Continue relationship with neighbor kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel silly to admit this, but I feel duped or almost lied to by this family. Granted this is my fault because I assumed in my liberal area of NoVA that everyone thought like us. Small minded and dumb of me I know!

I’m just angry I guess that my kid still has to grow up in a world where people hate me and who I love.

Spiraling through the stages of grief right now.

— op

OP, please re-read your own post here. Try to step back from emotion and read it as if it were a stranger's post. Can you see how it sounds, to say you''re "angry" and in "grief" and that people (you mean, these neighbors) "hate" you--when they have, by your own admission, never once exhibited hate? And you are basing anger, grief and sadness at hate on a single car magnet? Can you see how you are extrapolating a vast amount of negativity about them based on nothing but an assumption of your own?

The bold, about feelling "duped or almost lied to" -- Did they say they're not religious and then they now admit they, what, sneaked off to church? They did not dupe or lie to you in any way at all. Unless you consider their cordial, neighborly behavior to be some kind of deception designed to draw you in and then--what exactly? Pounce on you and berate you? They have not done this.

You seem to be clinging to some kind of anticipatory defensiveness. I get that you have your guard up especially in today's polarized world (and I have an LGBTQ+ adult child, so...yeah, I get it). But you are contributing to the problem of intolerance when you turn your neighbors into a stereotype instead of seeing them as individuals, who have treated you in no way that dupes or offends you. You're seeing offense in advance of any offense actually occuring. You want them to see YOU as an individual and your child and partner as unique human beings. Afford them the same grace and don't make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

People make decisions that are best for them. This is not about you at all. Your family is not a factor in their decision making.

[Anonymous]

What I love about the responses here is that everyone assumes that how OP behaves toward her neighbor should be based on how the neighbor behaves toward OP and family.

If neighbor had been mean to the gay family, it would have been okay to have kids stop playing with them.

BUT BUT BUT since neighbor who sends kids to school who teaches that being gay is wrong is not openly horrible to the gay family, everyone here is saying OP should be tolerant and accept this family!

So the herero family gets to set up all the rules, even though they support an organization that negates OP’s family life, and OP should just accept them.

Like, if you’re a black family living next to a KKK family, and they have a noose out in their tree, but they are actually really quite nice to you personally, despite the ideas of the organization they belong to, you should definitely let your kids play together! They are so NICE! It’s YOU who are being intolerant, really!

What is the matter with you all? When people show you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I love about the responses here is that everyone assumes that how OP behaves toward her neighbor should be based on how the neighbor behaves toward OP and family.

If neighbor had been mean to the gay family, it would have been okay to have kids stop playing with them.

BUT BUT BUT since neighbor who sends kids to school who teaches that being gay is wrong is not openly horrible to the gay family, everyone here is saying OP should be tolerant and accept this family!

So the herero family gets to set up all the rules, even though they support an organization that negates OP’s family life, and OP should just accept them.

Like, if you’re a black family living next to a KKK family, and they have a noose out in their tree, but they are actually really quite nice to you personally, despite the ideas of the organization they belong to, you should definitely let your kids play together! They are so NICE! It’s YOU who are being intolerant, really!

What is the matter with you all? When people show you who they are, believe them.

The bold is where your whole idea falls apart. OP does not know--and you certainly can't--that they "support an organization that negates OP's family life." The entire point some have made here is that the neighbors may have many reasons OP doesn't know about, for sending a child to a particular school. You and OP both are making assumptions too that the neighbors support every tenet of the church affiliated with the school. Black-and-white, either/or thinking. You don't want others making assumptions about you but you're both free and clear to assume all you like about others.

"When people show you who they are, believe them." Sure. These neighbors have shown OP and her family only neighborly attention so far. You and OP want knee-jerk condemnation of them based on a car magnet and OP's Google search. If OP is concerned she can ask the neighbors but she won't -- it's easier simply to assume they're terrible and put walls around herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I love about the responses here is that everyone assumes that how OP behaves toward her neighbor should be based on how the neighbor behaves toward OP and family.

Yes, exactly.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

[Anonymous]

Also all OP has said is that this school supports "traditional" family values and reads the Bible daily . . . She did not get more specific than that and sorry that is in no way equivalent to the KKK.

[Anonymous]

What part of paying money to an organization that negates OPs gay lifestyle, sending their kids there to be indoctrinated, and putting the bumper sticker on your car to announce your affiliation with their beliefs means that they don’t support it to you? If you don’t support their restrictive teachings then don’t pay them money (which they will use to further promote those ideas) to teach those ideas to your kids. It’s not hard.

A person in my neighborhood is nice to me personally but is partly responsible for overturning Roe v Wade. We are never going to be buddies. It’s okay for me to make that decision myself, because our beliefs conflict. I don’t have to defer to them and let a friendship develop because they have been nice. I also get a choice.

[Anonymous]

People seem to think that it’s okay to send your kids to a school that teaches them to reject gay people is okay, as long as you are not openly hostile to your gay neighbors. It’s not.

You could always have a conversation about it if you’re not sure what this evangelical church teaches, but I’m not aware of a lot of evangelical churches being open to gay marriage.

[Anonymous]

Come. On. Anyone who thinks “traditional family values” doesn’t also mean anti gay marriage hasn’t ever had to deal with dogwhistles before.

Come. On.

[Anonymous]

You're looking for drama OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post shows the intolerance of the supposedly tolerant. Bring raised Unitarian Universalist, I’m more of an expert on that than most.

You're mixing up two things. Being tolerant of another religion is great. Being afraid of someone of a religion that explicitly states that your lifestyle is sinful and can go as far as to say you don't deserve to even live is totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess OP wouldn't want to socialize with conservative Muslims or Jewish people.

Nah, what am I thinking? It's not cool to say that. It's only ok if the offending family is Christian.

If conservative Muslims or Jewish people told OP that her lifestyle was abhorrent and she was an abomination and she should be stoned to death, then yeah, I bet she wouldn't want to socialize with them. Maybe it's because this is DCUM so most people lean left, but I think you are wildly underestimating how much hate certain people have for the LGBTQ+ community.

Why is it that when someone from a marginalized group says they feel concerned about or afraid of some people because those people have a history of horrific actions against that group people like to dismiss it? Why can't you just accept OP's perspective as someone who is part of a group that you aren't (note that most gay parents who have chimed in understand where OP is coming from)? I'm not gay, and I'm not black, and I'm not Muslim, and I'm not a lot of things, but when someone who is gay or black or Muslim or whatever tells me that they're concerned because their neighbors are affiliated with a group of people who think they should die, I listen and sympathize, I don't call them intolerant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense. How do you know what they believe? I teach at church and my son’s best friend has two moms. It makes literally no difference to us.

What does your church's doctrine say? It's probably on their website. Does it say that they believe marriage is between a man and a woman? I bet it does. So you say you don't believe that, fine. But you align yourself with an organization that does. So until you say otherwise, is it really a huge stretch to think that you believe what the church you choose to go to believes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I love about the responses here is that everyone assumes that how OP behaves toward her neighbor should be based on how the neighbor behaves toward OP and family.

If neighbor had been mean to the gay family, it would have been okay to have kids stop playing with them.

BUT BUT BUT since neighbor who sends kids to school who teaches that being gay is wrong is not openly horrible to the gay family, everyone here is saying OP should be tolerant and accept this family!

So the herero family gets to set up all the rules, even though they support an organization that negates OP’s family life, and OP should just accept them.

Like, if you’re a black family living next to a KKK family, and they have a noose out in their tree, but they are actually really quite nice to you personally, despite the ideas of the organization they belong to, you should definitely let your kids play together! They are so NICE! It’s YOU who are being intolerant, really!

What is the matter with you all? When people show you who they are, believe them.

The bold is where your whole idea falls apart. OP does not know--and you certainly can't--that they "support an organization that negates OP's family life." The entire point some have made here is that the neighbors may have many reasons OP doesn't know about, for sending a child to a particular school. You and OP both are making assumptions too that the neighbors support every tenet of the church affiliated with the school. Black-and-white, either/or thinking. You don't want others making assumptions about you but you're both free and clear to assume all you like about others.

"When people show you who they are, believe them." Sure. These neighbors have shown OP and her family only neighborly attention so far. You and OP want knee-jerk condemnation of them based on a car magnet and OP's Google search. If OP is concerned she can ask the neighbors but she won't -- it's easier simply to assume they're terrible and put walls around herself.

DP. They pay tuition to a school that is attached to a church that negates OP's family life. I mean, what more are you looking for? Read the statement for Trinity Christian School - they believe people are born a single gender and that's the end of the story. They believe marriage is between a man and a woman, period. There are a billion private schools in NoVA. That someone chooses to pay tuition to that particular school and not any of the others in the same area for the same price says something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I love about the responses here is that everyone assumes that how OP behaves toward her neighbor should be based on how the neighbor behaves toward OP and family.

If neighbor had been mean to the gay family, it would have been okay to have kids stop playing with them.

BUT BUT BUT since neighbor who sends kids to school who teaches that being gay is wrong is not openly horrible to the gay family, everyone here is saying OP should be tolerant and accept this family!

So the herero family gets to set up all the rules, even though they support an organization that negates OP’s family life, and OP should just accept them.

Like, if you’re a black family living next to a KKK family, and they have a noose out in their tree, but they are actually really quite nice to you personally, despite the ideas of the organization they belong to, you should definitely let your kids play together! They are so NICE! It’s YOU who are being intolerant, really!

What is the matter with you all? When people show you who they are, believe them.

The bold is where your whole idea falls apart. OP does not know--and you certainly can't--that they "support an organization that negates OP's family life." The entire point some have made here is that the neighbors may have many reasons OP doesn't know about, for sending a child to a particular school. You and OP both are making assumptions too that the neighbors support every tenet of the church affiliated with the school. Black-and-white, either/or thinking. You don't want others making assumptions about you but you're both free and clear to assume all you like about others.

"When people show you who they are, believe them." Sure. These neighbors have shown OP and her family only neighborly attention so far. You and OP want knee-jerk condemnation of them based on a car magnet and OP's Google search. If OP is concerned she can ask the neighbors but she won't -- it's easier simply to assume they're terrible and put walls around herself.

DP. They pay tuition to a school that is attached to a church that negates OP's family life. I mean, what more are you looking for? Read the statement for Trinity Christian School - they believe people are born a single gender and that's the end of the story. They believe marriage is between a man and a woman, period. There are a billion private schools in NoVA. That someone chooses to pay tuition to that particular school and not any of the others in the same area for the same price says something.

Your therapist lovesssss your business if you take personal offense with everyone who has a different religion than you.