Finding an affair partner

[Anonymous]

I was in your situation. I met one AP at work and another who was a recent divorcee and friend of a friend I met at happy hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is looking for the easy way out. He needs to man up and address the problem by either fixing himself and the marriage, or file for divorce. Both are hard and he doesn't want to do the work. He just thinks he can put a band aid on the problem by having an affair. That is definitely not the solution and is the least honorable thing he could do.

Let's see, his choices are:
A. Work on relationship and hope it recovers.
B. Divorce and ruin family
C. Cheat, and move to Option B only if found out.

C doesn't seem that bad.

What is bad about C, it that you lose all integrity, if that is something you care about. And yes, divorce is hard on kids. But to find out you dad was screwing around on their mom? That is something they will hold against him forever. And possibly take into their own future relationships in terms of trusting others.

C also seems to destroy relationships with the kids. Even if the exwife says nothing to the kids they tend to find out somehow.

It can for sure. Depends on the kids, especially their ages, and the situation. I have a friend with an AP in another city he visits often for work. When I've met up with their family and kids for play dates, he's super dad and running circles around me in terms of engagement with the kids and so on.

DP. So what are you telling us, PP? Are you surprised he's still an engaged father when he also is a cheater? I hope that's the reaction here, rather than thinking he must be somehow OK if he's such a great dad. He may genuinely love his children; of course many cheaters do love their kids; but they compartmentalize that love away from any thought of how their behavior might affect their kids years later.

His kids are at an easy age, still in the play date phase. They likely think he's king of the world. Fine for now. But once they get older and eventually -- maybe as tweens or teens or adults-- find out, well, at least they'll have their lovely play date memories of daddy, I guess. More likely those memories will only add to how conflicted they feel about him. They'll wonder how the person they knew back then could also treat their mother and the family as a whole the way he's treating them. Great way to mess up your kids into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is looking for the easy way out. He needs to man up and address the problem by either fixing himself and the marriage, or file for divorce. Both are hard and he doesn't want to do the work. He just thinks he can put a band aid on the problem by having an affair. That is definitely not the solution and is the least honorable thing he could do.

Let's see, his choices are:
A. Work on relationship and hope it recovers.
B. Divorce and ruin family
C. Cheat, and move to Option B only if found out.

C doesn't seem that bad.

What is bad about C, it that you lose all integrity, if that is something you care about. And yes, divorce is hard on kids. But to find out you dad was screwing around on their mom? That is something they will hold against him forever. And possibly take into their own future relationships in terms of trusting others.

C also seems to destroy relationships with the kids. Even if the exwife says nothing to the kids they tend to find out somehow.

It can for sure. Depends on the kids, especially their ages, and the situation. I have a friend with an AP in another city he visits often for work. When I've met up with their family and kids for play dates, he's super dad and running circles around me in terms of engagement with the kids and so on.

DP. So what are you telling us, PP? Are you surprised he's still an engaged father when he also is a cheater? I hope that's the reaction here, rather than thinking he must be somehow OK if he's such a great dad. He may genuinely love his children; of course many cheaters do love their kids; but they compartmentalize that love away from any thought of how their behavior might affect their kids years later.

His kids are at an easy age, still in the play date phase. They likely think he's king of the world. Fine for now. But once they get older and eventually -- maybe as tweens or teens or adults-- find out, well, at least they'll have their lovely play date memories of daddy, I guess. More likely those memories will only add to how conflicted they feel about him. They'll wonder how the person they knew back then could also treat their mother and the family as a whole the way he's treating them. Great way to mess up your kids into adulthood.

People are complicated, no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

My DH had a lot of success finding his (single) APs at a bar/restaurant his buddy/“business partner” owned. He’d go over most nights after family dinner, or stop by after work and decide to just stay there or take his barfly AP to expensive dinners instead of coming home. The other APs before this were women he’d met through networking (he’s in communications so lots of teaming up on campaign pitches, making referrals for business, etc). So you might try those approaches. It has worked for DH for the last 7 of our 20-yr marriage.

PS I weigh 5lbs less than when we got married (128 lbs), three teenagers, $300K base corporate job, and I’m a cancer survivor with the unfortunate result that the massive radiation led to extensive nerve damage and made sex painful for me and less pleasurable for him. Hence his quest for 20something pussy.

I feel like this board overestimates the ability of the typical middle aged man to get 20 something year old women.

Uh oh. This post (which is absolutely right) is likely to draw the attention of The Mid-40s Guy Who Screws College Girls. He's a real thing on DCUM and smells out threads to come and brag on them about how college students are falling into his bed all the time. He swears he's not a sugar daddy in any way, which makes it even funnier to read his posts. Apparently his maturity is oh, so appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is looking for the easy way out. He needs to man up and address the problem by either fixing himself and the marriage, or file for divorce. Both are hard and he doesn't want to do the work. He just thinks he can put a band aid on the problem by having an affair. That is definitely not the solution and is the least honorable thing he could do.

Let's see, his choices are:
A. Work on relationship and hope it recovers.
B. Divorce and ruin family
C. Cheat, and move to Option B only if found out.

C doesn't seem that bad.

What is bad about C, it that you lose all integrity, if that is something you care about. And yes, divorce is hard on kids. But to find out you dad was screwing around on their mom? That is something they will hold against him forever. And possibly take into their own future relationships in terms of trusting others.

C also seems to destroy relationships with the kids. Even if the exwife says nothing to the kids they tend to find out somehow.

It can for sure. Depends on the kids, especially their ages, and the situation. I have a friend with an AP in another city he visits often for work. When I've met up with their family and kids for play dates, he's super dad and running circles around me in terms of engagement with the kids and so on.

DP. So what are you telling us, PP? Are you surprised he's still an engaged father when he also is a cheater? I hope that's the reaction here, rather than thinking he must be somehow OK if he's such a great dad. He may genuinely love his children; of course many cheaters do love their kids; but they compartmentalize that love away from any thought of how their behavior might affect their kids years later.

His kids are at an easy age, still in the play date phase. They likely think he's king of the world. Fine for now. But once they get older and eventually -- maybe as tweens or teens or adults-- find out, well, at least they'll have their lovely play date memories of daddy, I guess. More likely those memories will only add to how conflicted they feel about him. They'll wonder how the person they knew back then could also treat their mother and the family as a whole the way he's treating them. Great way to mess up your kids into adulthood.

People are complicated, no doubt.

Nice shrug.

People are complicated. And they also can make choices with the future in mind, as opposed to choices based on their "need" for both sexual and ego gratification here and now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

I feel your pain....DW lost any interest in sex years ago.

You mean she lost interest in sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

I feel your pain....DW lost any interest in sex with me years ago.

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

How many of these cheaters are alcoholics? The only cheater I know had a drinking problem and he and his AP had lots of boozy lunches. I think you’d need to have a drinking problem to think this deception is ok.

[Anonymous]

I do it for free, but he is hot and good in bed. He comes when he has time after work. I'm usually home at nights.
I think they live separate lives somehow; the wife is hardly ever home. He had also moved out for a year, but can't really afford it due to finances.

[Anonymous]

Does he spend money on you? Do they have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

My DH had a lot of success finding his (single) APs at a bar/restaurant his buddy/“business partner” owned. He’d go over most nights after family dinner, or stop by after work and decide to just stay there or take his barfly AP to expensive dinners instead of coming home. The other APs before this were women he’d met through networking (he’s in communications so lots of teaming up on campaign pitches, making referrals for business, etc). So you might try those approaches. It has worked for DH for the last 7 of our 20-yr marriage.

PS I weigh 5lbs less than when we got married (128 lbs), three teenagers, $300K base corporate job, and I’m a cancer survivor with the unfortunate result that the massive radiation led to extensive nerve damage and made sex painful for me and less pleasurable for him. Hence his quest for 20something pussy.

I feel like this board overestimates the ability of the typical middle aged man to get 20 something year old women.

Uh oh. This post (which is absolutely right) is likely to draw the attention of The Mid-40s Guy Who Screws College Girls. He's a real thing on DCUM and smells out threads to come and brag on them about how college students are falling into his bed all the time. He swears he's not a sugar daddy in any way, which makes it even funnier to read his posts. Apparently his maturity is oh, so appealing.

Meanwhile, OP said nothing about looking for a 20 year old, or even someone younger. But oh how some of you love to project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do it for free, but he is hot and good in bed. He comes when he has time after work. I'm usually home at nights.
I think they live separate lives somehow; the wife is hardly ever home. He had also moved out for a year, but can't really afford it due to finances.

I had that arrangement too with a few single women-not at the same time. It worked out well.

[Anonymous]

Try AshleyMadison. I had affairs for nearly 15 years and that's where I met most of them. The others I met on the regular dating sites but that doesn't work as well these days. It's very easy tell the scammers, and there are way too many these days. You do have to put in the effort but, despite what is usually said about it, by people with zero actual experience, there are plenty of women on that site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gamble with “crushing” the kids every time you log into an app or post something stupid like this on the internet, so it’s not likely that is your real problem.

Get individual therapy to deal with your NPD.

Life is full of risk. I say it is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is looking for the easy way out. He needs to man up and address the problem by either fixing himself and the marriage, or file for divorce. Both are hard and he doesn't want to do the work. He just thinks he can put a band aid on the problem by having an affair. That is definitely not the solution and is the least honorable thing he could do.

Let's see, his choices are:
A. Work on relationship and hope it recovers.
B. Divorce and ruin family
C. Cheat, and move to Option B only if found out.

C doesn't seem that bad.

What is bad about C, it that you lose all integrity, if that is something you care about. And yes, divorce is hard on kids. But to find out you dad was screwing around on their mom? That is something they will hold against him forever. And possibly take into their own future relationships in terms of trusting others.

C also seems to destroy relationships with the kids. Even if the exwife says nothing to the kids they tend to find out somehow.

It can for sure. Depends on the kids, especially their ages, and the situation. I have a friend with an AP in another city he visits often for work. When I've met up with their family and kids for play dates, he's super dad and running circles around me in terms of engagement with the kids and so on.

DP. So what are you telling us, PP? Are you surprised he's still an engaged father when he also is a cheater? I hope that's the reaction here, rather than thinking he must be somehow OK if he's such a great dad. He may genuinely love his children; of course many cheaters do love their kids; but they compartmentalize that love away from any thought of how their behavior might affect their kids years later.

His kids are at an easy age, still in the play date phase. They likely think he's king of the world. Fine for now. But once they get older and eventually -- maybe as tweens or teens or adults-- find out, well, at least they'll have their lovely play date memories of daddy, I guess. More likely those memories will only add to how conflicted they feel about him. They'll wonder how the person they knew back then could also treat their mother and the family as a whole the way he's treating them. Great way to mess up your kids into adulthood.

People are complicated, no doubt.

Nice shrug.

People are complicated. And they also can make choices with the future in mind, as opposed to choices based on their "need" for both sexual and ego gratification here and now.

LOL that you think most of your major life choices were not at least partially driven by sexual and ego gratification.