My relationship advice: get an education, date only with an eye toward marriage, marry young (22-27)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

Do you have children yet? A baby at 27 would have changed you and the father, presumably for the better. Most men don't grow up until they have a kid. Women too. In retrospect I was so selfish and immature before my first.

My male cousin was an unemployed loser throughout his 20s. When he got his now wife pregnant at 27, he immediately went back to college (drop out) and enrolled in a nursing school program. 20 years later he makes like $400,000 in hospital administration. The responsibility and pressure of a child forces men and women grow up. All these childless 20 and 30-something men and women suffer from arrested development. It's an epidemic. Traveling, eating out, boozing, and binging on netflix and reality TV makes you shallow, self-absorbed, immature and narrow-minded. We were literally designed to have children in our 20s.

I’m from rural Pa. This is not at all my experience with people having kids in their late teens & early 20s. My sister had a baby at 21 and the father is MIA. She’d tell you it’s one of the biggest regrets of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AND no kids until you’ve been married for 5 years. Really get your spouses to see if they would make a good parent. Observe them.

The “marry young” part is for mutual wealth building.

I did all that. Got married at 24, worked on establishing our careers, planned to have kids around age 30, and navigated multiple job related relocations together. Then we got divorced at age 30 which was stunning and upsetting to me because he left me for someone else. I had just relocated to a mid-sized city in a red state with a major university because we both got good jobs here despite having some reservations. I had zero local support network when my marriage dissolved, and found it extremely hard to date as an educated professional woman in my 30s. I made friends, but most of my friends have families since it is the sort of town where people settle down to have kids younger, and I just feel so sad about not having my own family sometimes. Then the pandemic happened, and it was impossible for me to find a new job in my field because hiring froze during 2020-2021, and I was living alone in this town and dating got even weirder since people weren't socializing as much. The politics also got completely unhinged over the past few years here, especially during the 2020 election and I have felt very alienated at times.

Eventually I did meet someone new. I am now almost 35 and just got remarried a few months ago. We're relocating in a few months for a great new job opportunity. I still badly want kids, but I needed to get a new job and won't have maternity benefits for another year, so I probably won't have my first until 36 or 37. Meeting someone in my mid-30s put a ton more pressure on moving quickly, and it also put a ton of pressure on the relationship to need to search for a new job and put relocation on the table after we had really only been dating for a year. Also, as a guy in his 30s, he really didn't viscerally understand the fertility crunch and wanted to have kids "sometime" so we had to work through all that. Planning for kids has been on my mind since age 25, since my ex and I thought about it multiple times after getting married but the timing was never right and we felt like we had plenty of time. And yet I still don't have them.

So, sometimes life happens, and not as planned. My divorce was very painful, and I still feel behind in life milestones because of it. I wouldn't have made the same professional choices without my ex in my life, and while so far it seems to be working out ok, I still wonder what life would have been like had I not made certain compromises like moving to a town I don't love. If I'm being honest, I'm not 100% sure that I didn't rush into my new marriage out of fear of that window to have a family closing, and I'm not always sure that is a good thing.

Anyway, anyone who thinks they have all the answers for how to navigate life is just wrong. Divorce happens, as does illness, death, mental health crisis, and financial struggle. You can't plan for it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

Do you have children yet? A baby at 27 would have changed you and the father, presumably for the better. Most men don't grow up until they have a kid. Women too. In retrospect I was so selfish and immature before my first.

My male cousin was an unemployed loser throughout his 20s. When he got his now wife pregnant at 27, he immediately went back to college (drop out) and enrolled in a nursing school program. 20 years later he makes like $400,000 in hospital administration. The responsibility and pressure of a child forces men and women grow up. All these childless 20 and 30-something men and women suffer from arrested development. It's an epidemic. Traveling, eating out, boozing, and binging on netflix and reality TV makes you shallow, self-absorbed, immature and narrow-minded. We were literally designed to have children in our 20s.

please.. look at some of these posts on this forum about how the husband/father is out all night or doesn't lift a finger in the house.

[Anonymous]

there's no one size fits all approach. i married young, but we both changed a lot in our 20s, and got divorced in our mid 30s. what works for you doesn't necessarily work for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

Do you have children yet? A baby at 27 would have changed you and the father, presumably for the better. Most men don't grow up until they have a kid. Women too. In retrospect I was so selfish and immature before my first.

My male cousin was an unemployed loser throughout his 20s. When he got his now wife pregnant at 27, he immediately went back to college (drop out) and enrolled in a nursing school program. 20 years later he makes like $400,000 in hospital administration. The responsibility and pressure of a child forces men and women grow up. All these childless 20 and 30-something men and women suffer from arrested development. It's an epidemic. Traveling, eating out, boozing, and binging on netflix and reality TV makes you shallow, self-absorbed, immature and narrow-minded. We were literally designed to have children in our 20s.

I’m from rural Pa. This is not at all my experience with people having kids in their late teens & early 20s. My sister had a baby at 21 and the father is MIA. She’d tell you it’s one of the biggest regrets of her life.

This thread is on a DC message board, one of the wealthiest and most educated regions in the world. OP was pretty clearly referring to college-educated 22-27 year olds, not flunkies in some podunk town in hollowed out Appalachia. And you know that, so please stop trolling.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this for women but with adjusted numbers. 22 is too young for marriage IMO unless you were high school sweethearts, even then it's very young. More like 25-29 and wait ~3 years for kids. For men I think ages are more flexible due to the lack of urgency around fertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

Do you have children yet? A baby at 27 would have changed you and the father, presumably for the better. Most men don't grow up until they have a kid. Women too. In retrospect I was so selfish and immature before my first.

My male cousin was an unemployed loser throughout his 20s. When he got his now wife pregnant at 27, he immediately went back to college (drop out) and enrolled in a nursing school program. 20 years later he makes like $400,000 in hospital administration. The responsibility and pressure of a child forces men and women grow up. All these childless 20 and 30-something men and women suffer from arrested development. It's an epidemic. Traveling, eating out, boozing, and binging on netflix and reality TV makes you shallow, self-absorbed, immature and narrow-minded. We were literally designed to have children in our 20s.

please.. look at some of these posts on this forum about how the husband/father is out all night or doesn't lift a finger in the house.

Troll posts and outliers. Overall, a baby forces you to quickly grow up and plan ahead, especially in educated middle class and UMC orbits.

[Anonymous]

Young weddings shortly after college are so romantic and gorgeous. Babies in your early or mid 20s, your body bounces back immediately. Young hot parents with two white collar incomes, working from home, quickly buying a nice big house. It ought to be the dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice as a 52 yr old.. do not marry young. Most people are too immature to marry young, both women and men, but especially men. Better to get a higher paying job to build wealthy than rely on each other.

You can get jobs and build wealth as a couple as well. Just for starters, savings on housing expenses and tax burden. Its the kids who alter your path.

you can but, lots of 20 something yr olds are still too immature to get married. My sisters got married in their 20s, and tried to build wealth with their partners. They fought.. a lot.. because they were all too immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young weddings shortly after college are so romantic and gorgeous. Babies in your early or mid 20s, your body bounces back immediately. Young hot parents with two white collar incomes, working from home, quickly buying a nice big house. It ought to be the dream.

it's more like a fantasy, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Young weddings shortly after college are so romantic and gorgeous. Babies in your early or mid 20s, your body bounces back immediately. Young hot parents with two white collar incomes, working from home, quickly buying a nice big house. It ought to be the dream.

no, that's my nightmare. I wanted to travel and do things and build my career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should anyone care what your advice is? What are your qualifications?

Not OP but OP is as good as anyone else. If you cannot find the right person then don't just get married. But what I think OP is saying is that even at 22 you should be looking for the right person. Maybe you do not find the person. But if you do then you get married and young. In your 20s. You grow together which will build a deeper bond than getting married at 38, kids at 39 and 41. Yes you are still trying to find yourself but please you know yourself and if what will work is right in front of you -- you move.

Why do lots (not all but lots) of lawyers get married to their law school classmates? Same for med school. Look at match day --- there are so many more now that are doing couple match --- and then look at the number that are married. Why? Because they agree with OP.

Op is not wrong. But sometimes you do not meet that person and then you have no choice. People should be open to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young weddings shortly after college are so romantic and gorgeous. Babies in your early or mid 20s, your body bounces back immediately. Young hot parents with two white collar incomes, working from home, quickly buying a nice big house. It ought to be the dream.

no, that's my nightmare. I wanted to travel and do things and build my career.

Why? To what purpose? In PP's dream both have jobs and are doing their career and most likely travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

+1

My husband and I were both in serious relationships at 25, with other people. Sooo glad we opted to break up and found each other. We're the perfect match.

Also - you can build wealth on your own same as married. Just save money.

+1

No need to be married to build wealth. Enjoy your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't disagree with this more. If I married the guy I dated at 27, I'd be divorced and less well off than I am now. I had so much personal and professional growth between the ages of 27 and 33 (when I ultimately got married). I am a much better person now for having had that time to find myself. I would highly discourage my kids from marrying before 30.

Do you have children yet? A baby at 27 would have changed you and the father, presumably for the better. Most men don't grow up until they have a kid. Women too. In retrospect I was so selfish and immature before my first.

My male cousin was an unemployed loser throughout his 20s. When he got his now wife pregnant at 27, he immediately went back to college (drop out) and enrolled in a nursing school program. 20 years later he makes like $400,000 in hospital administration. The responsibility and pressure of a child forces men and women grow up. All these childless 20 and 30-something men and women suffer from arrested development. It's an epidemic. Traveling, eating out, boozing, and binging on netflix and reality TV makes you shallow, self-absorbed, immature and narrow-minded. We were literally designed to have children in our 20s.

I’m from rural Pa. This is not at all my experience with people having kids in their late teens & early 20s. My sister had a baby at 21 and the father is MIA. She’d tell you it’s one of the biggest regrets of her life.

This thread is on a DC message board, one of the wealthiest and most educated regions in the world. OP was pretty clearly referring to college-educated 22-27 year olds, not flunkies in some podunk town in hollowed out Appalachia. And you know that, so please stop trolling.

I’m aware, I live in Bethesda. The PP said her cousin was an “unemployed loser” and then started making $400,000. That’s completely unrealistic and rare in young pregnancy situations.