insist that sex is only a physical act and (apparently) sex as cheating isn't a thing. High level of compartmentalizing going on, I suspect, to justify the PP's own serial cheating or long affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated on my first husband. I truly regret my decision to cheat on him instead of just divorcing him. Not because it would have been kinder to him, though clearly it would have been, but because at the end of the day, I regret being a person who could not just leave a failing marriage ethically. Up until that point, I had always considered myself to be an ethical, compassionate person. What I regret is that I allowed my unhappiness and fear to justify my selfish choices. Since then, I have done my best to be the ethical compassionate person I hope I still am, despite that episode in my life.

Similar experience here too.