What to say to a family member who says “learn to take a joke”

[Anonymous]

“I see you haven’t gotten any funnier.”

Then walk away. Don’t engage in a debate if it’s funny or not.

[Anonymous]

I like to pause and stare at them for a beat. Then immediately turn to the person next to you and change the subject. If he says something else inappropriate you can pause, stare at him a beat, then say "thats awkward" and change the subject. Never debate someone like this. Go out of your way to make him feel ignored and dumb.

Basically, how would a witchy teenager deal with him? Channel that and destroy his ego. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to be funny next time.

This one wins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response to a family member like this was, "Learn to make one."

+1 or "You haven't told one."

Or flat out "shut up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to be funny next time.

this is a good response.

[Anonymous]

I really disagree with the suggestion to give back in kind. It will just lead him to believe that his behavior is justified. Don't snap back and don't make fun of him. I think your best options are:

1. After his joke, look at him calmly and then turn around and walk away. No reaction. No eyeroll, nothing. Just walk away. Often people who do stuff like this are looking for a reaction. Don't give it.

2. Challenge him, but calmly. "Why is that funny?" Or "I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?" Totally calm and in control. So he gets a reaction and a challenge, but it's not fighting fire with fire. It's fighting fire with sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

"Eff off" would probably work well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with the suggestion to give back in kind. It will just lead him to believe that his behavior is justified. Don't snap back and don't make fun of him. I think your best options are:

1. After his joke, look at him calmly and then turn around and walk away. No reaction. No eyeroll, nothing. Just walk away. Often people who do stuff like this are looking for a reaction. Don't give it.

2. Challenge him, but calmly. "Why is that funny?" Or "I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?" Totally calm and in control. So he gets a reaction and a challenge, but it's not fighting fire with fire. It's fighting fire with sand.

This.

Don’t engage, don’t give him any emotion to work with. I love the analogy of fighting fire with sand.

[Anonymous]

There was a book in the 1970s my mom sometimes quoted from, called something like “Games People Play.” This was one of the games they described.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would say:

Knock knock

(Who's there?)

Go F%* yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with the suggestion to give back in kind. It will just lead him to believe that his behavior is justified. Don't snap back and don't make fun of him. I think your best options are:

1. After his joke, look at him calmly and then turn around and walk away. No reaction. No eyeroll, nothing. Just walk away. Often people who do stuff like this are looking for a reaction. Don't give it.

2. Challenge him, but calmly. "Why is that funny?" Or "I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?" Totally calm and in control. So he gets a reaction and a challenge, but it's not fighting fire with fire. It's fighting fire with sand.

I am that pp. It really depends on the person. Tired everything in this thread and it didn't work. One nasty " funny" comment to the relative and he never did this to me again. Anything other than giving back in kind was seen as a weakness; this relative.never graduated from high school an dis blue collar, so that may have something to do with it. He's an insecure bully, and it's the only approach that worked for me. It's not the one I would start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

This is the right way.

Have him stammer through why its a joke. And when he wont be able to do it, he'll be embarassed.

All the other ways just satisfy his goal "learn to not be hurtful" or "i didn't know jokes were supposed to be rude" will only make him feel superior about himself.

You have to embarass him

[Anonymous]

Just snap at him really angrily, like “for f@&$’s sake, can you just stop.”

I did this to my passive aggressive “joke” making FIL once (though not on purpose; I basically reached my max and ended up snapping at him; I didn’t swear though). He is more careful around me since.

[Anonymous]

What are the jokes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response to a family member like this was, "Learn to make one."

This is great.