Boyfriend is upset/sad that I am taking a bucket list trip with my sister

[Anonymous]

Oh the mopey when he doesn't get his way update makes me more likely to tell you to dump him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm back.

To answer a few questions:

He's only met my sister twice - at Christmas and we did a double date with her husband last month. So no, he does not know here that well, but he does know that we are close. My sister and I have taken a lot of trips together over the years, so we are compatible traveling partners. She's a blast to travel with.

The new BF? IDK if he is fun to travel with. Traveling with BFs reveals a lot about someone and at 6 months, I'm not ready to take a trip to Japan with him. A long weekend trip to New York, sure. But Japan, no! Not yet anyway.

My sister and her husband paid for this trip already. I'm paying a couple hundred bucks to my sister for the airline fees. They are pretty well-off with no children. Some of these hotels were paid for in points by my sister.

I told my sister what my BF's reaction to this trip was - about how he wanted to tag along and she couldn't believe he had the balls to crash her vacation to Japan (which he has no interest in seeing!) - she laughed and said his reaction is a huge red flag.

Yes, he is both upset and sad at this. He is still acting mopey and moody today (well, over text, I haven't seen him today).

I am 35 and my sister is 40. BF is 40 as well. I do enjoy spending time with him but as these 6 months have went on, I have noticed him being mopey whenever he doesn't get his way, which is annoying.

I said I wouldn't dump him but given this update, I probably would. Who needs a 40yo sulky child in their life? You and your sister sound fun! Have a wonderful trip.

[Anonymous]

OP you say he's 40? What's his story? Never married? Divorced? Kids or no?

[Anonymous]

He didn't overreact. He showed you who he is. Our bad behavior is every bit as much of who we are as our good behavior, so don't make excuses for it and be glad he's showing who he is now.

I get him being bummed or even a bit jealous that you get this amazing travel opportunity. But as someone mentioned early on, those are his feelings to manage, not yours. It can be hard having an SO have an amazing experience without you, but you keep that to yourself and are nothing but excited for them. Anything else wreaks of control issues and a lack of emotional maturity.

[Anonymous]

Have you listed even one reason to stay with this guy? I don't think so. Maybe he's super hot, but even that gets eroded by constant moping about man-baby sh*t.

In a big way, though, you are fortunate to have this problem now. 6 months is long enough to know how you feel about a relationship at least in broad strokes, and this seems like the sort of incident that really sways things in the direction of breaking up before you move in together or have a baby or something else more permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm back.

To answer a few questions:

He's only met my sister twice - at Christmas and we did a double date with her husband last month. So no, he does not know here that well, but he does know that we are close. My sister and I have taken a lot of trips together over the years, so we are compatible traveling partners. She's a blast to travel with.

The new BF? IDK if he is fun to travel with. Traveling with BFs reveals a lot about someone and at 6 months, I'm not ready to take a trip to Japan with him. A long weekend trip to New York, sure. But Japan, no! Not yet anyway.

My sister and her husband paid for this trip already. I'm paying a couple hundred bucks to my sister for the airline fees. They are pretty well-off with no children. Some of these hotels were paid for in points by my sister.

I told my sister what my BF's reaction to this trip was - about how he wanted to tag along and she couldn't believe he had the balls to crash her vacation to Japan (which he has no interest in seeing!) - she laughed and said his reaction is a huge red flag.

Yes, he is both upset and sad at this. He is still acting mopey and moody today (well, over text, I haven't seen him today).

I am 35 and my sister is 40. BF is 40 as well. I do enjoy spending time with him but as these 6 months have went on, I have noticed him being mopey whenever he doesn't get his way, which is annoying.

I said I wouldn't dump him but given this update, I probably would. Who needs a 40yo sulky child in their life? You and your sister sound fun! Have a wonderful trip.

+1 He's being totally unreasonable. With the mopey-ness, DTMF.

[Anonymous]

I think your bf is acting like a child. When I read ‘bucket list’ trip I assumed it was Antarctica. Really? Japan? Has he never left the US? He can go to japan on his own.

[Anonymous]

Dump him and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn't overreact. He showed you who he is. Our bad behavior is every bit as much of who we are as our good behavior, so don't make excuses for it and be glad he's showing who he is now.

I get him being bummed or even a bit jealous that you get this amazing travel opportunity. But as someone mentioned early on, those are his feelings to manage, not yours. It can be hard having an SO have an amazing experience without you, but you keep that to yourself and are nothing but excited for them. Anything else wreaks of control issues and a lack of emotional maturity.

Bad behavior is outward display of unmet needs. His need (codependence and control) are not your responsibility. It would have been within reason for him to have been jealous of your opportunity, but it's not reasonable for him to try to control the situation. This is a major relationship red flag. If you really love him and want a future together, be prepared for putting in work to live with/re-educate these tendencies

[Anonymous]

He's acting like this as a 40 yo? Dump him asap. Based on initial post I thought early 20s immaturity at play with other responses being overly harsh. Nope. They were all on point. This is a man-baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister invited me on a trip to Japan with her, leaving at the end of March, for 2 weeks. Initially, her husband was supposed to go with her, but he has to take an international business trip for 2 months to Germany. He found out that he had to travel there last week and is leaving March 15. So he obviously can't go on their Japan trip. My sister asked me if I wanted to go with her - and HELL YES I DO! Not only have I always wanted to go Japan, but I'm likely going to be there during CHERRY BLOSSOM SEASON!! (Can you tell how excited I am??!!!) She just simply asked me to pay her cancellation fee on the ticket and she will use the credit she got to re-book a ticket in my name.

When she offered this to me, I told her yes and she went ahead and re-booked the ticket in my name. I told my boyfriend (of 6 months) about this last minute trip to Japan and he looked crushed. His main points of contention -

1.) He said he wished that my sister would've invited him along too --even though he also mentioned that Japan wasn't high on his list - "She should've invited us both, not just you. I would've paid my own way."
I mean, WHAT? Plus, the hotel situation - rooms are all booked for 2 people and my sister and I are likely going to have to share a bed, which is fine. There is no room for another person, or she'd have to re-plan the whole trip to get three adults in a room (which I imagine might not be easy in Japan)

2.) We haven't been on a vacation yet and now I'm using most of my 2023 PTO on this trip. "When will we have time for a trip for US?"
I can understand this but we've only been dating for 6 months. What if I had planned this trip with her before I met him?


3.) We won't see each other for 2 weeks!!!!
Oh noes.

I think he's acting like a baby and a little bit controlling. Life is short - chances like this don't come up that often and I'm taking it. I feel like dumping him but he might just have overreacted in the moment. Any thoughts?

Just go to Japan and have fun. AMAZING!!

It's clear you really aren't really that interested in your boyfriend or you'd just want to stay or just naturally want to include him. Be free and also set him free so he can find someone who is ready for the next level like he is. Although he'll likely decide this for himself - men have short windows when it comes to agreeing to commit...

On a side note, you may be a single-by-choice lifer. This is becoming more common. In the lifestyle, you can do what you want and when you want! You can buy your own flowers as Miley would say...

Shut up!

+1
I've been married many decades. His behavior doesn't indicate that he would be mature enough for a long term commitment. Sometimes these types if litmus tests come into your life. OP would be wise to keep an eye on her relationship and move on if she needs to. That's being smart in seeking out a long term partner, not as you snidely put it choosing to be a "single-by-choice lifer."

Respectfully you are likely multiple generations ahead of OP. You are very lucky to have had such a wonderful marriage/relationship. You go girl!! However, keep in mind your experience is dated, and nowadays fewer people feel the need to be in a relationship, INCLUDING MEN. Thus, OP may be taking a risk. There are fewer men out there who want what you have..Maybe not. Just thoughts.

Using the word thought in its loosest possible sense.

[Anonymous]

He's immature and that's a reg flag (his reactions), I'd dump him. Go sister, go to Japan!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kind of get his thinking, depending on your relationship. By 6 months DH and I were talking marriage and would have run something like this by the other before jumping on it. It wouldn't have changed the outcome (I'd still probably go!) but it would have brought him into the conversation. We'd probably have started to plan an "us" vacation as soon as I had enough PTO saved back up to balance this one out.

If you guys are still casual then he's being stupid.

OP, the bold above is a total outlier. Not a lot of people tend to be talking marriage at six months any more. Not a good example for you to consider. Also, I hope you ignore another PP who said you must not be that into your BF etc. How presumptuous. Beware anyone who tells you it's somehow expected that you should feel even a little guilty about this terrific trip. Instead, your BF should be pleased for you. He isn't. pleased and he's even guilting you. Think that through.

I hope by now you've seen enough responses here noting that your BF is out of line to guilt you over this. His expressing that he wished your sister had invited him, too, has a strong whiff of entitlement to it; he's your BF only six months and he's saying out loud that your sister, to whom he's basically a stranger, should have invited him along? Was he going to pay for all that--?? The implicit demand that your PTO "should" be devoted to you as a couple (read: to him) is also something you need to think about; going forward, if you stay together, is he going to begrudge you and get all upset about...a long weekend you take for a girls' trip with friends? A trip to visit some relative you haven't seen in ages? A work trip of yours that sounds cool to him, so he's upset he can't just tag along and "stay in your hotel room because your company's paying for the room anyway" and so on?

I'd tell him these things and tell him frankly that his reactions to this trip are making you wonder if this is just some insecurity of his talking, and he doesn't really feel this clingy and needy, or if this is really who he is in this relationship. What's he like outside this one issue of the trip? Is this a symptom of a bigger tendency to think the "couple" status should take over all your time?

NP here. I was talking marriage at 6 months to my now wife of nearly 20 years. If this happened then, I'd have been thrilled for her. If it happened now, she'd consult with me first because we have kids and we'd need to make sure one parent could be absent for 2 weeks. Absent some really immovable work obligations, I'd happily shoulder the extra load, and she'd do the same for me.

One thing to think about, OP, and I don't know if it's been mentioned yet, is what this might mean down the road. My wife and I each take 1-2 trips each year with friends - long weekends, usually, but sometimes a little longer. We're of the opinion that these are important for maintaining friendships. Not sure how your boyfriend would feel about that, though. It may be that you are just incompatible in this respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Your boyfriend seems to be a bit possessive & controlling based on what you wrote. However, I am experienced enough to know that there are at least two sides to every story.

Maybe he is more willing to be in a committed long-term relationship than you are at this time.

Maybe there is a lack of trust.

Maybe he sees you as choosing your sister and freedom over a committed relationship with him.

My best guess is that you and your boyfriend are at different stages in your relationship. I understand why he is hurt & I understand why you are excited.

See, I really, really don't understand it. At all. It's completely unreasonable.

- Man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kind of get his thinking, depending on your relationship. By 6 months DH and I were talking marriage and would have run something like this by the other before jumping on it. It wouldn't have changed the outcome (I'd still probably go!) but it would have brought him into the conversation. We'd probably have started to plan an "us" vacation as soon as I had enough PTO saved back up to balance this one out.

If you guys are still casual then he's being stupid.

OP, the bold above is a total outlier. Not a lot of people tend to be talking marriage at six months any more. Not a good example for you to consider. Also, I hope you ignore another PP who said you must not be that into your BF etc. How presumptuous. Beware anyone who tells you it's somehow expected that you should feel even a little guilty about this terrific trip. Instead, your BF should be pleased for you. He isn't. pleased and he's even guilting you. Think that through.

I hope by now you've seen enough responses here noting that your BF is out of line to guilt you over this. His expressing that he wished your sister had invited him, too, has a strong whiff of entitlement to it; he's your BF only six months and he's saying out loud that your sister, to whom he's basically a stranger, should have invited him along? Was he going to pay for all that--?? The implicit demand that your PTO "should" be devoted to you as a couple (read: to him) is also something you need to think about; going forward, if you stay together, is he going to begrudge you and get all upset about...a long weekend you take for a girls' trip with friends? A trip to visit some relative you haven't seen in ages? A work trip of yours that sounds cool to him, so he's upset he can't just tag along and "stay in your hotel room because your company's paying for the room anyway" and so on?

I'd tell him these things and tell him frankly that his reactions to this trip are making you wonder if this is just some insecurity of his talking, and he doesn't really feel this clingy and needy, or if this is really who he is in this relationship. What's he like outside this one issue of the trip? Is this a symptom of a bigger tendency to think the "couple" status should take over all your time?

NP here. I was talking marriage at 6 months to my now wife of nearly 20 years. If this happened then, I'd have been thrilled for her. If it happened now, she'd consult with me first because we have kids and we'd need to make sure one parent could be absent for 2 weeks. Absent some really immovable work obligations, I'd happily shoulder the extra load, and she'd do the same for me.

One thing to think about, OP, and I don't know if it's been mentioned yet, is what this might mean down the road. My wife and I each take 1-2 trips each year with friends - long weekends, usually, but sometimes a little longer. We're of the opinion that these are important for maintaining friendships. Not sure how your boyfriend would feel about that, though. It may be that you are just incompatible in this respect.

Adding on . . . OP, I just read your update, and kick him loose. He's ridiculous.