Finding an affair partner

[Anonymous]

Fellow parents at school, coworkers, people you come in contact with through work or the gym or wherever. Flirt with those you find attractive, it might go somewhere if you have intense chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fellow parents at school, coworkers, people you come in contact with through work or the gym or wherever. Flirt with those you find attractive, it might go somewhere if you have intense chemistry.

How old are your kids? Middle school and older are smarter than you think and can suss these things out. Then they talk to their friends, then both of you would be outed to your children, spouses and school community. It seems like you don't care, but wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

You made a promise. Have some integrity. If you want to have sex with other people at least formally alert your wife via serving her with divorce papers. If you’re too chicken shit to do that, don’t lurk around in the shadow and cheat. You’ll eventually get caught and it will be so much worse.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some married men put separated on the apps. I came across 2 when I was looking for a single partner (I am single). Both offered me certain terms with “allowance”. They needed confidentiality, me providing STD test, not having sex with others, so they could have oral/PIV with no protection. They looked specifically for this profile: a divorced good looking 40 smth woman with low body count (preferably after a long marriage not looking to remarry), and a child in financial need who would keep her mouth shut and could provide a long term “arrangement”. That was eharmony not a sugar dating site. I guess they used the site as it doesn’t show picture until you pay for a expensive subscription.
Both were law partners - one 60+ another 51 (very attractive 6’3 and athletic which is why I came out for the date). I am independently wealthy one percenter just listened to this crap on first date out of curiosity what men look for. But I can imagine some women are interested if that’s such a common thing.

This is awful. Basically taking advantage of women who need money to support their child.
Good luck OP. I hope you can fix your marriage or find a solution that won’t break your family.
This is why I stay fit and have sec with my husband even when I don’t want to… I don’t get why women can’t just put up with this as they put up with other things. My DH puts up with me and my moods/need for space all the time. I can do this for him.

They are smart cookies and that’s probably what many wealthy men in DC are doing. I never expected being approached for sugar arrangement on a serous dating site in my 40s! They both specifically were looking for that age group and thin ladies (the older one said it’s very hard to find). I asked why me - they said that younger women would start sleeping around looking for husbands exposing them to STDs or get pregnant, fall in love, tell wife, start pursuing them etc. The conversation starts like “ you are a very nice woman and I do respect you. You do have a child, does your ex pay a good CS? I can help you with your child needs, and share some of my lifestyle with you”. And so on. 60 yo expected me to accompany him on business trips for example. The allowance was around $7k plus travel and out of town expensive dates experience. Just to give an idea. It’s probably a very small expense for men in big law.

50+ and in shape it is very difficult to find someone else who is not fat if I stick to my age range.

Who are these women? I am almost 46 and regularly get approached by men 20s, 30s and 40s. I am attractive.

[Anonymous]

YOU are about to crush your kids. Own that.

But hey, you want more action in bed..so, I mean, they are just your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of these cheaters are alcoholics? The only cheater I know had a drinking problem and he and his AP had lots of boozy lunches. I think you’d need to have a drinking problem to think this deception is ok.

You know more than one cheater, you just don’t know they are cheaters. Maybe only the drunk one tells you, because drunks talk a lot, but there are others unless you are a hermit.

[Anonymous]

Just find a classy, cute escort and have a relationship with her. Way less drama than an affair, and pros are way better in the sack. Plus, much less risky than flirting with all the MILFs at your kids school and waiting to see who reciprocates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some married men put separated on the apps. I came across 2 when I was looking for a single partner (I am single). Both offered me certain terms with “allowance”. They needed confidentiality, me providing STD test, not having sex with others, so they could have oral/PIV with no protection. They looked specifically for this profile: a divorced good looking 40 smth woman with low body count (preferably after a long marriage not looking to remarry), and a child in financial need who would keep her mouth shut and could provide a long term “arrangement”. That was eharmony not a sugar dating site. I guess they used the site as it doesn’t show picture until you pay for a expensive subscription.
Both were law partners - one 60+ another 51 (very attractive 6’3 and athletic which is why I came out for the date). I am independently wealthy one percenter just listened to this crap on first date out of curiosity what men look for. But I can imagine some women are interested if that’s such a common thing.

This is awful. Basically taking advantage of women who need money to support their child.
Good luck OP. I hope you can fix your marriage or find a solution that won’t break your family.
This is why I stay fit and have sec with my husband even when I don’t want to… I don’t get why women can’t just put up with this as they put up with other things. My DH puts up with me and my moods/need for space all the time. I can do this for him.

They are smart cookies and that’s probably what many wealthy men in DC are doing. I never expected being approached for sugar arrangement on a serous dating site in my 40s! They both specifically were looking for that age group and thin ladies (the older one said it’s very hard to find). I asked why me - they said that younger women would start sleeping around looking for husbands exposing them to STDs or get pregnant, fall in love, tell wife, start pursuing them etc. The conversation starts like “ you are a very nice woman and I do respect you. You do have a child, does your ex pay a good CS? I can help you with your child needs, and share some of my lifestyle with you”. And so on. 60 yo expected me to accompany him on business trips for example. The allowance was around $7k plus travel and out of town expensive dates experience. Just to give an idea. It’s probably a very small expense for men in big law.

50+ and in shape it is very difficult to find someone else who is not fat if I stick to my age range.

Who are these women? I am almost 46 and regularly get approached by men 20s, 30s and 40s. I am attractive.

Where are you being regularly approached?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The OP is looking for the easy way out. He needs to man up and address the problem by either fixing himself and the marriage, or file for divorce. Both are hard and he doesn't want to do the work. He just thinks he can put a band aid on the problem by having an affair. That is definitely not the solution and is the least honorable thing he could do.

Let's see, his choices are:
A. Work on relationship and hope it recovers.
B. Divorce and ruin family
C. Cheat, and move to Option B only if found out.

C doesn't seem that bad.

What is bad about C, it that you lose all integrity, if that is something you care about. And yes, divorce is hard on kids. But to find out you dad was screwing around on their mom? That is something they will hold against him forever. And possibly take into their own future relationships in terms of trusting others.

C also seems to destroy relationships with the kids. Even if the exwife says nothing to the kids they tend to find out somehow.

It can for sure. Depends on the kids, especially their ages, and the situation. I have a friend with an AP in another city he visits often for work. When I've met up with their family and kids for play dates, he's super dad and running circles around me in terms of engagement with the kids and so on.

DP. So what are you telling us, PP? Are you surprised he's still an engaged father when he also is a cheater? I hope that's the reaction here, rather than thinking he must be somehow OK if he's such a great dad. He may genuinely love his children; of course many cheaters do love their kids; but they compartmentalize that love away from any thought of how their behavior might affect their kids years later.

His kids are at an easy age, still in the play date phase. They likely think he's king of the world. Fine for now. But once they get older and eventually -- maybe as tweens or teens or adults-- find out, well, at least they'll have their lovely play date memories of daddy, I guess. More likely those memories will only add to how conflicted they feel about him. They'll wonder how the person they knew back then could also treat their mother and the family as a whole the way he's treating them. Great way to mess up your kids into adulthood.

People are complicated, no doubt.

Nice shrug.

People are complicated. And they also can make choices with the future in mind, as opposed to choices based on their "need" for both sexual and ego gratification here and now.

LOL that you think most of your major life choices were not at least partially driven by sexual and ego gratification.

LOL that you do not realize that some people have it worse than others - impulse control - look it up. It is a sign of worse problems. Which is fine, if you do not want to heed professional help, but do not try to make it into something else.
NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

My DH had a lot of success finding his (single) APs at a bar/restaurant his buddy/“business partner” owned. He’d go over most nights after family dinner, or stop by after work and decide to just stay there or take his barfly AP to expensive dinners instead of coming home. The other APs before this were women he’d met through networking (he’s in communications so lots of teaming up on campaign pitches, making referrals for business, etc). So you might try those approaches. It has worked for DH for the last 7 of our 20-yr marriage.

PS I weigh 5lbs less than when we got married (128 lbs), three teenagers, $300K base corporate job, and I’m a cancer survivor with the unfortunate result that the massive radiation led to extensive nerve damage and made sex painful for me and less pleasurable for him. Hence his quest for 20something pussy.

Some men will literally stick it in anything. So gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At work is the easiest way. People flirted with me at work, invited me for lunch, talked to me about past affairs, etc. once I said no to lunch they stopped, so you need to know when to stop, because you don’t want to harass a coworker.

Isn’t it risky to mess around with coworkers? Not to mention that many of us now work fully or partially remote

Nope it’s highly risky and will be eventually disclosed to spouse. The two married lawyers I described above were avoiding workplace affairs like plaque. The 51 yo was looking for sort of intellectual equal and only slightly younger woman. They need to talk to their kept woman not just having safe sex. Men are humans, too, needing some sort of connection for joyful intimacy.
We shared parenting tips, chatted politics on a second date before he laid out his “proposition”. It would have been a legal contract with confidentiality clause. I declined and now met someone single interested in a long term relationship. I actually did like the married lawyer and would have totally slept with him for free if he wasn’t married.

Skinny is one thing but I’d think his intellectual equal would have enough money or earning ability to not need to do this. Even a highly educated divorced sahm would likely be getting decent child support.

I am not so sure that many divorced women in 40s would decline a confidential opportunity to move to a better neighborhood, send child to a better college etc. I make 350k myself but if I was making 100k at a non for profit struggling to make my ends meet… I don’t know.

She’d be taking a risk with her child support payments with a material change in income, and then not disclosing its source (per NDA) and not paying taxes on it. She could lose her kids and be held in contempt— no thanks!

Not to mention, back taxes.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else recognize this for what is? This thread reveals that many otherwise upstanding women lack the internal moral compass to say “no” to prostitution. They are simply haggling over price.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure to post back when your wife has left you and no other woman wants your old, limp…self…and your kids hate your guts, and you have no one to take care of you in your old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fellow parents at school, coworkers, people you come in contact with through work or the gym or wherever. Flirt with those you find attractive, it might go somewhere if you have intense chemistry.

Sounds like my ex-DH. He had no problem finding thirsty moms to flirt with. They couldn’t keep it a secret though. Fellow parents notice, and yes so do kids, even little ones

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW but I honestly don't get how when one spouse unilaterally cuts off sex with no conversation (where's the pressure for them to offer solutions or just suck it up and have sex) only the other spouse is to blame if they cheat. Sex is a reasonably expected thing in a marriage - I think you make an implicit promise to have it as much as you make an explicit promise to not have it with others. Of course sometimes like an illness can derail it and that's a separate thing, but just deciding you're done and then sharing no responsibility for finding other ways to make the marriage work or no blame if you refuse any options makes no sense to me.