What to say to a family member who says “learn to take a joke”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with the suggestion to give back in kind. It will just lead him to believe that his behavior is justified. Don't snap back and don't make fun of him. I think your best options are:

1. After his joke, look at him calmly and then turn around and walk away. No reaction. No eyeroll, nothing. Just walk away. Often people who do stuff like this are looking for a reaction. Don't give it.

2. Challenge him, but calmly. "Why is that funny?" Or "I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?" Totally calm and in control. So he gets a reaction and a challenge, but it's not fighting fire with fire. It's fighting fire with sand.

I am that pp. It really depends on the person. Tired everything in this thread and it didn't work. One nasty " funny" comment to the relative and he never did this to me again. Anything other than giving back in kind was seen as a weakness; this relative.never graduated from high school an dis blue collar, so that may have something to do with it. He's an insecure bully, and it's the only approach that worked for me. It's not the one I would start with.

I agree. It's the most chicken sh*t form of passive aggressiveness when they do this. They're cowards who feel small. 99.9% of the time they can not take 10% of what they dish.

[Anonymous]

Learn how to make one!:”) and smirk

[Anonymous]

"Learn to tell one".

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who is like this and is also hypersensitive if she thinks she is getting insulted even through a joke. I spell it out. "Your jokes are not funny. You are using a joke as an excuse to give an insult. I am asking you to stop. If you don't stop, I will need to leave." She can fuss/complain/call me too sensitive or whatever. I gave warning. I gave a chance to change direction. If it continues I leave. When I keeps happening I put the person in time out and decline invites. The person who does this complains that nobody makes time for her. I remind her you get more bees with honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It works well to practice some super mean yet funny insults, deliver them, and then when he gets offended say "learn to take a joke."

Only approach that worked with my jerk uncle.

Don't tell them "it hurts you" because that's exactly what they want. Speak their mean nasty language back to them, and they will understand.

I agree. Saying you're hurt never, ever works. Hurting people is the entire point of their game. You've got to be cruel yourself: go for their weak points and twist the knife. It doesn't even have to be funny. It just needs to truly hurt him. Don't get physical. Just use your words. He might brush them off and attempt to laugh, but next time, he'll pick a different target.

[Anonymous]

As has already been said (and is dint read the whole thread), these “jokes” are actually aggression and you don’t have to take it.

“I understand jokes when they are funny. I don’t think they’re jokes when they’re filled with hate/judgment/are made to make someone feel
Bad.”

And walk away. Don’t engage further. If someone asks you anything just say you don’t engage with mean spirited behaviour, joking or otherwise.

“Just joking” is a common cover for people who are acting with ill intent. I’m a pretty tongue in cheek and joke-y person and I’ve never had to qualify to someone that it’s “just a joke”.

[Anonymous]

I ask people to repeat themselves. If they do, I don't respond. It disarms them or makes them appear extremely rude, and usually they get uncomfortable.

Many people will not repeat it though.

[Anonymous]

My father is exactly like this.

I’ve barely spoken with him in the last five years. I wish I had distanced myself this much sooner.

People like this are not worth your energy or time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Learn to tell one".

These lame comebacks only have a slight chance of working if everyone else agrees. If OP is the only who having a problem then everyone will just roll their eyes at her, like "there she goes again." But what are the jokes? Is OP the butt of the joke or is it something else? If OP is the only one who finds the jokes in bad taste there is nothing they can do about it. Trying to get preachy about it will just backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no control over what he says or does. Ignore him or leave or keep getting angry. Your choice.

Don’t ignore him! We need to stand up for ourselves to people like this. My STBX and his dad are like this. They think because I am a minority that they have a right to be demeaning to me. Seriously, my STBX actually told me that whites are a superior race. They were alway’s making crude racial jokes or remarks around me or to me. It is infuriating and I make it known that I don’t find it funny!

[Anonymous]

“Could you explain the joke to me? I’m not catching it”

A rude joke is impossible to explain without saying the incredibly rude part slowly and clearly, which then takes all the “Ha” out of it and leaves only the “huh”.

Then just say “huh” and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

Gray rock, OP. He's a bully and any engagement will be ugly if he can manage it. You can't change him. Asking him to stop or explaining it is hurtful, etc. just provides gratification to people like him ime.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Learn to tell one".

These lame comebacks only have a slight chance of working if everyone else agrees. If OP is the only who having a problem then everyone will just roll their eyes at her, like "there she goes again." But what are the jokes? Is OP the butt of the joke or is it something else? If OP is the only one who finds the jokes in bad taste there is nothing they can do about it. Trying to get preachy about it will just backfire.

This. Grey rock is the way to go.

The group is unlikely to support you challenging him, OP. They don't want to be his next target.

Ignore and do not engage. Don't stand next to him, sit next to him and walk away. That is winning. Having ANY illusion of changing him or "outdoing him and putting him in his place" is a fool's errand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are some scripts, OP.

“that’s a dumb joke”
“Let’s joke about you. When was the last time you had a date/went to gym/did not hate yourself”
“that’s an ugly joke, just like your face/soul… oh come on, can’t take a joke”
“You must be very sad inside if you call this a joke”
“Did your mom/dad used to joke like this with you”
“Wow, your parent did a number in you”
“With joke like that, no wonder people avoid you/you can’t find a date/everybody pities you”

Give yourself permission to say something really mean and hurtful to him, he will make a stink about it, but will look for an easier target.

Saying mean things about his parents will likely not be a hit at a family gathering.

The group will likely turn on OP bc they fear the bully.

I'd refuse to engage and avoid him. Act as though you did not hear him if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

I have family members like you and they are exhausting. There is a reason they aren't invited to many things anymore, it's too much work for all of us in the family to deal with their issues. Learn to take a joke. You take the fun out of everything.

found the family member! Look you are not funny. I'm sure the family members are happy not to be invited so they don't have to be around you!

LOL!