What is a "pick me" woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"

DP.

Well, 2 PPs are describing me as a pick me on this thread, and I have not indicated that I am best or even better at anything!

I am confused. 😆

Yes, we get that you are confused. Because you are determined to pretend that pick me behavior does not exist or that it can somehow be explained away as harmless. Did you watch the video upthread? It lays it out very clearly. Watch that and then tell me that calling out pick me behavior is the same as being a pick me. It's not.

So calling out pick me behavior is not pick me behavior, but failing to recognize pick me behavior is the same as pick me behavior?

The video makes the definition clearer. The posts were murky though.

And that is why I kept asking about how you know the motivation. Most of the examples in the video have the women literally saying they are motivated to keep their man. It's much clearer. If it's not clear cut like the examples in the video, it's confusing.

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this without understanding what it was, and got mad at people who were not perfectly explaining it to you because of your ignorance. Maybe next time, do some research before weighing in and telling people they are wrong when you don't even understand the thing they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"

DP.

Well, 2 PPs are describing me as a pick me on this thread, and I have not indicated that I am best or even better at anything!

I am confused. 😆

Yes, we get that you are confused. Because you are determined to pretend that pick me behavior does not exist or that it can somehow be explained away as harmless. Did you watch the video upthread? It lays it out very clearly. Watch that and then tell me that calling out pick me behavior is the same as being a pick me. It's not.

So calling out pick me behavior is not pick me behavior, but failing to recognize pick me behavior is the same as pick me behavior?

The video makes the definition clearer. The posts were murky though.

And that is why I kept asking about how you know the motivation. Most of the examples in the video have the women literally saying they are motivated to keep their man. It's much clearer. If it's not clear cut like the examples in the video, it's confusing.

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this without understanding what it was, and got mad at people who were not perfectly explaining it to you because of your ignorance. Maybe next time, do some research before weighing in and telling people they are wrong when you don't even understand the thing they are talking about.

We are discussing here. Someone asked what the meaning was, and others were explaining it. Why would I go do research elsewhere?

The only mistake I made was misreading the example of the short girl. I apolgize for that. The posts were not clear. Maybe you should try to explain things better or not get pissed and label someone for failing to understand your confusing explanation.


And thank you to whoever posted the video! If it was you, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"

DP.

Well, 2 PPs are describing me as a pick me on this thread, and I have not indicated that I am best or even better at anything!

I am confused. 😆

Yes, we get that you are confused. Because you are determined to pretend that pick me behavior does not exist or that it can somehow be explained away as harmless. Did you watch the video upthread? It lays it out very clearly. Watch that and then tell me that calling out pick me behavior is the same as being a pick me. It's not.

So calling out pick me behavior is not pick me behavior, but failing to recognize pick me behavior is the same as pick me behavior?

The video makes the definition clearer. The posts were murky though.

And that is why I kept asking about how you know the motivation. Most of the examples in the video have the women literally saying they are motivated to keep their man. It's much clearer. If it's not clear cut like the examples in the video, it's confusing.

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this without understanding what it was, and got mad at people who were not perfectly explaining it to you because of your ignorance. Maybe next time, do some research before weighing in and telling people they are wrong when you don't even understand the thing they are talking about.

Only one of the two posts here is insulting the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"

DP.

Well, 2 PPs are describing me as a pick me on this thread, and I have not indicated that I am best or even better at anything!

I am confused. 😆

Yes, we get that you are confused. Because you are determined to pretend that pick me behavior does not exist or that it can somehow be explained away as harmless. Did you watch the video upthread? It lays it out very clearly. Watch that and then tell me that calling out pick me behavior is the same as being a pick me. It's not.

So calling out pick me behavior is not pick me behavior, but failing to recognize pick me behavior is the same as pick me behavior?

The video makes the definition clearer. The posts were murky though.

And that is why I kept asking about how you know the motivation. Most of the examples in the video have the women literally saying they are motivated to keep their man. It's much clearer. If it's not clear cut like the examples in the video, it's confusing.

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this without understanding what it was, and got mad at people who were not perfectly explaining it to you because of your ignorance. Maybe next time, do some research before weighing in and telling people they are wrong when you don't even understand the thing they are talking about.

We are discussing here. Someone asked what the meaning was, and others were explaining it. Why would I go do research elsewhere?

The only mistake I made was misreading the example of the short girl. I apolgize for that. The posts were not clear. Maybe you should try to explain things better or not get pissed and label someone for failing to understand your confusing explanation.


And thank you to whoever posted the video! If it was you, thanks!

Wow you really are argumentative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many threads finding ways to degrade women?

I was just thinking this! Last year, elementary girls were afraid to tell on boys for anything because they’d get called a “Karen”. Now they’re afraid to raise their hand in class because they’ll get called a “pick me girl”?

Raising your hand in class is not being a pick me. Unless it's in response to the question "which of you thinks your the BEST girl here?"

DP.

Well, 2 PPs are describing me as a pick me on this thread, and I have not indicated that I am best or even better at anything!

I am confused. 😆

Yes, we get that you are confused. Because you are determined to pretend that pick me behavior does not exist or that it can somehow be explained away as harmless. Did you watch the video upthread? It lays it out very clearly. Watch that and then tell me that calling out pick me behavior is the same as being a pick me. It's not.

So calling out pick me behavior is not pick me behavior, but failing to recognize pick me behavior is the same as pick me behavior?

The video makes the definition clearer. The posts were murky though.

And that is why I kept asking about how you know the motivation. Most of the examples in the video have the women literally saying they are motivated to keep their man. It's much clearer. If it's not clear cut like the examples in the video, it's confusing.

I think you had a knee jerk reaction to this without understanding what it was, and got mad at people who were not perfectly explaining it to you because of your ignorance. Maybe next time, do some research before weighing in and telling people they are wrong when you don't even understand the thing they are talking about.

We are discussing here. Someone asked what the meaning was, and others were explaining it. Why would I go do research elsewhere?

The only mistake I made was misreading the example of the short girl. I apolgize for that. The posts were not clear. Maybe you should try to explain things better or not get pissed and label someone for failing to understand your confusing explanation.


And thank you to whoever posted the video! If it was you, thanks!

Wow you really are argumentative.

Yep!

[Anonymous]

There are atleast two of us arguing with you though. I am not that good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

Of course you should call out toxic behavior, but why label the person while you are doing it? You can come
up with other ways to call out the behavior rather than “you are being a pick me.” What add that in? It doesn’t help you message and puts you in the position of creating an out group to help you justify your feelings. You can find and call out the behavior bad and toxic because you don’t like it without the power of others opinions which is what you are doing by using labels. Stand up for your feelings without labeling you will actually feel
More empowered if you can do it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

Of course you should call out toxic behavior, but why label the person while you are doing it? You can come
up with other ways to call out the behavior rather than “you are being a pick me.” What add that in? It doesn’t help you message and puts you in the position of creating an out group to help you justify your feelings. You can find and call out the behavior bad and toxic because you don’t like it without the power of others opinions which is what you are doing by using labels. Stand up for your feelings without labeling you will actually feel
More empowered if you can do it that way.

It's easier. It's easier to use a phrase like "pick me" or "queen bee" than it is to explain it in detail. Sometimes it's hard to explain the nuance of a situation like this, and it's useful to use a shorthand. Not everyone is perfectly articulate. I mean, that video posted upthread is great because those three women are VERY good explaining what a pick me mentality is, and why it is harmful, and giving examples of it. I would never be able to explain it as clearly as they do there. But even they are using the term "pick me" as shorthand, because there isn't another word for this. Like it's ridiculous to expect someone who wants to discuss this behavior to always say "a woman who is using comparisons to other women to make herself look more desirable to men" every time you are trying to talk about it. It's too cumbersome. It's useful to have a word. A label, if you will.

I think it's unlikely we'd be having these productive conversations about this behavior if there were not a handy shorthand (that is so, so perfectly descriptive of the behavior) available to help make it easier to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

Of course you should call out toxic behavior, but why label the person while you are doing it? You can come
up with other ways to call out the behavior rather than “you are being a pick me.” What add that in? It doesn’t help you message and puts you in the position of creating an out group to help you justify your feelings. You can find and call out the behavior bad and toxic because you don’t like it without the power of others opinions which is what you are doing by using labels. Stand up for your feelings without labeling you will actually feel
More empowered if you can do it that way.

It's easier. It's easier to use a phrase like "pick me" or "queen bee" than it is to explain it in detail. Sometimes it's hard to explain the nuance of a situation like this, and it's useful to use a shorthand. Not everyone is perfectly articulate. I mean, that video posted upthread is great because those three women are VERY good explaining what a pick me mentality is, and why it is harmful, and giving examples of it. I would never be able to explain it as clearly as they do there. But even they are using the term "pick me" as shorthand, because there isn't another word for this. Like it's ridiculous to expect someone who wants to discuss this behavior to always say "a woman who is using comparisons to other women to make herself look more desirable to men" every time you are trying to talk about it. It's too cumbersome. It's useful to have a word. A label, if you will.

I think it's unlikely we'd be having these productive conversations about this behavior if there were not a handy shorthand (that is so, so perfectly descriptive of the behavior) available to help make it easier to discuss.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

Of course you should call out toxic behavior, but why label the person while you are doing it? You can come
up with other ways to call out the behavior rather than “you are being a pick me.” What add that in? It doesn’t help you message and puts you in the position of creating an out group to help you justify your feelings. You can find and call out the behavior bad and toxic because you don’t like it without the power of others opinions which is what you are doing by using labels. Stand up for your feelings without labeling you will actually feel
More empowered if you can do it that way.

It's easier. It's easier to use a phrase like "pick me" or "queen bee" than it is to explain it in detail. Sometimes it's hard to explain the nuance of a situation like this, and it's useful to use a shorthand. Not everyone is perfectly articulate. I mean, that video posted upthread is great because those three women are VERY good explaining what a pick me mentality is, and why it is harmful, and giving examples of it. I would never be able to explain it as clearly as they do there. But even they are using the term "pick me" as shorthand, because there isn't another word for this. Like it's ridiculous to expect someone who wants to discuss this behavior to always say "a woman who is using comparisons to other women to make herself look more desirable to men" every time you are trying to talk about it. It's too cumbersome. It's useful to have a word. A label, if you will.

I think it's unlikely we'd be having these productive conversations about this behavior if there were not a handy shorthand (that is so, so perfectly descriptive of the behavior) available to help make it easier to discuss.

Ok then. I personally would never in a million years say to my daughter “You are a pick me girl.” As evidenced by this thread there are many who don’t understand the label so if you do use it, you may find you are misunderstood and it isn’t doing the job you claim. BTW, you already said this, here is your quote “You're using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me.” I removed the pick me part. I do think it is more effective this way and gets your boundary across without demeaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I know- we could all just label each other as a form of judgement and shame!

OK- I’ll start, here goes!

Queen bees
Wanna bees
Pick mes
Cool girl
Nature girl
Sporty spice
Scary spice
Baby spice

We will just wear signs so guys can pick what they want.
Soooooooo very pro social and mature!
You should definitely include the list on facebook and have to check which “spice” you are!

I guess I'm "nature girl" but that label doesn't bother me because I like nature. You can label me that if you want! It's appropriate.

You're just mad because someone has assigned one of the less flattering labels to you and it struck a bit too close to home. I can read this thread and think about "pick me" behavior and recognize that I've definitely been guilty of it in the past. It's embarrassing to admit, but I think it's valuable to do it and I'm glad I understand the dynamic now so that I can avoid it in the future, and also educate my daughter about it.

Pick me behavior is toxic, woman-agains-woman behavior. So, for that matter, is queen bee behavior. You are getting hung up on the idea that it's wrong to label people and fine, agree that calling someone a "pick me" like it's not something she can change is probably not useful. But are you really saying you don't understand this is a set of behaviors that are harmful and pit women against each other in a way that puts men in control, because it's a behavior that puts men in the position of choosing? Do you really not get this? Your objections are getting ridiculous at this point.

Yes, I am hung up that women labeling other women is toxic as it reduces a person to a stereotype. You seem to agree. So great.

I think anytime people start competing, labeling and fighting rather than expressing their feelings everyone loses. This is the overall issue with social media, Karen, simp, alpha anyway. We are all reducing ourselves to moments of behavior posted on line rather than humans that suck sometimes and triumph others (Same person is capable of both).

I guess I think that men aren’t stupid and when I dated a long time ago, if there was a guy couldn’t see through a girl lying to him about the amount of time she takes to put make up on or that she is being manipulative when asking “Who’s eyes are better?” I wouldn’t really want to date him either. So who cares? If he didn’t understand it that night, he probably would when he signed the divorce papers or at some point in between.

The point is not "who gets the man." The point is "don't dump on other women IN ORDER TO get the man." The man is not the point.

I am going to keep calling out toxic behavior when I see it. The argument that in calling out toxic behavior, I am being toxic, is circular logic that doesn't hold up. Telling a woman in my life, "You're being a 'pick me' and using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me," is not the same as a woman pointing at me and saying "look how much better I am than her." One is me addressing a conflict with another woman directly. The other is a woman just demeaning me to try and make herself look good for a man. If you can's see the difference between those two, I cannot help you.

I don't give a flying f--- about the man in these scenarios.

Of course you should call out toxic behavior, but why label the person while you are doing it? You can come
up with other ways to call out the behavior rather than “you are being a pick me.” What add that in? It doesn’t help you message and puts you in the position of creating an out group to help you justify your feelings. You can find and call out the behavior bad and toxic because you don’t like it without the power of others opinions which is what you are doing by using labels. Stand up for your feelings without labeling you will actually feel
More empowered if you can do it that way.

It's easier. It's easier to use a phrase like "pick me" or "queen bee" than it is to explain it in detail. Sometimes it's hard to explain the nuance of a situation like this, and it's useful to use a shorthand. Not everyone is perfectly articulate. I mean, that video posted upthread is great because those three women are VERY good explaining what a pick me mentality is, and why it is harmful, and giving examples of it. I would never be able to explain it as clearly as they do there. But even they are using the term "pick me" as shorthand, because there isn't another word for this. Like it's ridiculous to expect someone who wants to discuss this behavior to always say "a woman who is using comparisons to other women to make herself look more desirable to men" every time you are trying to talk about it. It's too cumbersome. It's useful to have a word. A label, if you will.

I think it's unlikely we'd be having these productive conversations about this behavior if there were not a handy shorthand (that is so, so perfectly descriptive of the behavior) available to help make it easier to discuss.

Ok then. I personally would never in a million years say to my daughter “You are a pick me girl.” As evidenced by this thread there are many who don’t understand the label so if you do use it, you may find you are misunderstood and it isn’t doing the job you claim. BTW, you already said this, here is your quote “You're using me to make yourself look good for men, and it's not cool with me.” I removed the pick me part. I do think it is more effective this way and gets your boundary across without demeaning.

Thanks for policing my word choice to this degree, I love that. I came here today to find out what some total stranger on the internet thinks of my vocabulary choice. Thank goodness. I'll run future communications by you, too.

[Anonymous]

A "pick me" girl is also known as a cool girl. She's the one who likes beer, football, hunting, fishing, cars, strip clubs. She's just laid back about everything. She will flirt with your husband right in front of you. Cause she's much cooler than you. I hate when women do this to other women. It's rude.

[Anonymous]

I never heard of "pick me" women, but my uneducated first guess was: well raised and confident, raises her hand in class because she has things to say and is unafraid.

Then when I tried to think of who, I thought of friend P. She was in a friend group with a guy, they dated other people, then were single, then he started dating another girl seriously. P realized her feelings, went to him and said "She's not right for you. Pick me instead." He did, and that's a 20+ year happy marriage with kids nearly on their own now.

The balls! The self confidence! The knowing! I'd aspire to be a pick-me girl, the type that gets picked, and isn't just hoping.