People who have affairs don't regret it

[Anonymous]

Contrary to the belief of most betrayed wives who take back their husbands ("he is full of remorse! He's broken it off completely. He regrets sleeping with such a skanky woman, it was the biggest mistake he ever made, he can't believe he did that. He could barely have sex with her she was so gross," etc.), most people who have affairs don't regret it at all (at least according to one study)

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/05...y%20of%20infidelity.

This totally resonates with me. I don't think most cheaters regret having an affair. They regret getting caught. They may still love their spouse (or ... maybe not). But the sexual and emotional satisfaction they get from their affair is considerable.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

of course, but I think that applies to most cheaters, male or female.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Somebody who would have an affair is lacking the character and morals already to feel remorse the way somebody who wouldn’t have an affair probably would.

[Anonymous]

Yeah unless the person is on some sort of destructive binge like drug use, it doesn’t make sense that it’s a mistake. Getting caught is a mistake. I don’t know anybody who has stayed after an affair who says or believes the mistake stuff though. I think people usually have their eyes open at that point.

[Anonymous]

I did not regret my affair. I think it saved my life, actually. I was not caught and divorced on my own volition.

I'm now on my second marriage and this H cheated on me so profoundly, he gave me herpes. I was angry about it for awhile but I do not care anymore. He is abusive and awful in every way, not just cheating.

What I don't understand is the people who actually have good relationships with their spouses and still cheat despite this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What I don't understand is the people who actually have good relationships with their spouses and still cheat despite this.

Spouse and I get along great. We're best friends. They jsut lost all their drive. We still cuddle and kiss, but that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. Somebody who would have an affair is lacking the character and morals already to feel remorse the way somebody who wouldn’t have an affair probably would.

Lots of variables can contribute to someone going outside of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Makes sense to me. I am not a cheater, but polyamorous. I don't expect a single person to fulfill every one of my needs, whether emotional or sexual or whatever, and am honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

[Anonymous]

If permission is requested and granted if the cheater still morally reprehensible?

[Anonymous]

What stands out the most in that article is that it's being done with cheaters on a cheating website who WERE NOT CAUGHT. People caught up in the episode, fantasy and escape have very different feelings when they don't actually have to face all the people (children, friends, spouses, in-laws, etc) that they have severely emotionally hurt. They are still on their cheater high.

I would have them take the survey again after they are kicked out of a house and their kids aren't speaking to them and they are thrown under the bus by somebody that used them for sex.

[Anonymous]

Well the Hopkins researchers debunked the theory that the marriage was at fault, or the spouse...

"The results suggest that infidelity isn't necessarily the result of a deeper problem in the relationship, Selterman said." They had high levels of love for their spouses.

"The take-home point for me is that maintaining monogamy or sexual exclusivity especially across people's lifespans is really, really hard and I think people take monogamy for granted when they're committed to someone in a marriage. People just assume that their partners are going to be totally satisfied having sex with one person for the next 50 years of their lives but a lot of people fail at it. It doesn't mean everyone's relationship is doomed, it means that cheating might be a common part of people's relationships."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a good relationship with my spouse and still cheated, PP. It’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything. What matters is who you come home to. People make such a big deal out of it for no reason.

you are a sociopath. Your poor spouse. Does your spouse think it's nbd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever makes you feel better. I've listened to people in therapy and I hear time and time again how much they regret losing everything that ever mattered to them and the person they loved the most in the world over somebody they didn't care one bit about when all was said and done.

You have to realize the limitation in a survey and the people that will actually answer them, correct? The outcomes and the type matter a whole helluva lot too.

They sure didn't feel regret when they were cheating, though.

Also.. they regret "losing everything", not that they regret the cheating.