Boyfriend is upset/sad that I am taking a bucket list trip with my sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay so I wouldn't dump him, but I would be cautious. He's allowed to have feelings, right? And he's allowed to express them. I would be jealous if my dh went on an amazing two week trip and then didn't have time to vacation with me.

My now DH went on 3 international trips with friends (two for weddings, one just planned to visit a friend stationed in Italy) in the first year we were dating. I was jealous of some of them! But I was also aware that he was an adult person with friends of his own and things planned before we met. OP got a crazy, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something her BF is not even particularly interested in, with her family member. His jealousy doesn't make much sense to me outside of wanting to use PTO together, and he could have brought that up without implying she was wrong for not trying to get him an invitation to this trip.

There's a way to be sad about this trip that makes some sense, but the way he's sad about it feels controlling and strange. He doesn't actually want to go to Japan, but also she should have insisted to her sister that they replan the trip to bring him to Japan? Whuh?

[Anonymous]

Is he stuck on this or just expressing disappointment?

I’m in a different point of life, as I am divorced with a teenager. I take my teenager on a big trip every year. My boyfriend (of many years) is always jealous. He asks to go, I say no, he is pouty, I try not to talk about it with him. It is annoying, but I get it. These are trips he would love to take with me and he feels excluded. Deep down he knows why he isn’t included. But it doesn’t make it easy. I try to plan a similar trip with him after if he wants (he always does as my mommy/daughter trips are awesome). And I try to be considerate of his feelings.

I tell this story only to say that these feelings make sense snd the question is whether you can work through them in a healthy way.

In no way should you let him crash your sisters event though,

[Anonymous]

Wow he's being ridiculous. Totally reasonable for him to feel envious and left out and have some FOMO. I totally get that part. But you just haven't been together that long. He needs to think it through before he throws all this at you. Like he needs to take a second and consider:

1. He does not know your sister well at all, so the idea that he would be included on the invite is unreasonably. She wants to go with her sister, which is sweet. She doesn't want to go with her sister and her sister's still newish boyfriend. Totally reasonable! Would he be interested in inviting your sister on a vacation at this stage in their relationship? I'm guessing the answer is no. So being mad she didn't invite him is not reasonable, even if his feelings are understandable.

2. How would he feel if you turned down this opportunity for him? Like what would that say about you? To me, it would say "wow, co-dependent, very insecure." Saying no to a nearly-free vacation with your sibling to protect your boyfriend's feelings is not a healthy choice. You obviously really want to go. Does he actually want to be with someone who would turn it down just to spare his sad feelings? What the hell? Agree that's a huge red flag, though I really just don't think he's thought this through.

3. The limited PTO thing is a bummer but it's not like it means you guys can't do anything -- there are holidays and long weekends and you have only been together for 6 months. Do some long weekends at the beach or in the mountains, take the train to NYC or hop a quick flight to Chicago or Nashville. And then you could plan a big trip for next year. If you are still together. Which you might not be if he continues to be a baby about this.

I'd explain all that to him and see how he handles it. If he's still whining, I do think that's a last straw and I'd ditch him. But people are imperfect and maybe he's just being a little reactive. I'd give him a chance to right it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of get his thinking, depending on your relationship. By 6 months DH and I were talking marriage and would have run something like this by the other before jumping on it. It wouldn't have changed the outcome (I'd still probably go!) but it would have brought him into the conversation. We'd probably have started to plan an "us" vacation as soon as I had enough PTO saved back up to balance this one out.

If you guys are still casual then he's being stupid.

OP, the bold above is a total outlier. Not a lot of people tend to be talking marriage at six months any more. Not a good example for you to consider. Also, I hope you ignore another PP who said you must not be that into your BF etc. How presumptuous. Beware anyone who tells you it's somehow expected that you should feel even a little guilty about this terrific trip. Instead, your BF should be pleased for you. He isn't. pleased and he's even guilting you. Think that through.

I hope by now you've seen enough responses here noting that your BF is out of line to guilt you over this. His expressing that he wished your sister had invited him, too, has a strong whiff of entitlement to it; he's your BF only six months and he's saying out loud that your sister, to whom he's basically a stranger, should have invited him along? Was he going to pay for all that--?? The implicit demand that your PTO "should" be devoted to you as a couple (read: to him) is also something you need to think about; going forward, if you stay together, is he going to begrudge you and get all upset about...a long weekend you take for a girls' trip with friends? A trip to visit some relative you haven't seen in ages? A work trip of yours that sounds cool to him, so he's upset he can't just tag along and "stay in your hotel room because your company's paying for the room anyway" and so on?

I'd tell him these things and tell him frankly that his reactions to this trip are making you wonder if this is just some insecurity of his talking, and he doesn't really feel this clingy and needy, or if this is really who he is in this relationship. What's he like outside this one issue of the trip? Is this a symptom of a bigger tendency to think the "couple" status should take over all your time?

[Anonymous]

BTW, OP, have a great time. I've been to Japan twice, once for several months as an exchange student and again as a tourist as an adult. You're going to love it.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you guys?

[Anonymous]

Go to Japan.

If you were planning a two week vacation with the sister that didn’t include him and wipes out for your PTO, I could see him asking to join for the second week or saying. But this is practically a free, already planned trip just falling in your lap. You’d be crazy to pass it up.

Suggest you do a long weekend trip somewhere. Or if you want to, you could offer he join the second week as long as he pays entirely for his own hotel room and flight. And explain you may need some alone time with your sister during that week so she doesn’t feel like a constant third wheel.

[Anonymous]

Would you mind if he and his brother (or best friend if he has no brother) went to Rio De Janeiro (picked randomly) for a few weeks without you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Japan.

If you were planning a two week vacation with the sister that didn’t include him and wipes out for your PTO, I could see him asking to join for the second week or saying. But this is practically a free, already planned trip just falling in your lap. You’d be crazy to pass it up.

Suggest you do a long weekend trip somewhere. Or if you want to, you could offer he join the second week as long as he pays entirely for his own hotel room and flight. And explain you may need some alone time with your sister during that week so she doesn’t feel like a constant third wheel.

I just stopped writing a sentence in my first paragraph. I meant to say if you were actively planning a two week vacation that would wipe out your leave and exclude him, I could see him speaking up and asking to join or ask you to preserve some leave.

[Anonymous]

He should be super happy for you and not be such a whiner!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I had a similar situation within the first year of dating my DH. A friend had planned this epic trip with her boyfriend, and then they broke up. Last minute she asked me if I wanted to go. I said HELL YES.

The reason that new boyfriend is my DH now is because his only response was "that sounds awesome, have fun".

Your bf is whiny baby at best, or a controlling psycho at worst.

+a million. Smart man!!

[Anonymous]

Super selfish person. Unless he has insight into his behavior, I would seriously consider dumping him.

[Anonymous]

upset and sad are two different things. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Japan.

If you were planning a two week vacation with the sister that didn’t include him and wipes out for your PTO, I could see him asking to join for the second week or saying. But this is practically a free, already planned trip just falling in your lap. You’d be crazy to pass it up.

Suggest you do a long weekend trip somewhere. Or if you want to, you could offer he join the second week as long as he pays entirely for his own hotel room and flight. And explain you may need some alone time with your sister during that week so she doesn’t feel like a constant third wheel.

No! OP should not invite anyone without her sister's buy-in. She is paying for the trip and has the final say on this.

[Anonymous]

If he’s this sad he can’t go with you he should be proposing ASAP. But do you want to marry him is the question???