People who have affairs don't regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse confessed during Covid pandemic. Not a lot of privacy in the house so I was able to hear some of his zoom therapy sessions (didn’t know I could hear). I heard him tell the therapist he didn’t care for the AP at all, meant nothing. I heard a ton of regret openly expressed and a ton of other issues/struggles, internal ones at the time.

Truthfully, if I hadn’t had the benefit of hearing that remorse (not just to me) and the true regret and gotten the total transparency- I wouldn’t have been able to rebuild trust.

Everyone is different. But, this study does not offer much—as someone else noted:

Did these cheaters confess?
Were they caught or did spouse never find out?

I would think somebody that broke it off themselves and confessed would probably have guilt/remorse than someone serially cheating or someone never caught and “got away with it”. Getting away with it is a biggie.

I wouldn’t take surveys by Ashley Madison customers willing to take them in the first place with a whole lot of weight. FFS. I’d expect better from Hopkins. This is what they are doing there?

Ha ha this is classic. You cheated on him by invading his private therapy sessions? You two are made for each other.

Invaded? I didn’t have a glass to the wall and regrets? Zero regrets for hearing the reality of my life. I knew what I was being told wasn’t another lie. Otherwise, I would have always wondered if I was getting a different version than the therapist.

People lie to their therapists all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to the belief of most betrayed wives who take back their husbands ("he is full of remorse! He's broken it off completely. He regrets sleeping with such a skanky woman, it was the biggest mistake he ever made, he can't believe he did that. He could barely have sex with her she was so gross," etc.), most people who have affairs don't regret it at all (at least according to one study)

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/05/230522131322.htm#:~:text=Infidelity%20survey%20reveals%20little%20remorse%2C%20high%20rates%20of%20satisfaction,-Date%3A%20May%2022&text=Summary%3A,on%20the%20psychology%20of%20infidelity.

This totally resonates with me. I don't think most cheaters regret having an affair. They regret getting caught. They may still love their spouse (or ... maybe not). But the sexual and emotional satisfaction they get from their affair is considerable.

Thoughts?

And? I guess good for them. I've never had an affair but amazing sex is life affirming. So yeah it doesn't surprise me that people enjoy it. Have at it!

[Anonymous]

I certainly don't regret my affair. I broke it off, that should be enough.

As we all know, one's mistakes are usually not regretted. We learn from them, so as not to repeat them (so we can make new mistakes).

- woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

you are a sociopath. Your poor spouse. Does your spouse think it's nbd?

I’m a spouse and I haven’t cheated, and don’t intend to, but I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker for me if he did. I think I’d rather talk about it before hand but maybe I’d prefer to just never know. It’s not that important to me, tbh.

[Anonymous]

Yep. The majority of them don't.

I believe the only cheaters who might regret cheating are those who had a drunken, impulsive one night stand. There is little thought process involved there. But if this happens more than once, it's no longer a mistake.

Most cheating takes a lot of planning, hiding, secrets, gaslighting, etc. These people had plenty of time to step back from their thoughts and not go through with it. They weighed the consequences and said "Eff it. It's worth the risk.". They are lying when they say the regret it. They regret getting caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I certainly don't regret my affair. I broke it off, that should be enough.

As we all know, one's mistakes are usually not regretted. We learn from them, so as not to repeat them (so we can make new mistakes).

- woman.

You didn’t caught. That’s key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

They sure didn't feel regret when they were cheating, though.

Also.. they regret "losing everything", not that they regret the cheating.

For many people who cheat, there really is nothing to lose. I didn’t cheat, but honestly, it wouldn’t of mattered if I did, because there was nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated on my first husband. I truly regret my decision to cheat on him instead of just divorcing him. Not because it would have been kinder to him, though clearly it would have been, but because at the end of the day, I regret being a person who could not just leave a failing marriage ethically. Up until that point, I had always considered myself to be an ethical, compassionate person. What I regret is that I allowed my unhappiness and fear to justify my selfish choices. Since then, I have done my best to be the ethical compassionate person I hope I still am, despite that episode in my life.

Similar experience here too.

Wow, two people who didn’t care about being kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

They sure didn't feel regret when they were cheating, though.

Also.. they regret "losing everything", not that they regret the cheating.

For many people who cheat, there really is nothing to lose. I didn’t cheat, but honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered if I did, because there was nothing to lose.

The ones that regret it did have a lot to lose and they regret not having difficult conversations before it ruined their lives and everyone dear to them.

[Anonymous]

Not regretting hurting people is a sign of a very messed up person. Affairs hurt spouses, you hurt other people’s spouses and kids as well.

It takes a special kind of scumbag to not regret being complicit in another human being’s pain and hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I certainly don't regret my affair. I broke it off, that should be enough.

As we all know, one's mistakes are usually not regretted. We learn from them, so as not to repeat them (so we can make new mistakes).

- woman.

You didn’t caught. That’s key.

PP you replied to. I confessed. Maybe I should have broken it off without telling my husband and saved him pain, but I was young and foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not regretting hurting people is a sign of a very messed up person. Affairs hurt spouses, you hurt other people’s spouses and kids as well.

It takes a special kind of scumbag to not regret being complicit in another human being’s pain and hurt.

+1. It’s like the drunk driver that doesn’t regret drinking or running over someone’s loved one. YOLO. Everyone else be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not regretting hurting people is a sign of a very messed up person. Affairs hurt spouses, you hurt other people’s spouses and kids as well.

It takes a special kind of scumbag to not regret being complicit in another human being’s pain and hurt.

+1. It’s like the drunk driver that doesn’t regret drinking or running over someone’s loved one. YOLO. Everyone else be damned.

“I was in a bad place”. No remorse or regret for stepping outside your marriage or into someone else’s is the height of selfishness and bad character. Empty souls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not regretting hurting people is a sign of a very messed up person. Affairs hurt spouses, you hurt other people’s spouses and kids as well.

It takes a special kind of scumbag to not regret being complicit in another human being’s pain and hurt.

+1. It’s like the drunk driver that doesn’t regret drinking or running over someone’s loved one. YOLO. Everyone else be damned.

No it's not.

Cheating takes many more steps than driving drunk, unless the cheating happened in the bar while drunk.

[Anonymous]

Of course. Because people who have affairs lack a functioning moral compass.