What is a "pick me" woman?

[Anonymous]

I have seen it used to describe women who are MRAs.

[Anonymous]

Most of you have this wrong -- pick me girl is trying to be a guy's "dream girl" and it is clearly an act. Examples would be a self-described "gamer girl" who insists she LOVES playing video games and never needs to be taken out because her favorite thing to do every night is play video games with her man. In reality she doesn't really care for them but just says this for validation points. Also drags other girls for taking so long to get ready, apply makeup, fix hair when "I just throw on a sweatshirt and do a messy bun! I don't have time for all that" but she's complete with foundation, eyeliner and fake eyelashes and guys don't know the difference. Brags about only eating junk food and how she loves to eat massive quantities, but is thin as a rail and in reality only eats like that in front of guys.
Pathetic

[Anonymous]

Cool girl who other girls don't like because: a) she doesn't conform to their notions of gender solidarity; and b) she makes them look bad by comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cool girl who other girls don't like because: a) she doesn't conform to their notions of gender solidarity; and b) she makes them look bad by comparison.

I don't think "cool girl" is the same as a "pick me." The pick me hasn't gotten into the relationship yet to be a cool girl.

[Anonymous]

It seems like a lot of black slang has become mainstream due to TikTok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of you have this wrong -- pick me girl is trying to be a guy's "dream girl" and it is clearly an act. Examples would be a self-described "gamer girl" who insists she LOVES playing video games and never needs to be taken out because her favorite thing to do every night is play video games with her man. In reality she doesn't really care for them but just says this for validation points. Also drags other girls for taking so long to get ready, apply makeup, fix hair when "I just throw on a sweatshirt and do a messy bun! I don't have time for all that" but she's complete with foundation, eyeliner and fake eyelashes and guys don't know the difference. Brags about only eating junk food and how she loves to eat massive quantities, but is thin as a rail and in reality only eats like that in front of guys.
Pathetic

+1 You only have to look at the attendance rates for most collegiate women’s sports. Most young women are about looking cute in spirit wear and proximity to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like a lot of black slang has become mainstream due to TikTok.

Rock & roll music too.

[Anonymous]

Anne Hathaway. JLaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anne Hathaway. JLaw.

Leah Michelle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that movie Saturday Night Fever and the John Travolta character was so cringely mean to his dance partner. He’d sleep with her, then when she tried to have a normal conversation with him, he’d disparage her in front of everyone, but she doggedly keep coming back because she “loved him.” That’s a pick me girl.

I saw the movie in college and almost 30 years I am still really bothered by the treatment of Annette. That whole exchange "Are you a nice girl or are you a c***?" really makes me so sad for how life is for some women. I don't know that i would agree she was a pick me girl; I don't remember her putting anyone down (which is how I think of a pick me/cool girl). Annette was really mistreated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

Interesting. In my day, we called that type the "cool girl". She's likes whatever guys like. She's one of the guys. She'll go ahead and fock a guy, no strings...but not really. Close relative of the Level 5 Clinger.

I am a Gen-Xer and the mother of teens. Yes, I think it's the same thing being described by both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cool girl who other girls don't like because: a) she doesn't conform to their notions of gender solidarity; and b) she makes them look bad by comparison.

And the truth is she doesn't even the like this stuff but is using it to advance her social standing with guys. THe last part is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cool girl who other girls don't like because: a) she doesn't conform to their notions of gender solidarity; and b) she makes them look bad by comparison.

And the truth is she doesn't even the like this stuff but is using it to advance her social standing with guys. THe last part is key.

Isn’t this “cool girl” from “gone girl”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Used to describe a heterosexual woman that generally subscribes to a submissive , male-centered , doormat-like persona in order to attract/snag a husband.

Generally used by single women to describe other single women.

Ah see that's not how I see pick me woman. To me it means someone who constantly tries to get attention on them. They seek validation by males and often try to fake that "I'm not like other girls" personality. I've met one person like this in my adult life (i feel like its a more common teenage girl thing) and it's so odd

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pick-me%20girl

+1 this is how I understand it as well. I have always heard it as an accusation that a woman is kind of betraying other women by working so hard to get attention and love, sometimes even putting other women down in order to prove she’s better.

Like the mental image I get is the kid in the front of class raising her hand to answer every question, bringing the teacher gifts, etc. Like “pick me, pick me! I’m the BEST one.” It’s tiresome.

Pick me women also stir up competition among women even if the other women don’t want to compete with each other. The worst pick me woman I have known would pull this thing where, if a group of us were out somewhere and met a guy or two, she’d say stuff like “oooh, let’s play a game— which one of us do you think has the best eyes?” It was so gross. I remember once just walking out and getting an Uber and going home when she pulled this crap. It was so dumb.

How do you justify labeling and demeaning other women by using the derogatory term "pick me" to describe them if you believe that women should not "betray" other women?

Did you read the post. The term is derogatory because the behavior is bad. I'm not labeling a woman because of how she looks, what she does for a living, how she dresses, etc. I'm labeling her for how she behaves, and specifically how she treats other women in order to position herself in front of men.

It's not about being loyal to other women or betraying them. I don't personally believe in a sisterhood. Women are just people. But I have encountered women who will put down other women or try to draw favorable comparisons between themselves and other women in order to get the attention of a guy. And usually, it's a guy with money and status, the sort of guy who wants to make sure he gets the "best" woman. It's gross and demeaning to other women. I do not care one whit how a woman chooses to date or interact with men, but don't drag other women into it just to make yourself look good. It's user behavior and I have zero trouble calling it out.

As for PPs who say they've behaved this way as a result of past abuse -- I am very sorry for your experiences and wish you only healing. I am an abuse survivor myself. I too have engaged in toxic, hurtful, demeaning behavior towards other people due to the feeling of worthlessness and need for validation as a result of past abuse. BUT I know it's not justified. It's never justified. I probably have acted like a "pick me" woman before. It's not okay and I'm glad I know what it is, that there is a word for it and I know how to spot it, so I never do it again. It's harmful behavior.

(Not to mention that when women behave this way, there's every likelihood that the women they are trying to elbow out of the way to get their man are also abuse survivors, just some food for thought.)

It's not justified to label women for bad behavior either.
Describe the behavior and let it be. No need for labels here.