Opinions on family rift and accepting apology

[Anonymous]

Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I don't see this being resolved. Your uncle left a lot of money to his well-off brother when when he should have left it to his family- and your dad shouldn't have accepted it--it was morally wrong for him to accept it. Yes it sounds like your cousin shouldn't have lashed out by trying to have your dad arrested, but her anger is valid. I'm sure your stepmom is happy receiving money she's not entitled to, from someone she's not related to, at the expense of the person who lost both parents and should have received it.
It's not a resolvable situation.

[Anonymous]

Your dad’s a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why she would apologize. And I think it's rich that your greedy family is either in a state of thinking about accepting an apology you won't deserve or not considering it at all. It's shocking you all felt one was necessary in the first place.

[Anonymous]

That would have to be some hell of an apology from your cousin. Your stepmom is clearly still very hurt, but she also can’t control who your father forgives.

[Anonymous]

I would be curious to know why the money wasn't left to the wife/kids in the first place... feels like there is a good chunk of the story missing.

[Anonymous]

Your stepmom has no business saying anything here. She’s forbade her husband from talking to his niece??? Really? That’s mighty bold of her. She’s benefited from her husband’s inheritance. She needs to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

I don't see this being resolved. Your uncle left a lot of money to his well-off brother when when he should have left it to his family- and your dad shouldn't have accepted it--it was morally wrong for him to accept it. Yes it sounds like your cousin shouldn't have lashed out by trying to have your dad arrested, but her anger is valid. I'm sure your stepmom is happy receiving money she's not entitled to, from someone she's not related to, at the expense of the person who lost both parents and should have received it.
It's not a resolvable situation.

Totally disagree with this. People can leave money to anyone they want to. You have no idea why the uncle chose to do what he did; how dare you say that he "should have" left it to someone else. Maybe he was completely wrong in doing so, but it was his choice and you, PP, have no right to second guess that.

Having said that, I do think that OP's dad is being a jerk in how he's handled this entire situation. It also doesn't work to blame the stepmom. Dad has his own voice.

[Anonymous]

OP you're an adult, I assume. You should make your own decision independent of your father/step mother. Do you want to reconnect with cousin? If so, make moves in that direction. Only you can decide if you are capable of forgiving her.

The $ situation is out of your hands; your dad & his brother created that set of circumstances (and I am guessing we don't know the full story).

[Anonymous]

If it was his money, then he can give it to whoever he wants. Of course as the wife/kids, I’d feel hurt as to why he gave that much to the uncle, but ultimately that was the uncle’s choice. And your dad is under no moral obligation to give the money he got away.

It’s hard to be falsely accused of a crime but I do think he should consider the heartfelt apology given the difficult circumstance. The stepmom can choose not to forgive but should not control your dad. You can on your own reach out to your cousin and try to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be curious to know why the money wasn't left to the wife/kids in the first place... feels like there is a good chunk of the story missing.

This, but I would not accept the apology fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was his money, then he can give it to whoever he wants. Of course as the wife/kids, I’d feel hurt as to why he gave that much to the uncle, but ultimately that was the uncle’s choice. And your dad is under no moral obligation to give the money he got away.

It’s hard to be falsely accused of a crime but I do think he should consider the heartfelt apology given the difficult circumstance. The stepmom can choose not to forgive but should not control your dad. You can on your own reach out to your cousin and try to reconnect.

If I'm OP's dad, I'm wondering why the sudden change of heart and what the nice/cousin wants.

[Anonymous]

I would stay out of it. They are adults and it’s their business. Have a relationship with your cousin if you want but don’t try to repair her relationship with your dad. It’s between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me try to make a very long story short. My uncle, my dad’s brother, passed away about 10 years ago very unexpectedly. He left a good amount of money to my dad vs. leaving everything to his wife and kids (my aunt/cousins). It’s not entirely clear why he did this since my dad is about just as well off as he was, but he did. The suggestion was made that my dad should not keep the money and give it back to my aunt and cousins but he ignored it and kept the money. About 5 years ago my aunt passed away (she was only 60) and one my cousins started to really resent my dad for taking money she believed was rightfully hers. She said some really, really horrible things to my dad and step mother, and from then on there has been a major rift in the family and our two sides have not really spoken or seen one another since. It’s really sad because our family had always been very close, and give that my cousins’ parents both passed we would have loved to stay close with them.

I know my cousin said what she did out of pain for losing both of her parents, and while I know it will never be forgotten, I think I would be willing to forgive her and move on just to keep the family together. After significant therapy she issued what I consider to be a heartfelt apology to my dad, but he will not accept it or talk to her and told her to never contact her again. I happen to know that my dad would be willing to forgive her, but my step mom will not and has forbade my did from talking to her and hearing her out.

I am just curious what others think about this situation. If someone said and did horrendous things would you ever be willing to forgive them and move on?

I can’t fully explain what she said/did, but let’s just say it involved saying some nasty things about my step mom and accusing my dad of a crime and trying to get him arrested (which didn’t happen since her story was fabricated).

Your dad sucks. And it sounds like your stepmom does too. That's what I think.

[Anonymous]

Your dad has continued to be selfish and make this fued worse. Recognize the source of the problem here. Make amends yourself. Don't expect your dad to do the right thing.