What to say to a family member who says “learn to take a joke”

[Anonymous]

Your “jokes” aren’t funny and I know you’re trying to bother me and criticize me. If you don’t start with the “jokes,” then we’re not going to be seeing each other any more, and I am not joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

My BIL has made up mean nicknames for my hometown, our summer house and two of my children. He thinks he’s funny. We have to see him next week. I am thinking of responding with a real loud obnoxious fake laugh each time he does it with a remark like “you are so funny. What a comedian!”

[Anonymous]

I understand the rationale behind other responses, but think what you say must flow from you. If you are not someone who enjoys cutting others verbally -- as pretty much everyone in our family does -- then you will be inflicting pain on yourself. I would go with brutal honesty because this is family. "That joke hurt. I dislike pain. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not required to listen. I don't want to start to dread seeing you, so I'll go now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the rationale behind other responses, but think what you say must flow from you. If you are not someone who enjoys cutting others verbally -- as pretty much everyone in our family does -- then you will be inflicting pain on yourself. I would go with brutal honesty because this is family. "That joke hurt. I dislike pain. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not required to listen. I don't want to start to dread seeing you, so I'll go now."

This is how a robot newly programmed to speak English would talk "I dislike pain" and "dread seeing you" nobody talks like this. Stop with the crap scripts.

[Anonymous]

“Aren’t you dead yet?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It works well to practice some super mean yet funny insults, deliver them, and then when he gets offended say "learn to take a joke."

Only approach that worked with my jerk uncle.

Don't tell them "it hurts you" because that's exactly what they want. Speak their mean nasty language back to them, and they will understand.

This. My relatives would laugh at me if I said "it hurts me."

Fighting like with like tends to work better and they will finally understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the rationale behind other responses, but think what you say must flow from you. If you are not someone who enjoys cutting others verbally -- as pretty much everyone in our family does -- then you will be inflicting pain on yourself. I would go with brutal honesty because this is family. "That joke hurt. I dislike pain. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not required to listen. I don't want to start to dread seeing you, so I'll go now."

Absolutely don't say this.

It's better to say nothing and then avoid them to say something like this, the jerk relatives will be making fun of you to your face for years.

Either practice an insulting cutting remark and say "can't you take a joke" afterwards, or just avoid the relative as much as humanly possible.

You could also share an embarrassing story about the relative, and then say "can't you take a joke?"

Let's just say my relative didn't like the story shared to all the younger members of the family about when he used a kkk robe to "joke" with coworkers in the 1980s. Didn't think anyone remembered that one, did he? Hasn't said one mean peep to me since. And I don't like being mean, this was just telling the truth.
Usually these jerks have some lifelong crappy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the rationale behind other responses, but think what you say must flow from you. If you are not someone who enjoys cutting others verbally -- as pretty much everyone in our family does -- then you will be inflicting pain on yourself. I would go with brutal honesty because this is family. "That joke hurt. I dislike pain. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not required to listen. I don't want to start to dread seeing you, so I'll go now."

Absolutely don't say this.

It's better to say nothing and then avoid them to say something like this, the jerk relatives will be making fun of you to your face for years.

Either practice an insulting cutting remark and say "can't you take a joke" afterwards, or just avoid the relative as much as humanly possible.

You could also share an embarrassing story about the relative, and then say "can't you take a joke?"

Let's just say my relative didn't like the story shared to all the younger members of the family about when he used a kkk robe to "joke" with coworkers in the 1980s. Didn't think anyone remembered that one, did he? Hasn't said one mean peep to me since. And I don't like being mean, this was just telling the truth.
Usually these jerks have some lifelong crappy behavior.

I guess you did a good thing by letting your younger relatives know about their racist family origins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Aren’t you dead yet?”

I mean, this delivered every time is hilarious, and if they sputter, just be like, “It’s a JOKE, can’t you take a joke? Get a sense of humor, I’m just JOKING, you useless bag of bones.”

[Anonymous]

You have a tiny dick and your wife is sleeping with someone else. Ha ha. Just joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

My BIL has made up mean nicknames for my hometown, our summer house and two of my children. He thinks he’s funny. We have to see him next week. I am thinking of responding with a real loud obnoxious fake laugh each time he does it with a remark like “you are so funny. What a comedian!”

Leaving aside the question of why you have to see him at all, I'd go with a little smile, shake of my head and, "Same SDE as always. Never change Larlo." Wait until he figures out what SDE is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the rationale behind other responses, but think what you say must flow from you. If you are not someone who enjoys cutting others verbally -- as pretty much everyone in our family does -- then you will be inflicting pain on yourself. I would go with brutal honesty because this is family. "That joke hurt. I dislike pain. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not required to listen. I don't want to start to dread seeing you, so I'll go now."

Absolutely don't say this.

It's better to say nothing and then avoid them to say something like this, the jerk relatives will be making fun of you to your face for years.

Either practice an insulting cutting remark and say "can't you take a joke" afterwards, or just avoid the relative as much as humanly possible.

You could also share an embarrassing story about the relative, and then say "can't you take a joke?"

Let's just say my relative didn't like the story shared to all the younger members of the family about when he used a kkk robe to "joke" with coworkers in the 1980s. Didn't think anyone remembered that one, did he? Hasn't said one mean peep to me since. And I don't like being mean, this was just telling the truth.
Usually these jerks have some lifelong crappy behavior.

I guess you did a good thing by letting your younger relatives know about their racist family origins.

As an added bonus, jerk relative hasn't said one mean "joke" about us to either my dh or myself since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Aren’t you dead yet?”

I mean, this delivered every time is hilarious, and if they sputter, just be like, “It’s a JOKE, can’t you take a joke? Get a sense of humor, I’m just JOKING, you useless bag of bones.”

No what you say as you giggle and smile is I am not joking. Takes them a couple
minutes to process

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Aren’t you dead yet?”

I love this one.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get mad, don’t get mean, don’t get earnest. Just be bored /inconvenienced — barely perceptible shake of the head, and move along

If he really pushes, just be matter of fact: I know you’re not going to change. You’re like that guy in the office who likes to quote last night’s sitcom: nothing will shake your belief that you’re funny and original. It’s important to X that we all get together, so here I am, and there you are, being you