What to say to a family member who says “learn to take a joke”

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

[Anonymous]

Tell him: I don’t think it’s funny. Please keep these terrible remarks to yourself in my presence. I will not tolerate being spoke n to this way. If you speak to me like this again, I will leave. Then do it. You don’t want to be in their presence anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him: I don’t think it’s funny. Please keep these terrible remarks to yourself in my presence. I will not tolerate being spoke n to this way. If you speak to me like this again, I will leave. Then do it. You don’t want to be in their presence anyway.

+1

Abusive/deranged people learn early and often to call what they do to others a "joke" - don't let them.

[Anonymous]

Punch him in the nose and laugh. Jokes on him.

[Anonymous]

It works well to practice some super mean yet funny insults, deliver them, and then when he gets offended say "learn to take a joke."

Only approach that worked with my jerk uncle.

Don't tell them "it hurts you" because that's exactly what they want. Speak their mean nasty language back to them, and they will understand.

[Anonymous]

Try to be funny next time.

[Anonymous]

My response to a family member like this was, "Learn to make one."

[Anonymous]

You've gotten good advice so far, but one thing I wish I'd done when I had someone like this in my life was this:

Ask them to explain the joke. Act dumb about it ("Huh? I don't get it. Why is that funny?"). I think people who do this sort of thing are trying to get away with some sleight of hand, but if you force them to clearly lay out what they are doing, either it will be obvious that there is no joke or that the joke is offensive.

I was always too hurt/reactive to be analytical about what was happening, but now that I'm older and have more presence of mind, this is what I'd do. But I had to get to a point where I can't be so easily provoked by someone who tries to poke at one of my insecurities. I think people who do this often specifically target people who will have trouble with this. They are bullies.

[Anonymous]

You have no control over what he says or does. Ignore him or leave or keep getting angry. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

“F*** you, A******. Ha ha, just joking!”

[Anonymous]

He is a mean bully. Ask him why he is so insecure? Definitely call him out. Don't act hurt, tell him he is an A hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My response to a family member like this was, "Learn to make one."

this.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that jokes are meant to be offensive and alienating. I thank you for clarifying."

I learned from my southern MIL that the best way to shut someone down is to be overly nice and thank them for whatever you don't care to hear or process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

I have family members like you and they are exhausting. There is a reason they aren't invited to many things anymore, it's too much work for all of us in the family to deal with their issues. Learn to take a joke. You take the fun out of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who frequently says something rude, demeaning or insulting and then if you ask him to stop, or say that you are hurt or offended he makes out that you are the one in the wrong, that he’s just a joker and you don’t know how to take a joke. This has gone on for long enough that it fills me with rage to be told that I don’t have a sense of humor or need to learn to take a joke or I’m too sensitive. There’s nothing funny about these “jokes” and my sense of humor is just fine.

Do I just ignore the mean spirited “jokes” or is there a better approach I’m overlooking? Sharing that I find what he’s said to be mean and unfunny just makes him double down that I need to lighten up or get a sense of humor. Fortunately I don’t see this family member often but I have to see him next week and am dreading it.

You respond "learn how to not be a passive aggressive a**hole."