What is a "pick me" woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is so good. Couldn't have said it better.

Note that these women also say "oh I definitely have been a pick me in the past." I would agree with that. That's why it's useful to talk about what it is and why it's toxic. It's not about putting down certain women, it's about collectively saying, as women, let's not denigrate each other in this way. It's harmful.

I also like that they talk about how it's about the performance of behaviors, and drawing comparisons. Like if a woman wants to conduct her life a certain way, more power to her-- do what you want. It's when a woman stands up and says "I do [x,y,x], unlike those OTHER women, who aren't as good as me." It's the act of performance and of highlighting your behavior in contrast to other women that is being a pick me. Whatever the underlying behavior is doesn't really matter.

I also liked how they pointed out that pick me culture often runs in two directions at once. Like some women might be really overtly sexual and be "pick me" about it, all "I own my sexuality, not like those prudes over there." But then some women will perform chastity and being more reserved, and be "pick me" in the exact inverse way: "I respect myself and my man by not letting it all hang out, not like those harlots over there." It's not about your choices, it's about framing your choices as better than other women.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

But in your example, they already picked her and made that distinction before she even started talking, no?

I still don't get how she was trying to make a distinction that was already made .

It sounds like you all were in a Joseph and his siblings kind of scenario where one person was getting favored already and you chose to sell that person out and label her a pick me in order to quench your own jealousy

No one picked her. But man she wanted them to, and was willing to put down every other woman there to make it happen. I don't know what a "Joseph and his siblings" scenario is (is that a bible thing?) but her behavior was annoying AF.

Don't be a pick me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This video explains it quite well. Thanks.

Yeah. This video does a good job.

The distinction here is that the motivation is clearly expressed by the woman who is considered a pick me. That is not what most of the posts have been saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is so good. Couldn't have said it better.

Note that these women also say "oh I definitely have been a pick me in the past." I would agree with that. That's why it's useful to talk about what it is and why it's toxic. It's not about putting down certain women, it's about collectively saying, as women, let's not denigrate each other in this way. It's harmful.

I also like that they talk about how it's about the performance of behaviors, and drawing comparisons. Like if a woman wants to conduct her life a certain way, more power to her-- do what you want. It's when a woman stands up and says "I do [x,y,x], unlike those OTHER women, who aren't as good as me." It's the act of performance and of highlighting your behavior in contrast to other women that is being a pick me. Whatever the underlying behavior is doesn't really matter.

I also liked how they pointed out that pick me culture often runs in two directions at once. Like some women might be really overtly sexual and be "pick me" about it, all "I own my sexuality, not like those prudes over there." But then some women will perform chastity and being more reserved, and be "pick me" in the exact inverse way: "I respect myself and my man by not letting it all hang out, not like those harlots over there." It's not about your choices, it's about framing your choices as better than other women.

Different strokes for different folks. You still don't recognize that you are engaging in what you criticize others for--proclaiming you are better somehow than other women that you view yourself in an imaginary competition with.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

But in your example, they already picked her and made that distinction before she even started talking, no?

I still don't get how she was trying to make a distinction that was already made .

It sounds like you all were in a Joseph and his siblings kind of scenario where one person was getting favored already and you chose to sell that person out and label her a pick me in order to quench your own jealousy

No one picked her. But man she wanted them to, and was willing to put down every other woman there to make it happen. I don't know what a "Joseph and his siblings" scenario is (is that a bible thing?) but her behavior was annoying AF.

Don't be a pick me.

How was she putting down other women by talking about sex?

This is the problem.. I am being a pick me because I disagree with your assessment of the example you gave?

That's what it turns into: anyone who disagrees with you is a pick me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is so good. Couldn't have said it better.

Note that these women also say "oh I definitely have been a pick me in the past." I would agree with that. That's why it's useful to talk about what it is and why it's toxic. It's not about putting down certain women, it's about collectively saying, as women, let's not denigrate each other in this way. It's harmful.

I also like that they talk about how it's about the performance of behaviors, and drawing comparisons. Like if a woman wants to conduct her life a certain way, more power to her-- do what you want. It's when a woman stands up and says "I do [x,y,x], unlike those OTHER women, who aren't as good as me." It's the act of performance and of highlighting your behavior in contrast to other women that is being a pick me. Whatever the underlying behavior is doesn't really matter.

I also liked how they pointed out that pick me culture often runs in two directions at once. Like some women might be really overtly sexual and be "pick me" about it, all "I own my sexuality, not like those prudes over there." But then some women will perform chastity and being more reserved, and be "pick me" in the exact inverse way: "I respect myself and my man by not letting it all hang out, not like those harlots over there." It's not about your choices, it's about framing your choices as better than other women.

Different strokes for different folks. You still don't recognize that you are engaging in what you criticize others for--proclaiming you are better somehow than other women that you view yourself in an imaginary competition with.

DP. Ok? Yes, I think I have better values than to put someone down. We make judgments in pretty much every other context; not sure why you think it shouldn’t be done here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

But in your example, they already picked her and made that distinction before she even started talking, no?

I still don't get how she was trying to make a distinction that was already made .

It sounds like you all were in a Joseph and his siblings kind of scenario where one person was getting favored already and you chose to sell that person out and label her a pick me in order to quench your own jealousy

No one picked her. But man she wanted them to, and was willing to put down every other woman there to make it happen. I don't know what a "Joseph and his siblings" scenario is (is that a bible thing?) but her behavior was annoying AF.

Don't be a pick me.

How was she putting down other women by talking about sex?

This is the problem.. I am being a pick me because I disagree with your assessment of the example you gave?

That's what it turns into: anyone who disagrees with you is a pick me.

DP, she is being a pick me because she didn’t just say she liked sex or was good at it. She was saying because of her body she was better at it than the women sitting right there with different bodies.

I think of DCUM as a board full of middle aged parents. Sad that some of you are still so insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is so good. Couldn't have said it better.

Note that these women also say "oh I definitely have been a pick me in the past." I would agree with that. That's why it's useful to talk about what it is and why it's toxic. It's not about putting down certain women, it's about collectively saying, [/b]as women, let's not denigrate each other in this way. It's harmful.[b]

I also like that they talk about how it's about the performance of behaviors, and drawing comparisons. Like if a woman wants to conduct her life a certain way, more power to her-- do what you want. It's when a woman stands up and says "I do [x,y,x], unlike those OTHER women, who aren't as good as me." It's the act of performance and of highlighting your behavior in contrast to other women that is being a pick me. Whatever the underlying behavior is doesn't really matter.

I also liked how they pointed out that pick me culture often runs in two directions at once. Like some women might be really overtly sexual and be "pick me" about it, all "I own my sexuality, not like those prudes over there." But then some women will perform chastity and being more reserved, and be "pick me" in the exact inverse way: "I respect myself and my man by not letting it all hang out, not like those harlots over there." It's not about your choices, it's about framing your choices as better than other women.

To the bolded: so you say the bolded by creating a label to denigrate those who you think are denigrating other women? Do these people cease to be women at some point or how do the lose shelter from underneath your "no- denigrating" umbrella?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

Incorrect. You're out in a social group of men and women and you find one of them obnoxious because for whatever reason she's proclaiming herself more desirable than other woman. She doesn't need to stop just because you are insecure about having a different body type. Get a thicker skin, learn some snappy humourous conversational responses, or stop hanging out with people who annoy you. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

But in your example, they already picked her and made that distinction before she even started talking, no?

I still don't get how she was trying to make a distinction that was already made .

It sounds like you all were in a Joseph and his siblings kind of scenario where one person was getting favored already and you chose to sell that person out and label her a pick me in order to quench your own jealousy

No one picked her. But man she wanted them to, and was willing to put down every other woman there to make it happen. I don't know what a "Joseph and his siblings" scenario is (is that a bible thing?) but her behavior was annoying AF.

Don't be a pick me.

How was she putting down other women by talking about sex?

This is the problem.. I am being a pick me because I disagree with your assessment of the example you gave?

That's what it turns into: anyone who disagrees with you is a pick me.

DP, she is being a pick me because she didn’t just say she liked sex or was good at it. She was saying because of her body she was better at it than the women sitting right there with different bodies.

I think of DCUM as a board full of middle aged parents. Sad that some of you are still so insecure.

What do you mean "DP" ? So you are not the pp who wrote this example. Were you there? What the hell!

You are inferring stuff from PPs post that was not there. Why? Let PP tell us this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

Incorrect. You're out in a social group of men and women and you find one of them obnoxious because for whatever reason she's proclaiming herself more desirable than other woman. She doesn't need to stop just because you are insecure about having a different body type. Get a thicker skin, learn some snappy humourous conversational responses, or stop hanging out with people who annoy you. Get over yourself.

Lots of rattled pick mes responding and defending their poor behavior… We 👀 you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

Incorrect. You're out in a social group of men and women and you find one of them obnoxious because for whatever reason she's proclaiming herself more desirable than other woman. She doesn't need to stop just because you are insecure about having a different body type. Get a thicker skin, learn some snappy humourous conversational responses, or stop hanging out with people who annoy you. Get over yourself.

Lots of rattled pick mes responding and defending their poor behavior… We 👀 you.

Hahaha. Thanks for the good laugh this morning!

Whenever things don't go your way, slap a label on the person you are disagreeing with. PP.

We must all see things just the way you see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.

Hard disagree and what a weird rule. We are allowed to use words to describe things. I also use words to label men sometimes. Sometimes I use labels that are good. I don't get what makes you think you just get to decree "no labels."

If you see yourself in the description of a "pick me" woman, then sit with that and ask yourself if you need to adjust some of your behavior. If you get a label that stings, ask yourself why and if it's a fair description of your behavior. If it's not, you can disregard it. If it's striking close to home for a reason, well then the label has done it's job, hasn't it?

This is not labeling someone based on a description. It's labeling based on a motive that you have ascribed to the behavior because you need to ascribe that motive to justify that person's actions being different from yours.

You need to sit in a corner and figure out why you need to that.

She is giving a motive for why one would engage in the toxic behavior. Are you engaging in that behavior or not? This isn’t as complicated as some of you are making it out to be.

How is she determining that motive? Do these women tell her that that is why they behave the way they do?

What if that person behaves that way because they like to? Do women have to behave the same way she does in order to not be seeking male approval/ attention?

What on earth are you even saying at this point? We’re talking about being fake and putting other women down. And you say this women acts this way because she likes acting that way. Uh, ok. Then I’ll just focus on her behavior and say that’s pretty crummy.

Yeah.

My problem is that the term is based on motive that people assume these women have. Even the word itself "pick me" tells this story. What if the woman is just misinformed? Or wrong without necessarily behaving a certain way because she wants to be " picked " by those men?

In trying to criticize these women, the term swings too far and gives men more power by automatically centering other women's behavior around men.

Let's call the behavior crappy without assuming it's done for male attention.

You're talking in circles.

A pick me woman's behavior is targeted at men. That's the whole point. Like once I was out with a group of men and women and one of the women (who happened to be short and curvy) kept going on and on about how short women are better in bed because of body ratios or something. She was the only woman there with that body type. She was literally talking about having sex. She was a pick me, and she wanted to draw a contrast between her and the other women present that made her look more desirable. I'm not making a big leap here to say her behavior was about men. It was obvious on its face. She was 100% doing it for male attention.

Calling that out is not "giving men power." It's pointing out to women that this behavior is obnoxious and that they should stop. Even if deep down the reason this woman was doing this was because she's insecure. Everyone is insecure about something. It doesn't justify behaving this way.

If you don't want to use the term pick me, that's fine, but I think it's useful because it describes exactly what is going on. I have even been in situations where I've looked at my own behavior and though "wait, am I being a pick me?" and curbed an instinct to behave in a certain way because I recognize it's shitty. It's helpful shorthand and it's about female behavior AS DEFINED BY OTHER WOMEN. It's not about what men think. I think men love pick me behavior because they like it when women battle it out over them, it feeds their egos.

Incorrect. You're out in a social group of men and women and you find one of them obnoxious because for whatever reason she's proclaiming herself more desirable than other woman. She doesn't need to stop just because you are insecure about having a different body type. Get a thicker skin, learn some snappy humourous conversational responses, or stop hanging out with people who annoy you. Get over yourself.

Lots of rattled pick mes responding and defending their poor behavior… We 👀 you.

+1, though I actually think it's just one or maybe two.

I think one reason it's hard for some women to get this is that the concept of tailoring your entire personality and all your choices is just so baked in. One of the women in that video commented that she is from the south and that southern culture, for women, is basically pick me culture. It's really true.

So I think it's hard for some women to understand what is wrong with this or how calling someone a pick me is different than being a pick me because they honestly just don't see how their behavior is designed to place themselves above other women in order to appeal to men. It's like the dynamic is hidden to them. It's actually sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"