Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your initial post indicates clearly you did not trust her, or respect her. You also thought only of yourself, and not how your actions might affect others.

I think this is what you need to do introspection about, OP. You are still focused on the impact to YOU but minimizing the impact to others. Maybe brainstorm and jot dow how you think this affected your friend, her child, your child and hte nanny and make a list for each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is how the nanny reacted then she already wanted to quit. This was a last straw. Nobody would do this in a good working arrangement.

Agree. I think the OP made a mistake, but if the nanny cared about the job she could have brought up the issue to both the share parents.

+2

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is why having a nanny makes me so uncomfortable. Yes, OP is 100% in the wrong, but it’s a little scary to be so dependent am on employee that you don’t feel like you can hold them accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

+ a million not just asking for the note, but also the inability to see how much this crossed a line and how she totally screwed her friend over

[Anonymous]

There are multiple indirect signs that you lack social skills, at best, or have some type of high-functioning autism, at worse. Not to worry, plenty of gainfully employed adults have HFA, it just makes interpersonal relationships a little harder. My husband and son have HFA, and they don't have friends. My husband has had multiple conflicts at work due to his poor reading of colleagues and bosses. He's very rigid and tries to apply rules to every situation, which is also how you came a cropper. You must be less affected if you do have friends, which is a relief. Perhaps your husband can take the lead in social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple indirect signs that you lack social skills, at best, or have some type of high-functioning autism, at worse. Not to worry, plenty of gainfully employed adults have HFA, it just makes interpersonal relationships a little harder. My husband and son have HFA, and they don't have friends. My husband has had multiple conflicts at work due to his poor reading of colleagues and bosses. He's very rigid and tries to apply rules to every situation, which is also how you came a cropper. You must be less affected if you do have friends, which is a relief. Perhaps your husband can take the lead in social situations.

Oh my... not everything is HFA. You sound pretty horrible too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is why having a nanny makes me so uncomfortable. Yes, OP is 100% in the wrong, but it’s a little scary to be so dependent am on employee that you don’t feel like you can hold them accountable.

That’s right, you can’t. The only thing you can do is find someone who is responsible by nature and treat them right. Increase pay, give autonomy. Yes some will abuse this. But some will be grateful. I don’t know any other way

[Anonymous]

You definitely messed up. Asking for the Dr note was completely out of line. As for the friendship, sounds like the nanny share with you wasn't going smoothly if they are so quick to look for a center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple indirect signs that you lack social skills, at best, or have some type of high-functioning autism, at worse. Not to worry, plenty of gainfully employed adults have HFA, it just makes interpersonal relationships a little harder. My husband and son have HFA, and they don't have friends. My husband has had multiple conflicts at work due to his poor reading of colleagues and bosses. He's very rigid and tries to apply rules to every situation, which is also how you came a cropper. You must be less affected if you do have friends, which is a relief. Perhaps your husband can take the lead in social situations.

Actually the op is probably not less affected since she clearly struggles in the friend department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised nobody has mentioned - maybe the nanny was faking sick.

No - the nanny brought the doctor's note with her resignation letter.

[Anonymous]

Did you discuss with your friend that you suspected the “babysitter” might be lying?

[Anonymous]

Nanny here - I don’t think it’s unreasonable to require a note for 3 days of illness, if it’s paid time off. I think this was the last straw for your nanny. Two weeks be year olds are a lot of work. Things were much easier before the babies were mobile and I suspect your nanny was looking for a way out, and you gave it to her.

[Anonymous]

*Two one year olds

[Anonymous]

She had strep and you demanded a note?? Team nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple indirect signs that you lack social skills, at best, or have some type of high-functioning autism, at worse. Not to worry, plenty of gainfully employed adults have HFA, it just makes interpersonal relationships a little harder. My husband and son have HFA, and they don't have friends. My husband has had multiple conflicts at work due to his poor reading of colleagues and bosses. He's very rigid and tries to apply rules to every situation, which is also how you came a cropper. You must be less affected if you do have friends, which is a relief. Perhaps your husband can take the lead in social situations.

Oh my... not everything is HFA. You sound pretty horrible too.

PP you replied to. Because it's ingrained in you that mentioning autism is an insult? Because you believe that special needs are somehow "shameful"? Be careful what you're implying here.

I live with two people with HFA, PP. I don't have the luxury of feeling shame, or think it's somehow an insult to talk about it to someone else who may not realize they have issues in socio-emotional communication.

I am pointing out the facts: that there are red flags here, and OP might need to think about whether this is a one-off or whether she tends to push people away with overly rigid or misapplied rules.