Opinions on family rift and accepting apology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP dad is a jerk. He s gaslighting your cousin.

Do you know what gaslighting means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad’s a jerk.

This. I cannot believe he kept the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad’s a jerk.

Your Dad was wrong and amending the situation would take far more than a verbal apology. When people get old, they don't keep tolerating bad behavior, they cut the toxic relatives off. It's so very common for families to split and be estranged forever. It's better. Let sleeping dogs sleep.

[Anonymous]

Some posters to this thread need to practice their reading comprehension and re-read the OP’s posts. She hasn’t contradicted herself and is not being a troll.

OP - I think the additional context you provided is helpful for some to give advice, but it doesn’t change mine. I agree with those who said you need to decide what type of relationship YOU are comfortable with having with her/other cousins. You can’t control your dad or step mom’s relationship with her/them.

If you do proceed, you might want to be forthright about some boundaries. For example, saying you will not discuss anything about your dad or step mom. There may be other boundaries you don’t have to address forthright but want to think about heading into a repair of the cousin relationship. For me, I would be very cautious given her extreme behavior previously. Making things up and trying to get your dad arrested is a huge concern, even if she provided a heartfelt apology later. That is just beyond poor judgment and you need to think about the risks that she may pose by re-establishing a relationship. This sounds like an awful situation all around, and I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I don't see this being resolved. Your uncle left a lot of money to his well-off brother when when he should have left it to his family- and your dad shouldn't have accepted it--it was morally wrong for him to accept it. Yes it sounds like your cousin shouldn't have lashed out by trying to have your dad arrested, but her anger is valid. I'm sure your stepmom is happy receiving money she's not entitled to, from someone she's not related to, at the expense of the person who lost both parents and should have received it.
It's not a resolvable situation.

In a nutshell - I agree.

[Anonymous]

ii think people can leave money to whoever they want. in this case, if borrower-brother wanted to pay back lender-brother, then he should be able to do that. it doesn't matter what the cousin or the rest of the family think.

by the OP's admission the lender-brother got a few million, lets say 3. that leaves 12 for the rest of the family. they wouldn't have had the 12 if it wasn't for lender-brother.

i think the cousin trying to have dad arrested goes beyond the forgivable. i mean they could forgive, for their own sakes, but i would not engage with crazy cousin ever again. i think that OP should steer clear, as well, or at most be friendly but keep cousin at arm's length.

[Anonymous]

I think if she was able to forgive your dad for keeping money that he shouldn't have, then he should forgive her for lashing out, no matter what she said. It sounds awful to me that he kept the money - it's very possible that his brother had an old will or something and never got around to changing it. But regardless, I don't blame her for being angry, and think that the least your dad can do is forgive, since he wronged her in a much more tangible way than just some verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad’s a jerk.

This. I cannot believe he kept the money.

That was his brother's wish.
100% he should keep and not feel shamed or guilty either.
What part of its not the niece's money do you not understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad’s a jerk.

Your Dad was wrong and amending the situation would take far more than a verbal apology. When people get old, they don't keep tolerating bad behavior, they cut the toxic relatives off. It's so very common for families to split and be estranged forever. It's better. Let sleeping dogs sleep.

It's "let sleeping dogs lie". 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ii think people can leave money to whoever they want. in this case, if borrower-brother wanted to pay back lender-brother, then he should be able to do that. it doesn't matter what the cousin or the rest of the family think.

by the OP's admission the lender-brother got a few million, lets say 3. that leaves 12 for the rest of the family. they wouldn't have had the 12 if it wasn't for lender-brother.

i think the cousin trying to have dad arrested goes beyond the forgivable. i mean they could forgive, for their own sakes, but i would not engage with crazy cousin ever again. i think that OP should steer clear, as well, or at most be friendly but keep cousin at arm's length.

I'm sorry, I must've missed this whole borrower/lender update from OP... do you know what page she mentioned this on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad’s a jerk.

+1