So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

I would be thrilled if either my mom or MIL would offer me something to eat or drink in my own home, and took the initiative to fill others drinks/play bartender. Instead, they prefer to be waited on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Are you 85? We are hosting multiple houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast around 7, lunch around 12, cocktail hour at 5, dinner around 6/6:30. And the kitchen is open all day. Who is starving?!

No, I am 48, and my relatives throw "holidays" for about 30-75 people, maybe 10 trays of appetizers, a full size bar with 15 stools and booze flowing, oh I forgot the bar has 5-10 more appetizers, fully stocked, real arcade games, poker table going, movie room going, and then yes we have dinner at 5:30, they have catering equipment, some have sternos going for heat, maybe main dish is a few 19 pound turkeys, all homemade sides. Nobody has to fuss about getting food or serving it. It's just there everywhere the entire freaking time. You did say you throw holidays. Booze is not rationed to cocktail hour, food is not saved for a particular time slot. You are a weirdo. Even if guests stay for the day before or after the holiday, it's polite to leave out food for people to snack on and drinks mid-afternoon. I use an island to display chips, nuts, cheeses, crackers. After 2 days maybe I drop the cheeses. Who doesn't do that? Who sets an hour for when drinks and snacks are permitted? I know some hotels offer a cocktail hour, but that's different.

“Booze,” arcade games, poker and movies—this sounds like a frat house. Anyway, some of us have more elegant gatherings. I bet some of your “displayed” items are in the shape of a Christmas tree or Easter Bunny butts. Live, Laugh, Love! GATHER.

The hosts own a few multimillion companies but sure, whatever makes you feel better about you

And? Tacky is tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dinner at 5 or 5:30? If I had to starve until 5 or 5:30 to finally get a few cheese slices, I'd never come back.

Are you 85? We are hosting multiple houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast around 7, lunch around 12, cocktail hour at 5, dinner around 6/6:30. And the kitchen is open all day. Who is starving?!

No, I am 48, and my relatives throw "holidays" for about 30-75 people, maybe 10 trays of appetizers, a full size bar with 15 stools and booze flowing, oh I forgot the bar has 5-10 more appetizers, fully stocked, real arcade games, poker table going, movie room going, and then yes we have dinner at 5:30, they have catering equipment, some have sternos going for heat, maybe main dish is a few 19 pound turkeys, all homemade sides. Nobody has to fuss about getting food or serving it. It's just there everywhere the entire freaking time. You did say you throw holidays. Booze is not rationed to cocktail hour, food is not saved for a particular time slot. You are a weirdo. Even if guests stay for the day before or after the holiday, it's polite to leave out food for people to snack on and drinks mid-afternoon. I use an island to display chips, nuts, cheeses, crackers. After 2 days maybe I drop the cheeses. Who doesn't do that? Who sets an hour for when drinks and snacks are permitted? I know some hotels offer a cocktail hour, but that's different.

“Booze,” arcade games, poker and movies—this sounds like a frat house. Anyway, some of us have more elegant gatherings. I bet some of your “displayed” items are in the shape of a Christmas tree or Easter Bunny butts. Live, Laugh, Love! GATHER.

The hosts own a few multimillion companies but sure, whatever makes you feel better about you

And? Tacky is tacky.

NP. Agree with PP, you’re a weirdo.

[Anonymous]

I kind of feel bad for OP who wanted everyone to engage in DCUM's favorite blood sport: MIL bashing. And instead got a bunch of unwanted (yet helpful, if only she'd get out of her own way) suggestions and hints about being a less uptight, and more fun host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time MIL visits, it’s the same thing. Because our house is centrally located and we have lots of space, we host a lot of holidays, including overnight visitors. DH and I always have the house professionally cleaned, it is nicely decorated, and we stock up on lots of food and beverages. Meals are planned and prepared and get lots of compliments. It is a lot of work.

I can’t stand how MIL fusses over things, gets in the way, messes with our flow and our plans, and offers me things in my own home. *I* set up coffee and am hard at work making breakfast for everyone, and when it’s all set out, she offers it to me as if she has made it. She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.” She never sits down and acts like a guest. And no, she doesn’t bring dishes or wine or anything, and doesn’t offer to do anything actually helpful. She basically tries to run our show, but doesn’t actually bring so much as a side dish or an extra bottle of red. I’m so over it.

Wow. YOU sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of feel bad for OP who wanted everyone to engage in DCUM's favorite blood sport: MIL bashing. And instead got a bunch of unwanted (yet helpful, if only she'd get out of her own way) suggestions and hints about being a less uptight, and more fun host.

Au contraire, mon frere: DCUM’s favorite blood sport is bashing the OP of any thread 👍

Well-deserved in this case, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

Damn. I would just look at her with a straight face and say, “Oh really. Can you tell me how you made it or where you bought it? Are there onions in the casserole, because I’m allergic.” 😬

My mother does this - its not as egregious because she doesn't do it while I'm hosting in my own house, but she likes to repeat multiple times what the food is and offer it to people. "Did you see there was casserole?" "Did you get some casserole?" "Hey, hey hey! There's casserole." I think it's a dementia thing but I do find it annoying. Your MIL would drive me nuts though I'm not sure I would handle it any differently than your husband does.

My mom does this all the time. She’s perpetually hungry (high metabolism) and is always pushing food, whether at her house or mine. Once she went to my wine cabinet and offered a bottle I had been saving to my brother.

It is annoying but I try to roll with it because otherwise she’s a delight. I can see how if it were my MIL I’d feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of feel bad for OP who wanted everyone to engage in DCUM's favorite blood sport: MIL bashing. And instead got a bunch of unwanted (yet helpful, if only she'd get out of her own way) suggestions and hints about being a less uptight, and more fun host.

I kind of feel bad for her, too. I was one of the first posters who thought OP should let it go but man, she has gotten very little support. I know DCUM always turns on the OP but usually there is a lot more MIL-bashing along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can commiserate a little. DH’s brother’s family of 4 was visiting from overseas for about 2 weeks. His wife didn’t learn so much as where the water glasses were. She would ask how she could help after the table was set and food was being carried to the table.

We visited with them before in their home country, but DH’s parents were hosting or we’d pick up food from a restaurant to share. She never did any meals for anyone other than her and her kids, not even for her husband.

She is very social and loves to be the center of attention and life of the party, but will not lift a finger until everything’s ready.

Maybe she’s super lazy, or maybe she cannot function without a maid. My MIL and l both really disliked her and felt she treated both of us, and her husband, like employees. And she had the least money of any of us - big spender and SAHM.

I have given DH a limit of 4 days for hosting them in the future, l don’t GAF that it’s a long way to travel. Stay in a hotel.

Sounds like she has no executive function (meaning, she has ADHD). If she can't hold down a job or notice when help is needed, that speaks to inability to be attentive and get organized. And since she has money and no incentive to work, well, there's no urgent need to get meds or treatment for it.

God, you people are positively Pavlovian. Not everything is ADHD. Sometimes people just suck.

-person with ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I think you're not reading her right. This is her way of acknowledging all your hard work and reminding you to take a break. It may not be the words you'd use in the same circumstances, but I think she's trying to signal she's grateful to be hosted and wants to be solicitous about your wellbeing.

Ha! And right on cue, here you are.

BS.

PP you replied to. Yes, I posted before you made your inane remark. I stand by what I wrote. There are so many serious MIL problems to get worked up about, and this one is not it.

Oh, honey, you’re the one who made the “inane remark,” but hey, at least you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is stepping in because of OP’s weird, stringent food rules. If you have house guests, feed them. “We eat at 5” and not allowing food and drink otherwise is being a bad host.

Are you really unable to read? I have said numerous times that I am hosting houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour with appetizers and dinner, and the kitchen is open any time someone wants anything. But you tried it!

Oh yes, I see now that you posted almost this same exact comment earlier! There is no way that someone like you is the easy-going hostess you’re trying to portray yourself as. You’re being too controlling with what and when your houseguests can eat/drink. Your MIL feels the need to step in, apparently with good reason.

Nope. It’s not he house, she’s not the hostess and she is RUDE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is stepping in because of OP’s weird, stringent food rules. If you have house guests, feed them. “We eat at 5” and not allowing food and drink otherwise is being a bad host.

Are you really unable to read? I have said numerous times that I am hosting houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour with appetizers and dinner, and the kitchen is open any time someone wants anything. But you tried it!

Oh yes, I see now that you posted almost this same exact comment earlier! There is no way that someone like you is the easy-going hostess you’re trying to portray yourself as. You’re being too controlling with what and when your houseguests can eat/drink. Your MIL feels the need to step in, apparently with good reason.

Disagree. MIL is a guest. A guest does not start offering others wine and snacks. She’s certainly welcome to ask for it. But to start serving it as if she is the host? No.
Team OP!

She is also serving it to OP…she knows she’s not the host. She’s trying to be helpful to her host, trying to take something off her hands, and OP is being a childish ass.

OP doesn’t need or want her “help” and this has been communicated to her multiple times — therefore, to persist is rude. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, are you worried she’s getting credit for your work?

OP here. Not at all. It’s just annoying to have someone offer you food, drink and dessert that you personally have planned for, paid for, and prepared, as if you are visiting them and not the other way around. “Sally, there’s breakfast casserole and coffee if you’re hungry”…no sh*t! I made all of the above. I know it’s there, and I know I may have it, what with it being mine and all.

I just had to start saying things like that.

With sarcasm “yeah I know, I made it!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is stepping in because of OP’s weird, stringent food rules. If you have house guests, feed them. “We eat at 5” and not allowing food and drink otherwise is being a bad host.

Are you really unable to read? I have said numerous times that I am hosting houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour with appetizers and dinner, and the kitchen is open any time someone wants anything. But you tried it!

Oh yes, I see now that you posted almost this same exact comment earlier! There is no way that someone like you is the easy-going hostess you’re trying to portray yourself as. You’re being too controlling with what and when your houseguests can eat/drink. Your MIL feels the need to step in, apparently with good reason.

Disagree. MIL is a guest. A guest does not start offering others wine and snacks. She’s certainly welcome to ask for it. But to start serving it as if she is the host? No.
Team OP!

She is also serving it to OP…she knows she’s not the host. She’s trying to be helpful to her host, trying to take something off her hands, and OP is being a childish ass.

OP doesn’t need or want her “help” and this has been communicated to her multiple times — therefore, to persist is rude. Period.

Not as rude as not offering the guests food and drink. MIL did everyone a favor. OP should take note and learn something and avoid future faux pas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is stepping in because of OP’s weird, stringent food rules. If you have house guests, feed them. “We eat at 5” and not allowing food and drink otherwise is being a bad host.

Are you really unable to read? I have said numerous times that I am hosting houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour with appetizers and dinner, and the kitchen is open any time someone wants anything. But you tried it!

Oh yes, I see now that you posted almost this same exact comment earlier! There is no way that someone like you is the easy-going hostess you’re trying to portray yourself as. You’re being too controlling with what and when your houseguests can eat/drink. Your MIL feels the need to step in, apparently with good reason.

Nope. It’s not he house, she’s not the hostess and she is RUDE.

It's normal for several female family members to pitch in to help on a holiday. Your "rude" is other people's normal. If you really want all guests to stay away from handling any food or beverages, then hire a catering team. That serves food and beverages to guests the entire time. And dinner at a normal time. Then it's all solved rather than just blame everybody for starving or being thirsty or for offering those folks items.