What to say to a family member who says “learn to take a joke”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

This is excellent advice and can be quite satisfying. I do this with MIL and, while it doesn't stop the "jokes", it really takes the wind out of her sails to have to stop and explain. This is in the context of rude comments she makes about my husband (her son) and her husband behind their backs. It used to really flummox me, but now I just act like I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I would simply tell him to shut the F*(K up.

[Anonymous]

You set your boundary. You make it clear you don't find these jokes funny and you want it to stop. If the person insists you must :lighten up" then just spend less time. Step back until you find a comfort zone. Don't set together at family events. Don't hang out on your own. If the jokes continue, just give a deadpan face and excuse yourself to kitchen/bathroom/out the door.

[Anonymous]

Would be helpful to know what kind of “jokes” he makes.

[Anonymous]

He's probably right. Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

She said that his jokes are "rude, demeaning, and insulting," so he's not "right" and she needs to shut it down or ignore it.

Me, I'd ask for an explanation. "You look like you had a fight with the pantry and won! We'll have to roll you out of here, if you'll fit through the door."

"Just what do you mean, Uncle Joe? Does it make you feel swell to say that? It really doesn't make any sense."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably right. Lighten up.

shut up and go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

+1 this is what I’d do. Act dumb. ‘I don’t get it. What’s the joke?’ Then - without emotion- analyze the heck out of everything he says. Draw analogies that may be personal to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

+1 this is what I’d do. Act dumb. ‘I don’t get it. What’s the joke?’ Then - without emotion- analyze the heck out of everything he says. Draw analogies that may be personal to him.

NP - I like this!

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of people like this in my family. Different people require different responses.

To my mother, who has gotten passive aggressive and mean:
I calmly agree with her ridiculous rude comments and then make even worse ones up about myself until she looks blankly because she has no response.

To a different family member- after years of nasty and trying different things mentioned already, I just leave the room in silence or stay and completely ignore as if I didn’t hear.

[Anonymous]

Family or not, I think that if this kept happening I'd be done with seeing these people. Just because it is "family" does not mean I will waste my time or put myself in a position to feel awful. Instead, I'm done and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

I can't stand passive aggressive people like your family member.
I finally cut ties with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

+1 this is what I’d do. Act dumb. ‘I don’t get it. What’s the joke?’ Then - without emotion- analyze the heck out of everything he says. Draw analogies that may be personal to him.

Yup.

"I don't get it. What do you mean?" "Oh, but I still don't get it; why is that funny?" "Oh, gosh, I'm dense, can you explain the joke again"

[Anonymous]

"If you knew how to make a joke you'd see that I could take one just fine.

I suggest that you read up on that, and maybe on narcissism, too."

[Anonymous]

Here are some scripts, OP.

“that’s a dumb joke”
“Let’s joke about you. When was the last time you had a date/went to gym/did not hate yourself”
“that’s an ugly joke, just like your face/soul… oh come on, can’t take a joke”
“You must be very sad inside if you call this a joke”
“Did your mom/dad used to joke like this with you”
“Wow, your parent did a number in you”
“With joke like that, no wonder people avoid you/you can’t find a date/everybody pities you”

Give yourself permission to say something really mean and hurtful to him, he will make a stink about it, but will look for an easier target.