Opinions on family rift and accepting apology

[Anonymous]

I don't think the cousin said things just because she was hurt her parents died. It's common to leave your money to your spouse, and then for it to go down to your children. Not to your rich siblings.

Everyone gets to have their own relationships. You can have a relationship with your cousin. Your dad can have a relationship with his niece. Your stepmom can choose to NOT have a relationship with your cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

Your dad sucks. And it sounds like your stepmom does too. That's what I think.

What if uncle had a good reason for not leaving the money to his family? I mean, that's a bold decision to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I cannot imagine how the bolded is true. Your father sounds like he has participated in this situation and made choices all along. Why is it now suddenly your stepmom pulling the strings and dad unable to accept an apology he actually wants?

[Anonymous]

Your Dad and Step-Mom don't need to forgive. It sounds like your cousin tried to have your Dad arrested! That's crazy and a big deal! I'm not sure I could forgive someone who did that to my Dad. She was grieving but that doesn't give you a pass to break the law. Its good that she's gone to therapy and apologized. But that doesn't mean everything is just wiped away. That's part of learning the consequences of your actions. People are not under an obligation to accept your apology.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. To clear up a couple points. He left about 20% of his estate to my dad. He did it because my dad loaned him money years ago to start his business, which became very successful. He was basically paying my dad back with interest.

[Anonymous]

Were your uncle's children minors when he died? If so, yeah, your dad sucks.

If they were adults, and uncle's wife was left enough to live comfortably on, then no judgment but I think you should stay out of it. It doesn't involve you. If you want a relationship with your cousin, go ahead, but don't get involved between her and your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To clear up a couple points. He left about 20% of his estate to my dad. He did it because my dad loaned him money years ago to start his business, which became very successful. He was basically paying my dad back with interest.

Where did the other 80% go?

[Anonymous]

Now it’s clear he was paying back a loan but in the OP you said it wasn’t entirely clear? Did you suddenly remember?

[Anonymous]

Your follow up changes everything. At first you made it sound like it was most of the money and for no apparent reason. Now none of that is correct, according to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To clear up a couple points. He left about 20% of his estate to my dad. He did it because my dad loaned him money years ago to start his business, which became very successful. He was basically paying my dad back with interest.

Troll fail. You said he left most of the money to your dad. Now it’s 20%? Find something better to do on a Saturday night, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To clear up a couple points. He left about 20% of his estate to my dad. He did it because my dad loaned him money years ago to start his business, which became very successful. He was basically paying my dad back with interest.

It would have helped to lead with that-- your post made it sound like your uncle left a larger portion to your dad for no good reason. In a case like this, I would have your own relationship with your cousin and leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

As the inheritor of a family feud, YES, please OP, forgive her.

Your cousin apologized, which is a very big deal. Few people are capable of it, and certainly no one in my family! You have been given the power to start afresh, wipe the slate clean, and renew contact for the sake of future generations. Please take it.

My cousin and I have made overtures over many years to my other cousin, who at a young age cut off everyone on her father's side of the family, because of a long-running inheritance battle: her father lost a court case and was found guilty of stealing from his sisters' portion (my mother and aunts). Despite the undeniable fact that her father is to blame, she feels cheated, and has declared we're all dead to her. It's extremely sad I cannot see her again or meet her children. We used to have such good fun as kids!

[Anonymous]

Your dad had the choice of accepting the money or having a relationship with his brothers family. He chose money. He may not have been morally obligated to give up the money, but no way should he have expected his brothers family to be happy for him to keep it. There was always going to be a rift in the family once he kept the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I don't see this being resolved. Your uncle left a lot of money to his well-off brother when when he should have left it to his family- and your dad shouldn't have accepted it--it was morally wrong for him to accept it. Yes it sounds like your cousin shouldn't have lashed out by trying to have your dad arrested, but her anger is valid. I'm sure your stepmom is happy receiving money she's not entitled to, from someone she's not related to, at the expense of the person who lost both parents and should have received it.
It's not a resolvable situation.

Nope. There is no “should” and no “morally wrong” here — well, except for the disgusting person who lied about a crime because they were possed about money that wasn’t theirs and they were never entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I don't see this being resolved. Your uncle left a lot of money to his well-off brother when when he should have left it to his family- and your dad shouldn't have accepted it--it was morally wrong for him to accept it. Yes it sounds like your cousin shouldn't have lashed out by trying to have your dad arrested, but her anger is valid. I'm sure your stepmom is happy receiving money she's not entitled to, from someone she's not related to, at the expense of the person who lost both parents and should have received it.
It's not a resolvable situation.

Nope. There is no “should” and no “morally wrong” here — well, except for the disgusting person who lied about a crime because they were possed about money that wasn’t theirs and they were never entitled to.

The troll is also wrong. Are you disgusted by that too?